I feel bad. No fucked. But bad all the same.
Rotten for all the stuff i put you through. The more I think, the more I realize that I shouldn't have said anything. If only I'd had met you earlier. Maybe then our lives wouldn't be so complicated. I do know how you feel. If anything, time and distance doesn't heal anything. It's closure.

In a sense, I'm still quite happy with my life. I wish you could be too.

I noticed that I actually can last without cigarettes. But without them, i feel so dependent on people. Without them I get insanely irritable. Call it mood swings? I think not.

It's times like these that makes me realize that I am my parents' daughter, my brother's sister.

I'm cooking dinner this Friday by the way. I wish you could be there. Pity you're so far away. An even greater pity that I didn't get to meet up with you for the short period of time you were still here. It would've been nice to have spoken to you. Without the sarcasm. Heck, it'd be nice to speak to you irregardless of the platform. Call me simple but I still think we can be friends.

That sappy song is blaring in my head.

"Promise me you'll wait for me
Coz I'll be saving all my love for you"

Even as Slipknot is blaring from my iPod. You must think I'm really stupid huh. But I'm really sick of mucking around. It is a pointless waste of my already precious time. I happen to believe that life is too damned short to waste. (If life is so short, why won't you let me love you before we run out of time...) And yet I'm one of those hopeless romantics who sometimes just wants to stare at the stars and see how beautiful the world is. And I hope one day to be able to gaze at a blue moon with someone special. An empty dream perhaps.

But still, it'd be nice to talk civilly.

It's just me. No one else. It's only Mel. No hidden agenda. Void of inertia, of malice and spite. Self centerdness perhaps. But with no ill content. That me is gone. Is that so difficult?

This time I stand along with nothing around. Nothing to hurt me or anyone else. If I could do anything for you, I would. It's in my nature to leave. Even if it hurts. It's only momentary isn't it?

One thing I don't really understand is why do people try to say something totally snide by throwing back something you said to them and still only throw when everything has lost it's timeliness. Hmm....

Anyways...

I find myself back on the edge
Losing grip, letting go of everything
An ethereal existence fallen without grace
A lost soul, trapped in between

Memories torn from time and space
Manifest once more in solitude's embrace
As true as blood, as cold as ice
A fire's rekindles in hell's depths

It's ok to be afraid
Only fools know nothing about fear
A heart aches longing for peace
As true hope shatters in a fiery escape

The mind's eye is covered and boxed up
And the world takes off into outer space
An emptiness that's left unseen
But always is felt in your endless dream

A captured image plays tricks on your mind
Making you feel dead, cold, devoid, blind
What is left when the box opens empty?
Nothing but hopes and lies for futile dreams

- Futile Dreams of a Lost Child, Mel

Didn't you know that I'm not that kind of person? Did you think that I would kill for you? Fine, that's a bit dramatic. But please, if you think I'll give you everything I am, you are very mistaken. Don't expect people to give you the world when you aren't prepared to give anything in return.

You talk about everything that you've done like it's the greatest thing in the world. Sure, not many people can get into the top schools, not many people are academically wonderful or rich. But if you think that everything you've done is completely worthwhile than I feel very sorry for you. And yet you have the cheek to tell me off. Why don't you look at all the 'wonderful' things that you've done and then come and tell me how admirable you really are.

Let me just say one more thing, feeling like your on top of the world is one thing. Just stop expecting the entire fucking world to think that you're the greatest. At this point, I don't care if you are or if you aren't. Stop being such a know it all.

I'm amazed with myself. I chose not to go out today. Yes, I was broke but not desperately broke. If I really wanted cash I could have gotten it. Not to mention I was supposed to go out with people I've not hung out with in quite a while. Perhaps I should have gone. Considering that I might not be seeing them anytime soon. *sigh*

I feel so mechanical. Work work work work work, get screwed over and repeat the process. I tire of it all. I ache. still waiting for that damned simple life. it's somehow not happening. I mean I can't exactly go out and make it work right? Isn't the simple life supposed to be well... simple?

I guess you could say I'm sick of all this confusion of all these annoying little gray patches that seem to just get everywhere. Why can't I just get a solid answer out of you. Why won't people leave me alone.

Oh wait, I forgot, it's let's piss MeL off week isn't it.

Sometimes Shit Happens

Sometimes Shit Happens

How do you know when to trust a person? I don't. I trust people based on my gut. And the crazy thing is, my gut as very rarely failed me. Sure it has and that in turn had landed me in a huge mess all because I trusted feelings and instincts that were false.

