This is so fucking depressing. I've sunk to such a pathetic level of existence where I can barely keep track of time. It's all repeating itself all over again. I remember the last time I felt like this. I destroyed everything. Only problem is now, the stakes are too fucking high to screw around with. I cannot afford to lose this battle. And I cannot afford to be caught.

Do you remember the last time I said all that? The last few times in fact? I was hardly ever caught though. Except once where I completely let my guard down and under estimated almost everything. I don't understand why people like to play with my mind. It's not funny at all. Why do you like to torture me so much? Why don't you just come out right and end everything now. This has gone on for too long. And I'm sick and tired of it. Every single time I get into this state of mind, you somehow pop right in and try to save the day. But now you're not here at all. So much for promises. I never should've believed you in the first place. I never should have cared for you. I don't know why I still do. See how much you mean to me? The sad thing is, to you I'm nothing. I'm a bloody figurine sitting on the shelf collecting dust, a text book that never is read.

I'm losing my patience too damned fast. I want my life back. I want things to be back to normal. But I guess they'll never be. And if I even try to take back what's rightfully mine, I doubt it'll work. A part of me still lies with you and you're holding on to it so tightly it's suffocating me. You make me sick. I'm dying inside because of you, what you do, the things you say, who you are. Isn't it enough that I've let go? Why can't you. Why can't you just leave me alone. i don't want you in my dreams anymore. I'm not even sure if I want you in my future. If you asked me that a few months back, I would've definitely said you'd be there by my side, my confidant but now... Now I'm a total wreck because we've held on for so long and I'm letting go. And even as I say all this, the tears are rolling down my face because deep down I don't want to let go. But you already made your decision clear. I don't understand why you can't seem to follow through it the whole way. Why can't you just hate me and let it be as that. I've tried everything. And nothing seems to work at all. Do you really care about me that much? I doubt so, you probably just love seeing me in so much pain don't you. For the record, I do care about you. so much that I wish I didn't.

I wish I could just up and leave. I don't care where I'd go as long as it's far away from here. Far away from you. To a place where you can't reach me. Because every moment I think of you, it's like I'm dying inside all over again. I don't know how much more of it I can bear. I'm already breaking down. The funny thing about that is, you don't even see it. You have no idea at all. You don't know how much you're hurting me by just being there. Or how much pain I go through when I look at what we once were. I don't know if I really hate you because to me, it looks like I can finally admit I love you. And now it's too late for that.