The body is but a vessel for the soul,
A puppet which bends to the soul’s tyranny.
And lo, the body is not eternal,
For it must feed on the flesh of others,
Lest it return to the dust whence it came.
Therefore must the soul
Deceive, despise, and murder men.
- AJ Durai

Today was good. And then it got worse. And now it's just stagnant.

I woke up early again. Met up with Alex for lunch. Man, I <3 Thai Food. And Alex being Alex was just his Alexy self. Hehehe.

And then, I found that I couldn't downgrade my brother's PSP. AND THEN, I couldn't find my CDs. AND THEN, when I finally managed to track down the games I've been trying to get my hands on for the longest time, I find out that all in all it'll cost me about $150 SGD without postage. And these are just 3 or the 4 I'm trying to track down. I wish I had the money to pay for that. SERIOUSLY.

Oh and did I mention that one of the games on that list happens to be a game that I own? An original one at that? That I paid SHIT LOADS FOR when I was trying to get my hands on it? FYI, this game is ridiculously hard to get. Not to mention all 4 of them are no longer in production so their value has now sky rocketed.

Damn you.

But all the same, ma nah ma nah! :)

There are a lot of us out there. A lot of us trying to make sense of the world and our place in it. A lot of us completely lost without anyone to give us any semblance of a clue as to what comes next or what now.

And then you get the mindless idiot. The one who out to seek attention. The blatant liar. Or the one that's fooled themselves. These I have no care for.

I do however, worry about those who know. And yet at the same time are so quick to shoot down another. I worry for what will happen to the ones who think they know everything when in essence, know nothing at all.

I've been wondering what it might have been like if i I were a totally different person from a completely different background. I guess I wouldn't deal with things the same way I do now. I might not enjoy the things that I love doing. And I might land up being a better person for it, that or the kinds of people that I hate the most.

I have been having a series of dreams. I didn't really think much of them until they seem to continue as if it were chapters from a book. The gist of it was that I was growing wings. From small little nubs protruding from my shoulders to full sized wings. Not feathery mind you. Not scaley or black either. They were my own skin colour. They felt like skin on smoother and harder. Nearly waxy and not quite. And they were seamless. Like there weren't any bones in them at all.

Wondering what that means? I'll put you out of your misery.

I simply have way too much time on my hands.

Perhaps I shall go to Bras Basah and see if I can gt one or two of my new text books and get started.

Dear God, I was actually being serious about it.

I had another one of those out of this world dreams last night. I was a little scared at first but it was ok. He came for me. He looked a little different but I knew it was him and even though I was scared shitless at first, I found myself willingly going. And I was really happy. Really, really, really happy.

I miss you loads. If I could count the days, I would but I can't.

How could you forget something so important. I know you didn't mean to but still, it's no excuse is it. There are so few things that you really need to remember. All our lives we make sure that this date is etched in our memories. It's the one day that we come together. No matter what. It was the one day that we were always together. But you forgot all about it. It's not about me. Let me make that much clear.

It's been a pretty long week. I didn't get much sleep. Not as much as I'd like. But enough I suppose. I bought my mom lunch for her birthday and spent the entire day with her. Despite my splitting head. It was nice. There are a lot of things about this week that I sort of wish that I could have done but even so, I've set out and done a lot. More in a week that I normally could have done in a month. I'm quite proud of myself.

Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.

crash burn whatever

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

w00t! Go Me!

Just got back from Bintan. Was invited to have lunch with Mel, Addie, Carrie and Adam. Too tired. That or just wanted me time. Who knows. I had loads of fun and very little sleep. Go figure.

Anyways, Need to rest. Desperately need to rest.

good times?

OK. So technically it's still day time if you do the math. I woke up at 3.30pm so there. I wish I could fall asleep right now so badly you wouldn't believe it. I'm tired as but I can't seem to get to sleep. All things considering I've been up for what, nearly 12 hours already so shouldn't I be able to get to sleep? Apparently not.

Let's see, a typical person requires around 8 hours of sleep. (Psych stuff aside.) So that leaves me with... 16 hours of waking time. Damnit. I can't sleep too late. Have to be up at 10 if I want to get things done tomorrow.

Clearly, I'm bored. And tired. And sleepy. Yet... Damnit. I need to find my mini speakers.

stupid stuff

I wanted to type in a message but I didn't know what to say.
I wanted to just try but gave up anyway.
I wanted to live my life but how I couldn't discern.
I wanted to throw these things away, instead they still return.
I wanted to see the world and yet I stayed behind.
I wanted to run, scream and be free but still I am tied down.
I wanted to give all that I could, in the end I hid away.
I wanted to be there night and day, and that one I did ok.

