Look Who's Talking Now?

You know, I love blogging. But it can be so dangerous. Especially because of the ambiguity of it all. People are hurt because of total misunderstandings. I'm sure you all have seen raggedy ann worrying that some of my comments are made in reference to her right? And it's sad coz half the time it's got nothing to do with her at all. What makes me worry is the fact that she thought it was her. It's sad isn't it.

Now so that we are all clear who I'm speaking to, to my beloved groupie number 1 I have this to say.
If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. You're snide remarks of me losing people is not appreciated one bit because surprise surprise you have nothing to do with it as much as you'd like to believe. In addition to these, not all in my previous posts concerned you. So I really do hope that eventually you will look at what you're saying and come to realize that I'm not blaming anyone. It was a bloody misunderstanding for crying out loud. And if you really don't want this to drag on, then I say you should never have started it in the first place. The childishness of even publishing my thoughts on your blog and specifying names is making your intentions quite shady to me although I'd very much like to believe that they aren't. And you know what, if you think that you can say whatever you like WITH MY NAME pasted on it, think again because I will not take this sitting down which is why I'm typing all this out. But at least I have the common courtesy to keep your identity private. And for the record, all that was in reference to you was in the FIRST paragraph. If you still want to take offense to anything else thinking that I am that malicious, by all means. But if you are willing to compromise as I am, then let this be it. I'd hate to see this relationship go down the drain all because of both our willful natures. I still love you. I still care. Do not take this as a threat, but if this goes on, do not expect me to be nicey nice. (My God, it took forever for me to think of a term that wasn't hurtful to place :S )

One by one, we stare beneath the sun. With our arms open wide

I don't appreciate sarcasm. Least of all from someone I love. Especially not from someone I THOUGHT I could trust. You're right, we can't control the actions of others. All we can do is hope isn't it? I have no interest in controlling anyone. Only that I hope that they even try to understand and if they can't at least it shows that the effort was there. I talk to understanding when sometimes I barely understand what I say and what I do. As much as I have gained this year, I have lost at least 4 people through misunderstandings. One of which I can safely say derived from my own doing. But amazingly enough that one person still has the balls to reach out to me. That is sweet. So maybe I haven't really lost you have I. You really are something Rick, you really are. Be well my brother.

Photojourn was cancelled. And those involved were too broke to club. One by one my hopes and dreams are beginning to disappear. And the few that have come into being I am thankful for. We're growing up. It's just so hard to see all because we've been together for so long. Maybe too long. I have to stop smoking.

I have said it a hundred times. I will get what I want. And not even you can stop me.
So what if it sounds arrogant. So what if you think I'm heartless. I am your number one threat. And the one way that I won't be a threat has left. Another dream lost. You too are something special. I see that. But I don't know why you still stand by me. Again I will fade away. Goodbye.

I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams can all come true with love that we can share

With you I never wonder - will you be there for me
With you I never wonder - you're the right one for me

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

With every kiss our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
(But) we know that we will be together because our love is strong

Firehouse, Love of a Lifetime

Well I'm so fucking sorry that I'm not entitled to my own opinion. YES I think it's sad the whole tsunami incident. But I'll be lying to your faces if I were to say that it affects me in anyway. And no, I will not feel obligated to circulate SMS's or to donate money or clothes or anything. Call me a fucking heartless bitch that insults people without caring and see whether I'll give a flying fuck. I've said it once and I'll fucking say it again. You either love me or you hate me as far as I'm concerned, I don't really care. I do what I have to do and excuse me if I don't want to spend the time of day pretending to feel sorry for people just because it looks like the right thing to do. I will not be that big of a bloody hypocrite. Now FUCK OFF.

Looking Forward To Wednesday. Looking Forward To Clubbing, PhotoJourn, Mel coming home. I miss you!!!!

I suppose there's really no escaping what's happened is there. I have a great deal of things to say. Things I've learnt. But there is a time and place for all of it. And that time is well here isn't it. As much as the time on this blog says otherwise, it is now 2252 on the 27th December. It will take far too much out of me to type everything I wish to say out here now. Far too much pain for me to express my thoughts on those I love.

This has been the most filling Christmas I've had yet. From getting to spend time with my boys, yes all of them to spending time with my brother and Addie which was truly the best gift I could ask for to spending time with my parents and family. Sure enough there was a small situation that pissed me off very badly but ultimately, I figured that it's not really my fault that some people can't really take a joke and I'm not about to waste my energy, time and the season being angry at someone I love over something so small.