But now more than ever, I trust myself more than I trust anyone in the world. And my gut is telling me to be wary but to trust the people I love. And that I will do to no end whether it looks like it’s something else. After all, if you don’t trust the people you love, how can you even claim to love them at all?

I spoke to someone whom I've always thought to be incredibly amusing today. What's funnier still is that (let's call the fella Jo for kicks), is being uberly anal again. Far be it for me not to trust my friends. Sheesh. So I told Jo to do this, tell teh irritant to just fuck off. It's not Jo's fault that the irritant is distrusting right? So anyways, gonna head down and pick up my assignment soon. Oh did I mention that I'm meeting Jo later? Haha :)

how you feel about yourself now (The Lovers)

You want love or a new love in your life and a new relationship is in the offering. Even if you are not thinking about love, you’re in for a surprise. If faced with a choice this is an important one and could affect the rest of your life.

The Moon what you most want at this moment (The Moon)

The cards suggest MeL, that what you most want at this time is some clarity and less of these confused emotions that leave you fearful and vulnerable. You want to know the outcome, because you are so unsure about how you feel. Use your intuition to guide you away from any deception and ride this out - it will turn out alright in the end. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair.

The Hanged Man your fears (The Hanged Man)

You fear letting go, yet this place of limbo and indecision is not a good place to be. Are you being emotionally blackmailed so you don’t go? Don’t be the victim. Sometimes we have to have the strength to let go to attract new positive possibilities in our life.

The High Priestess what is going for you (The High Priestess)

All lines are open in your telephone exchange with your intuition, and there is no better guide than your intuition. Listen, listen carefully and the secret you want revealed will be shared with you.
Wheel Of Fortune what is going against you (Wheel Of Fortune)

A run of bad luck here, perhaps already evident or certainly signs that things are not going your way. The responsibility of important decisions weigh heavy with you where there are choices to make. Trust your intuition, and even if you have to make the painful decision to give up something in order to move on, then have the courage to do it. Trust that The Wheel of Fortune constantly turns and whilst it may be against you at the moment it will in time turn and bring you good fortune.

Judgement outcome (Judgement)

A time for taking stock, an end to an era or phase of your life and brand new opportunities appearing. An opportunity will present itself that must not be ignored and it could have far reaching implications, changing your life for the better. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.




Isn't all this a pretty pickle. Heh... Strange readings. Very very strange. Some wildly accurate, and some just plain off. Which do you think this one is...

What's the Frequency Kenneth?

I'm addicted to my play station all over again. You were right, I should've just let you have it! Heh... I hate that you're always undeniably right. But the most annoyging thing is that Rick still have the damned memory card. The PS 2 one at least. Thank goodness I kept the pocket ps for times like these. Heh...

Today, I went out to Holland to get my prints mounted at Merlin. And yes, I can collect them BY tomorrow at 7. :) I also dropped off the final Uni Apllication for Deakin. So far, everything looks very very promising. I'm looking forward to things now despite how extremely messy the past week has been. Things are getting more and more comlpicated by the minute. I think I really have to sit down, and stop doing everything before I make a huge mistake.

But let's face it, the wheels of time are already turning, destruction is quite inevitable at this point isn't it. It's far too late for regrets. All I can do now is wait it out I guess? That's the annoying thing about things that aren't in my control huh... So much for wanting the simple life.

I'm extremely amused by the fact that so many people have asked if the references to people in my blogs refer to them. Heh... They're mostly wrong. Anita, Raggedy Ann... And even that twerp Minah from school. I mean seriously, if I wanted to insult people, then you people wouldn't have my url. And if I didn't want you to read it, I can just as easily password protect everything can't I. *sigh* Nobody really understands anymore. They just jump to bloody conclusions.

Despite the rampant chaos, I'm actually quite happy with my life. Happy to the point that All Saints' cover of Under the Bridge can be playing and I'm not getting irritated. :)

I want things to stay nice. That way, I won't have to worry so much. Yea, I know that if things are too ncie, it'll be even more reason for worry. But hey, let's put it this way, I trust my friends don't I? If they tell me something about themselves, I'll take their word for it. I don't need to have to resort to watching for mistakes. I'm truly blessed for having you guys in my life. And even more fortunate that all of you are only a short phone call away and even better yet, if I wanted or needed any of you, you'd be here in a heart beat. As confused as I am and as ridiculously as I may be, I'm really making an effort now. I love you guys and because of that, I see no reason to hate or scorn anymore. That, in my opinion is the power of true love of friends. Let's not even bring in the notion of significant others.