This started off as a simple note just to say something on my mind. Instead it morphed itself into what I call a lame ass rhyme. So as my boredom seeps in 5am Saturday morn, I continue to add more rubbish to this incessant mindless blog.

Ok fine, that really sucked but can you blame me? I was bored. Haha. Trying very hard not to write in rhythm anymore but it's not proving easy. Perhaps this is what happens when I find myself too sleepy. (Oh shit it's starting again)

Any ways, what I am I suppose to say to Richard Walters? That I heard the song on CSI and it's on my repeat playlist? Heh. There are a multitude of things that I need to get done and yet I don't have much of a choice but to wait. Irritating irritating irritating. Ever get the feeling like you don't have money when you do? It feels like having a lot of money and nothing to spend it on. Either there's really nothing or the thing you want exceeds the amount of which you have.

I'm not making much sense anymore. Whatever, I'm going to go make a list of things that I need to take with me to Bintan. Go me! :D

someone else, by yourself

You never really see what you've got until it's being taken away or goes away or any idea along the lines of away. Far, far FAR away. It's been bothering me for the longest time.

Even so, my worries are somewhat not needed. I don't need to worry but I do all the same. I guess I haven't really changed much after all.

This has been yet another day. Yet another *insert relatively high number here* hours that I haven't been able to get proper sleep. I better though. I'm going to need all the strength and energy I need if I want to have the best time this weekend.

My brother surprised me with a trip to Bintan. He just got me the ticket, paid for the accommodations and everything. I'm looking forward to a nice quiet weekend without anyone bothering me.

Apart from that, one really good thing happened this week. I've been hanging out more and more with my dad. And I realise that despite our differences, I really do like spending time with him. It's just a little difficult when mom's around. It's not a bad thing but sometimes I can't help but feel very torn between the two. The thing that makes it all work though is Adam. When he's around he just makes everything good and happy. He's the sweetest kid in the world and he's got that kind of effect on me. It's kinda like I want to change and shape the world around him so that he'll be happier, better and braver. No one should have to face this world alone and I don't intend to let him take one step feeling like there isn't anyone there to hold his hand. The way I used to think I felt. (FYI, I was wrong.)

There may be a lot of things that I don't like about myself that others may like. I may feel insecure and ridiculously paranoid about what and who I am but I get the feeling that it works out.

Sometimes you think that the world and all that is going against you but in actuality the only thing that's going against you is you yourself.

I love you.

just another stupid day

It's been one of those days where I sit around in complete lost as to what to do with myself. It's a well known fact that I don't stay happy over a singular thing for very long and guess what, time's up. I'm looking for the next new thing that will get me grinning like a mad idiot.

I got around to hitting the PSP again with my strange burst of perfectionism and dreams of getting my hands on the launch model iPhone. And believe me, I will find a way to get my hands on it. Well, not the launch model but you get what I mean.

Also, I found myself reminiscing yet again. Not good for people but it happens. I know my thoughts and are writing are ridiculously fragmented now but who cares right?

I find that today everybody seems to be irritating me. Like they're all just out to get at me. And I'm sick and tired of people who start formulating strange, uncalled for (not to mention totally ridiculous) impressions or conclusions about me when they generally don't know squat. I'm irritated with the idea that they perpetuate rumours and comments about me that aren't even true.

I normally couldn't care less for such pricks but I don't know why today it's all just eating away at me. It's like the self fulfilling prophecy only a little different in the sense that you become what people think you are. And at the end of the day when you bitch about your own little insecurities to people who you assume give a damn, they tell you that they don't think you're that bad and that in actuality you're pretty cool. But that's not the point. It's not.

What's worse than people who have nothing else better to do with your life and invade at every opportunity is when you get people telling you about even more people. Nosey little fuckers who some how can't seem to mind their own beeswax.

Nothing like a little bit of paranoia and insecurity to get the blood flowing.

Needless to say I'm in a very touchy and very edgy mood.

because we love our land

Although each day is like any other ordinary day to me now, today was excruciating. Yesterday, yes everybody's normal day time not my version of it, was just as bad. Until evening of course. But that's besides the point.

Being idle without purpose is beginning to bother me once again. I like it here no doubt, a part of me wishes that Deakin was in Singapore. iHouse was in Singapore and all that jazz. I wish it were so because I've reached a point where the only thing that I don't like about being in Australia is being so far from home.

Sure I've got loads of really great friends there but since when is one friend comparable to the next? I can't have my cake and eat it can I? But still, it doesn't stop me for wanting the impossible. After all, I always land up wanting what I either can't or shouldn't have.

It was a monday, when my lover told me,
"never pay the reaper with love only."
What could i say to you, except, "i love you."
And "i'd give my life for yours."

