I feel bad. No fucked. But bad all the same.
Rotten for all the stuff i put you through. The more I think, the more I realize that I shouldn't have said anything. If only I'd had met you earlier. Maybe then our lives wouldn't be so complicated. I do know how you feel. If anything, time and distance doesn't heal anything. It's closure.

In a sense, I'm still quite happy with my life. I wish you could be too.

I noticed that I actually can last without cigarettes. But without them, i feel so dependent on people. Without them I get insanely irritable. Call it mood swings? I think not.

It's times like these that makes me realize that I am my parents' daughter, my brother's sister.

I'm cooking dinner this Friday by the way. I wish you could be there. Pity you're so far away. An even greater pity that I didn't get to meet up with you for the short period of time you were still here. It would've been nice to have spoken to you. Without the sarcasm. Heck, it'd be nice to speak to you irregardless of the platform. Call me simple but I still think we can be friends.

That sappy song is blaring in my head.

"Promise me you'll wait for me
Coz I'll be saving all my love for you"

Even as Slipknot is blaring from my iPod. You must think I'm really stupid huh. But I'm really sick of mucking around. It is a pointless waste of my already precious time. I happen to believe that life is too damned short to waste. (If life is so short, why won't you let me love you before we run out of time...) And yet I'm one of those hopeless romantics who sometimes just wants to stare at the stars and see how beautiful the world is. And I hope one day to be able to gaze at a blue moon with someone special. An empty dream perhaps.

But still, it'd be nice to talk civilly.

It's just me. No one else. It's only Mel. No hidden agenda. Void of inertia, of malice and spite. Self centerdness perhaps. But with no ill content. That me is gone. Is that so difficult?

This time I stand along with nothing around. Nothing to hurt me or anyone else. If I could do anything for you, I would. It's in my nature to leave. Even if it hurts. It's only momentary isn't it?

One thing I don't really understand is why do people try to say something totally snide by throwing back something you said to them and still only throw when everything has lost it's timeliness. Hmm....

Anyways...

I find myself back on the edge
Losing grip, letting go of everything
An ethereal existence fallen without grace
A lost soul, trapped in between

Memories torn from time and space
Manifest once more in solitude's embrace
As true as blood, as cold as ice
A fire's rekindles in hell's depths

It's ok to be afraid
Only fools know nothing about fear
A heart aches longing for peace
As true hope shatters in a fiery escape

The mind's eye is covered and boxed up
And the world takes off into outer space
An emptiness that's left unseen
But always is felt in your endless dream

A captured image plays tricks on your mind
Making you feel dead, cold, devoid, blind
What is left when the box opens empty?
Nothing but hopes and lies for futile dreams

- Futile Dreams of a Lost Child, Mel