Yesterday was a long long long tiring day, filled with uni apps, friends, surprises and angelic demons of whom are very nice to me ahaha :)

Anyways, trudged over to Den's blog and took part in as many or all or less of the quizzes there. And now, I can barely sit straight. I know for a fact I didn't drink that much wine. Right?

You Have A Type A- Personality

A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

You Are 22 Years Old

22 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

You are a Rocker Girl! If you don't have musical talent, you've got a talent for picking out great CD's. Music rules your life - and you've got the best MP3 collection of anyone you know. Many guys find you intimidating, but a select few think you're the catch of a lifetime. Start hanging out in more used record stores, and you'll find love with a fellow rocker! What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

How scary are you?

You are 80% Sagittarius

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

You'll Find Love Where You Least Expect It You're the type most likely to find love... surprised? You shouldn't be! You're a fun, independent woman who is always out and about. And you're smart to sometimes leave your girlfriends behind and go it alone. Men love to approach you when you're out by yourself - including Mr. Perfect! Where Will You Find Love? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are Psyche! Eternally in search of purpose and insight. You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder. Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily. Just be sure to pamper yourself as well! What Goddess Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Passion is Red! You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination. You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks! With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new. You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red! What Color is Your Passion? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Complications after complications after complications

Complications after complications after complications

The party turned out to be more of a small gathering than an actual party as per se. But it was nice. I had fun. Close friends. That’s what a person lives for yanoe? As much as I love it here, I still feel the insane urge to get away from everyone and everything. I need to get out of here. I’m irritated with the fact that I keep getting blamed for shit. And I’m irritated with you for being such a dense mofo.

I walk a lonely road, The only one that I have ever known

WHY did you have to say that… Oh my God… After you promised me!!! You irritating person you!! Hahaha! Dude… I love you and all but sometimes… Well I guess the door really does swings both ways.

Yesterday was a pretty ok day. Finally went down for my hair appointment. Kenneth did a G-R-E-A-T job once again. And thanks to Claudine, my face to no longer undefined. God, I’ve become so vain. Heh. After all that I met Audrey whom I slacked with for a good 3 hours plus before she went off to meet Rick.

With regards to the party… Well… I kinda wanna go but I kinda wanna don’t go too. Urk… Well I guess I have to go now huh… Besides, I promised didn’t I… Ah well… Fine, I’ll turn up, be nice, then leave? Knowing me, I say all that now but when I’m actually there, I’ll never want to go.

Oh complications. Turns out I can’t hang out with you tonight after all eh?

Oh and...
campus, people and features
 

M	Mesmerizing
E	Enchanting
L	Lively
I	Insane
S	Slippery
S	Sultry
A	Ambivalent

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

An Analytical Point of View

Random thought: What if I were a werewolf? I’d have turned over soo many people by now eh? Heh… I’ve come across a couple of songs that I love to the core.

1. It’s this compilation by Kid Rock, Limp Bizkit, Korn and Eminem. iTunes calls it Cocky – Fuck Off. I’m not sure where it’s from thought?
2. Fool by Lifehouse. What? It’s nice! And it’s quite relevant to a lot of people I know. Heck, if I can find a song that I can relate to and admit that even people I hate can relate to, it’s really something. Heh…
3. Slow Dance by Ida. Ok I don’t really blame you if you haven’t heard of them, they’re this really obscure Canadian band that a couple of classmates and myself like to listen to when we’re stressed out. This song kinda makes me just wanna sit down and really appreciate everyone around me. Whether I like them or not. Heck, whether they like me or not. Well let me just put it this way, if a person doesn’t like you then shouldn’t they just generally want to avoid you like mad and not get in your face? Well, I don’t like people in my face. But then again, I still get them anyways. Ah well, we can’t have everything eh?
4. Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. At one point or other any particular one of us would feel like the road on which they walk is a road that they must travel alone. In fact, I feel this way now. I’ve pretty much left my close friends aside and walked on. Sure I do love you guys to the core, but I need to do this for myself. And if you guys care enough you’ll understand. It’s ok. Really. I’d love to have you with me, don’t get me wrong. But if you did come, I wouldn’t be able to change at all now would I?
5. Suteki Dane off the FFX soundtrack. I love it. It’s a sad song really. Usually makes me feel like crying but it’s generally very hopeful and very repentance based.