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

The first time we made love, i... i wasn't sober.
(and you told me you loved me over and over!)
How could i ever love another, when i miss you every day...

Remember the time we made love in the roses?
(and you took my picture in all sorts of poses!)
How could i ever get over you, when i'd give my life for yours.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

My dear, It's time to say i thank god for you.
I thank god for you in each and every single way.
And, i know... i know.. i know.. i know...

It's time to let you know. time to let you know.
Time to let you know. time to sit here and say...

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.
We are the lucky ones, dear...

Bif Naked, Lucky

No one can or should ask me. Not that anyone has. But I just want to get it out of my system. Nothing can make me throw it all away. It's getting harder and harder to hold on keeping my secrets. Keeping your secrets. But I am blessed. I am lucky. I'm on no ones' side but my own. I'm lucky that I can stay that way. I'm lucky to be able to live two sides of the coin without anyone making significant attempts to stop me.

I am.

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

Cause I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...

For some strange reason, this song popped up in my head out of no were. I suppose it's what comes when I try to distract myself from sleeping. Just a little something to make the time go by a little faster. But all the same, it's stuck in my head.

Once again, I've been reminiscing of things that I've done over the past year and whether or not I made the right decisions at the time. I suppose there's no point in regretting the things that I should have done from the start but there's no stopping me in remembering all the little things that made me smile. The things that made me feel like there could be nothing wrong in the world. Little innocent things mind you. They may be little in anothers' eyes and sometimes, little in mine as well. But all the same, how can they be so small when they made me so happy.

20 minutes more. Barely half an hour. Be safe. Always.

curses

Call me crazy but I see things with a strange yet interesting new light. Odd because realise that somethings have to be done even as it causes self discomfort. That and the chivalry of considering the needs of others before my own. But, do not assume to believe that I say and do the things that I do out of my own self gain. Part of the time it is but some of the time it's caused by circumstance and a higher interest.

On a lighter note, since Tuesday, I've finished 3 books. Proud? I know I am! :D Paolini has my compliments for two well writ books and a playful scorn at keeping me awake, thirsting for more. Now I am forced to wait for the last installation. Damn it all. Serves me right for ploughing through the texts with such haste. I think I shall open my cupboard and see what other books I may have lying around, waiting for me to start at. :)

Let me make this very clear and very simple so that your diminishing mind can understand. If you ever undermine me or say anything that questions my integrity, do not expect me to let you go unchallenged.

You can hide behind your facades all you like but know this, I still don't trust you. ?In fact, I have no intention of speaking to you either. Why should I bother with a back stabber and a liar put into the body of someone who would attempt and fail at being called my friend.

By the way, if you call, don't expect me to answer either.

don't ask me what you know is true

Over a year ago, a friend of mine encountered a dream after listening to the continuous playing of music that I insisted on listening to over and over relentlessly. I understand why it had bothered her so. I thought that I knew who it was that she saw then, I was very mistaken. I know now who she saw for I see them myself. I see it with each time I dream, I see it with each reflective glance.

For quite some time, I've felt a wound within myself festering and growing larger and larger as though I've lost something very dear to me to the point of no return. As it turns out, I still haven't the slightest knowledge of regaining what I have lost. After all, how can one regain what is lost when one does not know what it is to begin with. All the same, this burning still wears me down leaving me with much grief.

Do you remember what it was like when you lost your favourite toy be it to decay of time or just misplacement? It is a fraction of what is going through my head. I wish I could find a way to explain it more clearly, I wish that I may someday regain my lost dreams, my dashed hopes and treasure them with the belief that one day they will be mine for the taking.

As often said by many including myself, it is very easy to forgive but it is not easy to forget. And I will not be able to forget the things that have had such a great effect on me. The scars within me will never fade even as forgiveness washes away all malcontent. May the notion of vengeance be lifted from my mind. It should have no place within my heart. Not now when there are many things to cloud my judgement.

Officially, HAPPY NEW YEAR DARLINGS!!!

So far the past few days have been relatively tiring. From me feeling sick to being ok to being sick to being exhausted... Either way, I'm looking forward to the 4th. :) My bro, Addie and Adam are coming back from Hong Kong! Hehe!

But then again, Mom's leaving for the states on the 6th. Ah well. We can't win em all can we? Today was nice and quiet. It gave me time to catch up on my reading. I managed to devour Peter Pan in Scarlet all within a day. Now to start on Eragon. I've got my brother's copy with me. It's in terrible condition but it'll have to do considering the printers in my house have completely run dry.

Speaking of printers I shall need to get ink for my printer in Australia. Hmm... That and I've got to run out to get supplies for my organiser. Tomorrow's still a public holiday no?