Yesterday I encountered yet another situation that made my blood boil. I still don't understand why people just can't seem to be happy with what they have and instead go out of their way to isolate themselves. It's ridiculous. And trust me, I can relate to it. I was shoved into a situation like that before. All the same, the matter is now solved and we're all happy again. At least everyone else is. I've been reminded of one too many things that I thought I had successfully eradicated from my being. I guess not huh Jed. I love you. I love all of you. So let's all go club on Wednesday ok? I've not PR'd with my parents though.......... :|

i'll blog later when im in a better mood.

Christmas was a blast!!! But I have no real interest in telling ya'll that story considering you guys were all there.

I am very pissed off though. I do not wish to be reminded of my past mistakes or things that have gone wrong. DO NOT DO IT. It's not nice. I won't be nice to you.

There's always something insanely sweet about re-reading old emails from old friends. I just ran across a few while I was doing my long overdue routine emptying of my inbox. Trust me, sorting out a few hundred emails is not funny at all. But when I came near the end, I saw this short one that said

"ok this is a pic of ME, dun u dare laf... or post it online ok...:D
I luv you...:P"

And that was sent to me in like... September! It's really things like these that make me so grateful for all the friends I have that love me so unconditionally. :) If there's anything I want for Christmas this year, it's for us all to really appreciate each other and stick together for as long as we live. I love you guys, you make each day worth living!

I shall return for you, my love, on christmas day

I can only wish and put everything at stake that I'll get what I want this Christmas. It's nothing material but it's everything that's real. I wish for all of us to be together and for us all to be happy. I want us to have true peace and happiness.

I want to see you again. I want you here with me. I remember sleepless nights filled with tears too much alcohol and smoking so much that the air in my room was thick with smoke. It's not so bad now. I am dealing with it pretty ok. I just wish you were here. I hate to admit it but I need you. You have no idea how much I do.

I've been running like mad away from myself, away from the truth, from everything. But I'm coming back. The last I saw you the year before was Christmas Day. I shall return. I swear it.

This is so fucking depressing. I've sunk to such a pathetic level of existence where I can barely keep track of time. It's all repeating itself all over again. I remember the last time I felt like this. I destroyed everything. Only problem is now, the stakes are too fucking high to screw around with. I cannot afford to lose this battle. And I cannot afford to be caught.

Do you remember the last time I said all that? The last few times in fact? I was hardly ever caught though. Except once where I completely let my guard down and under estimated almost everything. I don't understand why people like to play with my mind. It's not funny at all. Why do you like to torture me so much? Why don't you just come out right and end everything now. This has gone on for too long. And I'm sick and tired of it. Every single time I get into this state of mind, you somehow pop right in and try to save the day. But now you're not here at all. So much for promises. I never should've believed you in the first place. I never should have cared for you. I don't know why I still do. See how much you mean to me? The sad thing is, to you I'm nothing. I'm a bloody figurine sitting on the shelf collecting dust, a text book that never is read.

I'm losing my patience too damned fast. I want my life back. I want things to be back to normal. But I guess they'll never be. And if I even try to take back what's rightfully mine, I doubt it'll work. A part of me still lies with you and you're holding on to it so tightly it's suffocating me. You make me sick. I'm dying inside because of you, what you do, the things you say, who you are. Isn't it enough that I've let go? Why can't you. Why can't you just leave me alone. i don't want you in my dreams anymore. I'm not even sure if I want you in my future. If you asked me that a few months back, I would've definitely said you'd be there by my side, my confidant but now... Now I'm a total wreck because we've held on for so long and I'm letting go. And even as I say all this, the tears are rolling down my face because deep down I don't want to let go. But you already made your decision clear. I don't understand why you can't seem to follow through it the whole way. Why can't you just hate me and let it be as that. I've tried everything. And nothing seems to work at all. Do you really care about me that much? I doubt so, you probably just love seeing me in so much pain don't you. For the record, I do care about you. so much that I wish I didn't.

I wish I could just up and leave. I don't care where I'd go as long as it's far away from here. Far away from you. To a place where you can't reach me. Because every moment I think of you, it's like I'm dying inside all over again. I don't know how much more of it I can bear. I'm already breaking down. The funny thing about that is, you don't even see it. You have no idea at all. You don't know how much you're hurting me by just being there. Or how much pain I go through when I look at what we once were. I don't know if I really hate you because to me, it looks like I can finally admit I love you. And now it's too late for that.