I’m happy with my life the way it is. Sure I’ve found out quite a bit of things that I would’ve been better off not knowing. And some things I’d have been better off not experiencing.

Wayne asked me to do my project on relationships. So I’ve really been thinking about a lot of things. Things that I never wanted to think of again. But I have and it’s too late to back out. And I find that I don’t want to leave. But some times, there’re things that one just has to do. And as much as I wish things didn’t have to be as they are, I am grateful that they just are. And I know you guys feel the same way. Thank you. I love you guys. You’ve always been there for me but now, I stand on my own. Away from you.

You're Right, I Am More Psychotic When You're Around

I don’t trust you, I don’t trust any of you. So it’d be nice if we could just stay out of each others lives eh? It’s bad enough I see you so blardy often. And it’s not like I’m in your face or anything. Honestly, when are you gonna grow up?! You’re almost an adult for fuck’s sake.

Seriously, it’s all so annoying. I don’t understand why people like to get in other peoples faces. And how people think that the whole bloody world revolves around them. Here I am all nice and happy without a care in the world, and I get hypocritical idiots coming and happily blaming me for their depression. It’s annoying. I’m sure deep down you people can be really nice and all wonderful but at the same time, please go look in the mirror and realize that you aren’t the almighty wondrous one that all must love. There’re people who even hate God. What makes you think you’re so special.

Anyways, tomorrow’s gonna be another long long long long long long long long day. I’m printing again hahahahaha! Well, at least all should go well until the party on Saturday of which I’m not entirely sure if I want to attend. I mean I do have a life apart from partying. I do have family. And I do have you. ☺ (I miss you loads darling!!) Not to mention we’ve got many many projects to do and many many things to iron out in terms of work…

I really love the relationship that I have with my buddies. It’s a quiet understanding that I’m there for you and you’re there for me so we can all be happy and bask in each others’ happiness. All is really well with everything now. Except a couple of things but that’s totally understandable. Oh guys, PLEASE not try to analyse the shit I’m saying coz if it’s not in relation to you, then chanes are, you won’t really get it. Heh… I spent quite awhile talking to a really close friend just now. And I’ll have to admit, while I’m still a little miffed as to how the day progressed, I do feel better. You’re the best, really.

And to my affectionate maniac: PLEASE LAR… How many times must I tell you, I am not interested! It’s not that I hate you and all… I’m just REALLY not interested in going out with anyone at this point… (I know I really shouldn’t be saying it here but you really don’t get it… Besides, no one knows it’s you…) But what I do love about you is the amazing person you are when you’re confident of yourself. You make a great friend. And as much as it sounds like I’m brushing you off and stuff, I do see you as a friend. Maybe someday something might happen but I don’t really want to get into it now. I’ve got too much to deal with and a tonne of issues to sort out. And if you can’t take that then I’m really sorry.

Oh oh oh! I’m gonna graduate soon!!! Only a month and a half more before I’m through with poly and officially regarded as ready to move on into the next phase. It’s true that the past year has been death defyingly saddening (no pun intended. Really.) But… today I received some quite surprising news. I found it strangely amusing and strangely disturbing. It really makes you wonder who you can trust these days you know? Why you two couldn’t do such a simple thing as to just listen to me is quite irritating. Of all things you go proclaiming to the bloody world you do that. And of all the hypocritical things you could have done you went and did it anyways. Appalling to say the least. And to think I wasted my time with you. But you know what, if you guys want to be childish fucks about it all then so be it. I reiterate, this is MY life, and I’ll live it however the fuck I want.

*sigh* so much for peace and quiet eh? Like I said, I’m different. I’m sorry you don’t see it.

