of loyalties and feelings

Would you choose a life of honour, duty and responsibility above all else or would you choose a love that you know in your heart will undermine everything that you have been taught. Do we suffer for our desires? It seems so. The more I think about it, the more confused I get.

I've always known in the depths of my being what will become of me. But for now, while I live and breathe, I will do what I must. For at the end, I can have both. I will be able to attain both. Do I sound selfish? Perhaps I do. Perhaps I am. For I've arrived at a point in my life where I find that doing this purely because it is expected of me if easier. Doing things for others is easier.

Many a time, religion calls us to put ourselves aside to strive for the greater good. To strive for a cause that is beyond our understanding and sometimes recognition. How many others can surely say that they are able to put themselves aside even if it is only for a brief moment? I find that being objective is paramount. Being able to cast my own desires and thoughts aside is now a part of what I have become. What I've grown to be.

Responsibility. And honour. I must strive for it. I will attain it. For in this life time, it is all that I have left. And still having said that, what would make me happy? What is it that I can do that will make me happy. I know the answer to this question. I will have my happiness and the peace I so long for. Even if it is for a few seconds. A small and insignificant amount of time I know. But all the same, I will do what I must. I will do what I can.

My brother told me something a few days ago. "We are able to apologise for our actions. But we should never have to apologise for the way we feel."