Why is it then when reality finally hits you, you're too fucking late? Seriously, it's like a massive joke! When I don't want something it's there, ripe for the plucking. And now that I want it, I can't have it.

I suppose it's just me wanting what I can't/shouldn't have. Heh...
Christmas is in 6 days. And I still don't know where I'll be on the eve. I do know that I'll be dropping by at Luke's in the evening. :)

I can't sleep. My entire body is itching. This is annoying.

Where were you when I needed you the most? Where were you when I fell to darkness? where were you when I was rejoicing. You're promised you'd be there. But I guess you lied didn't you. You lied again. And I was stupid enough to believe and love you. It really goes to show that you can't trust anyone anymore doesn't it? Least of all your heart. To think that she doesn't know anything. Hah... Good luck to you my brother. Because I've had enough of your childish little games. You can go deal with your 'girlfriend' and I'll go on living and hopefully, I'll learn not to wait for you anymore. Haven't I wasted more than enough time on you?

Maybe I should've gone to the beach today... I do feel up to it. But... I've just got a few things to take care of first.

Where are you my love. Where are you? I need you now...

Bugger Off

Boys and Girls, Mel is sick AGAIN. Throat congestion. Doctor seems to think that it's stress and lack of sleep. He even gave me muscle relaxant. Heh... On top of that the fucker had to piss me off by asking me what medicine I was allergic to like more than 3 times. All of which I had to say the same long line of medicine names. Not fun I'll tell you that. And I'm on MC today... Sigh...

I nearly got into another argument today. About porridge no less. But I was too tired and annoyed to really do anything. So despite a dead throat, I didn't eat MY porridge. Instead I ate Mac and Cheese which made it feel worse. How wonderful.

One good thing though, is that Luke is home. :) I gave him the full blow by blow on what's been happening. And the two of us have agreed that the minute we leave the country, something weird is bound to happen. We worry what will happen when we are both gonna be away. Ahahaha! I told him about what's been bugging me and he does understand just like I knew he would. I mean there're somethings that a person really doesn't need to know. Especially if I'm going to be working with you. *sigh*

Oh oh, I must make noise about photojourn! It's AMAZING! I LURVE THAT CLASS!! I can safely say that Wayne and Mr. Yee are like on the top of my list of favorite lecturers. :)

Well the one thing that's really getting me down is knowing he could be home. Something tells me he isn't and yet... I don't know...

Our Last Goodbye

Where are you?
Where am I?
This sounds like our last goodbye.

I've changed so much since you left
I wonder if you'd still recognise the fire inside
The desire hurts, my muscles ache
My world is lost, disintigrate

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

A voice from behind me whispers nothing in my ear
My thoughts shift from emptiness into being
Sounds and images are taking shape
Being nothing is a food as living dead

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

Paranoia eats at me, gnawing my bones
An endless chatter made to topple
Shadows of strangers cast down by me
An army of darkness is what seeks me

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

Some say you're back
Safe and near by
Others are insane yet speak a strange truth
They say you never left but it was I who ran away

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

Gratify

You know, someone told me a few days ago that I'm one of the lucky ones that gets everything I want eventually if not immediately. But he also said, he loves me because even in getting anything, I'm not selfish. I love you too. It's things like those that remind me how much you mean to me and how I can never lose you again. You are special to me. You have been at my side through the darkest of my days as I've tried to be there as much as I possibly could be for you.

Thank you and know that I will always love you.

-Melissa

Accuracy and Irony

Whenever I'm in one of these strange mood swings, iTunes takes it upon itself to pick out the most fitting songs in my 2000+ song playlist. Irony of ironies, it's "Fallen For You" by Sheila Nicholls. Damn. Another accurate one.

Fallen for you
Did you ever see me
Watching from periphery?
I was playing another game
Hoped you catch on all the same

Fallen from view
Did you ever touch me
Floating through your potpourri?
I thought I felt your fingers once
After waiting all these months

But I was wrong, so wrong
That was just another song you wrote, for another girl
And I hoped a day could be
When you'd write a song for me

But it never came
I thank you all the same
But I'll go now, so you won't know how much I've

Fallen for you
Boy who's trying to be a man
Boy, who don't know if he can
I thought I knew you well enough
But your walls are still too tough

But I was wrong, so wrong
That was just another song you wrote, for another girl
And I hoped the day could be
When you'd write a song for me

But it never came
I thank you all the same
But I'll go now, so you won't know how much I

Thought about you all the time
Walking round, the Guggenheim
Like a rhyme, in my mind
There you are, in my car
But we don't drive very far
To the beach, out of reach
Next to me my fantasy

Falling for you
Did you ever see me
Watching from periphery?
I was playing another game
I hoped you catch on all the same

Cops N' Robbers

I am officially a lock picker. I just opened my room door with a hair pin. I got locked out. Why people lock my room door with my keys INSIDE is completely beyond me. Honestly, they can tell me I saw your keys in your cap and I put it on your table. AND they still lock the door. I suppose it was my fault for leaving them inside but AGAIN, why leave the keys INSIDE?! *sigh*

This has been a very very VERY bad week. All the shit is happening THIS week.