The Rock Star Loves ALL of You

Yesterday was totally chaotic. I had no idea that people could be that er… irritatingly entertaining? Haha! But that aside, Jon lent me this really cool book that I’m hooked to now ☺

By the way, it’s nice knowing that you didn’t erm, die while you were away… And I must say the phone call was really out of the blue… And to think that I normally don’t answer calls from strange numbers haha! But all that aside, I really did miss you and it was really nice seeing you again. Thank you. See you soon k? Heard u made a trip down to Rick’s too… Haha…

I’d OBVIOUSLY say more but certain reasons disallow me from saying such things. Heh… Although someone said something very funny to me the other day. I know it’s off topic but she said something that was along the lines of “what?! That minah?! What does she have that you don’t?!?!” hahahahaha! Thanks girl ☺

Oh... And if you get the chance, GO WATCH Finding Neverland!! And if you don't get the chance, SHOOT YOURSELVES! Coz it's a bloody good movie, Johnny Depp or no. I'm serious. It's a definite worth watch. Keep an eye out coz I'll be co-writing the review with Mary-Ann for The UrbanWire.com

screw yesterday, live today, test tomorrow

I am ready for the next phase of my life. Melbourne here I come. Psych, get ready coz you lot are gonna get another psycho to teach.

I hung out with Luke, James and Sasha today. An eye opening experience filled with idle chatter, analyzing and even more bull shitting. You really do learn something new every day. And now, even I can testify to it.

My current ambition, Net Working. And this time, I'm not waiting. Not for you, not for anyone. I'm doing this for me. I've given up on you so that you know. But I still do care. Is that a paradox in itself? Sigh...

I've got a test tomorrow. Prolly gonna flunk. Heh.

Don't Think Of Me

I've now figured how to make my own happiness. i am very happy. And there's nothing that can take it away. Except one thing that happened earlier today actually. Amusing isn't it. How one thing can give you a whole world of trouble. But... There's no need to fight anymore. You do what you want, I'll do what I want. I still care. But there's nothing more I can do or say to change what we've done. The later half of last year was both chaotic and beautiful at the same time and no, I guess I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I don't even know if you share the same opinion on it or not. But I can safely say now that what you do no longer effects me. What you say may still hurt. But you can never rob me of what I have now. It's something that you'll never have. And that my friend, is love.

There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad,
Is the one thing that I had,

I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

And I remember all the things we once shared,
Watching T.V. movies on the living room armchair.
But they say it will work out fine.
Was it all a waste of time.

'Cause I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

Will I forget in time, ah,
You said I was on your mind?
There's no need to argue,
No need to argue anymore.
There's no need to argue anymore.

Ouuu, ouuu, ouuuu...
Special.

No Need to Argue, Cranberries

So, Didja Fuck Her Yet?

I am pissed off. Wanna know why? Because of a certain ass hole who thinks he/she can walk all fucking over me. I swear to God if you say anything like that again, you'll fucking regret it. Bitch. Again have a nice life, and for once let's see you telling us all the bloody truth.

Maddness and Happiness

Amzingly, over the pass few days, amidst the depression and anger, I am really happy. I figured out how to not let things get to me. Sure I do get pissed and hurt now and then but I can somehow let go again. ☺ This is great. Seriously. The only thing I will not tolerate is people saying shit about my kin. I’m generally in a good mood still and I hope to keep it up for a while at least. But if need be, I will stand up for them. I mean I am still me aren’t I? Violence is something that I don’t care much for anymore.

Oh and Luke? About what we talked about earlier? I’m not ready now but I will be. Someday. Maybe you did see what you thought you saw maybe you didn’t. Who knows these things anymore…

the ultimate

I have to say, this has been a very very confusing and sick past few days. Quite a few things have been revealed to me and quite a few things I’ve learnt about myself. All I can say is this, you love me or you hate me. I won’t take it personally. And you know what? I figured that I really don’t need to change. I quite like who I am when I’m in control. All I have to do is maintain that. Coz by hell, I’ll be damned if I make a bloody 180-degrees turn just like that. Aren’t I a bitch. Numero uno according to some but I personally couldn’t really care less. Why? Because ultimately, we all still talk don’t we. So who really cares if I’m the larger of two evils. Sure I may have said and done a shit load of things in my life time that I’m not uberly proud of but that’s no excuse for me to run about and cause mischief anymore than it is for me to pretend I’m someone else. Because, I’m me. And I’m quite happy being me.

And so I issue an ultimatum. If you hate me get outta my face. If not, you're very welcome to hang around. Then I'll at least know that you like my company. Even if it's just the tiniest bit. Because trust me, I don't hang around people I can't stand. And for all you guys who're still around, I really appreciate it. I love you lot to the core. Luke, Rick, Kenny, Drey, Geoff, Celia, Prasad, Sher, UW team (you guys ROCK) just to name a few. You've supported me in more ways than you'll ever know.

And to all those who have helped me, Suzie finally has a home. Suzie and I thank you. :)