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So Close

In awhile, you’ll be home. Back here. Where I am. And yet you’d be even further away from me as you should be. I don’t understand how something so special could just dissipate. How something that in my eyes was so perfect was so wrong. What’s worse is that I know it is so wrong and yet I feel the way I do. I can still smell you. It’s like you’re right next to me. Like you never left my side. And that hurts like mad. I miss you so badly. So close yet so far away. Why can’t I just love you? Why must everything be one huge complication.

I want to fall in love with you all over again. But I musn't.


Death, the second of The Endless, you are
responsible for ending all lives and taking
them to your realm, from which no one ever
returns. You are bright, positive, happy,
optimistic and enjoy everything about life, but
that does not mean your silly or stupid. You
can lay the smack down when you have to!
Everyone loves you, and they don't know why.

Maddness

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarging your world, mad world

Take the quiz: "What kind of eyes do you have?"

Scared
Your eyes are scared. Your eyes are scared of pain, or rejection. You know how much it hurts to lose someone u cared for, but in return they dumped you like a sack of potatoes! Someday you will find your special friend, or lover, so dont stay hidden too much. You have also seen much misery when it comes to guy too, so you pefer to keep it safe, and keep your heart locked up from everyone guy that seems to be interested. You dont wanna go through anymore pain....


Whisper


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Earthquake


?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
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Take the quiz: "Which God or Goddess are you?"

God of Beautiful Death
Elegant, regal, and beautiful. You accept death for what it is, and unavoidable part of life. You often feel higher than others, more mature or sane, and tend to wear dresses and skirts if your a girl, or collared shirts if you're a boy. You bring those who have died a peaceful death to their resting place.

I miss you... Jed... It's hard... It's been so long since I've seen you. And already I miss you so much. I still care a lot for you. Maybe even love.

Melb Sick

It's just so unbelievable that I'm actually heading to school now. It's just foreign to me that I'm going in on my birthday no less. I've never had to worry about not being drunk or waking up late on my birthday so much so that it feels like a normal day.

Last night was murder though. No, I didn't really go out late. I actually had French food with my family. But that's not what happened. My aircon was leaking than my desk phone wouldn't work. On top of that, my track pad was acting up. I was so pissed off. Let's hope the day goes better eh? But the one thing that was really nice about it so far was the idea that Luke called at 12 on the dot. It was really sweet and it really made my day. :) It's a good thing that I've got such cool friends eh? Honestly i don't know what to do with them.

Melbourne was amazing. I loved it so much to the point that I was kinda bummed that I had to leave. Sure I missed home sure, I got irritated while there at one point or another but I cannot wait to go back! There's so much to do, so much to see!! And I barely saw much of the place. After all, I was only there for what, 11 days? The whole time I was there I wasn't even preoccupied with the idea of being wireless. Really, the only electronic devices I brought with me were my camera and my hand phone. Even then I barely used the camera. I only used it on the first Sunday! I couldn't be bothered to charge it and shit coz I was charging my phone most of the time. Speaking of phone I never met with with David or Brenda... Eek...

I've also grown to LOVE clubbing! Hah! Plus, the drinks there are pretty cheap. Beer at 3, shots at 5 and pours at 7! Not bad huh! Was considering going to Zouk out last Saturday. Instead, I was hanging out with Audrey and Rick at which we went to NYDC for AMAZING bratwurst sausage pizza and even more mouth watering Tiramisu MudPie. I've been hanging out with the guys literally every day since I got back. Rick and Audrey picked me up from the airport, the next day I hung out with Luke the day after EVERYONE was down. I even got to meet Kenny for dinner haha! Then I hung with Rick and Audrey than just Audrey which brings us all up to date. Like I said, I've got the best friends anyone could ask for. And now as I near shool, I hope the day goes better. No, I PRAY the day goes better.

Later kids (PS: ADAM CAN WALK!! AND RUN!!! With minimal falling!!!)