Between sneezing, blowing my nose, potato chips, cigarettes, and a whole bunch of bullshit, I will do my assignments. I will make sure that I do well. I will not let anything stand in my way.

Unfortunately, I'm letting blogging stand in my way. Along with anime. Dear God. Who am I trying to kid.

This has been another crazy week and I don't think things are going to get any more relaxing. I've actually been getting some work done so that's pretty good.

One thing still bugs me though, that dream. It doesn't sound like something I'd do and yet there I was. Slip off the tongue comments must really be getting to me huh. I keep having to reinforce what Freud said. "the you that you know is not worth knowing." On some levels I can agree with it and yet on others... The me I know is the only me I've got. The only one that I can believe in.

My brain is going to explode one day.

secrets

CHOOSE 10 RANDOM FRIENDS AND WRITE DOWN YOUR TRUE FEELINGS ABOUT THEM. DO NOT DISCLOSE WHO THEY ARE - LEAVE THEM GUESSING.

1. You are my best friend, my love, my spirit and my strength. Without you constantly there, I don't know what would have happened. You'll always be number one in my books.

2. You can be a real idiot sometimes in the things that you do and the choices that you make. Sometime even the things you say are completely moronic. And yet at others, your words are nothing but complete inspiration to me. Knowing that you've been through hell and made it back alive is really something special. I still see you struggling to get past all the labels but the thing that's really admirable is that you aren't giving up.

3. You sometimes make me wonder if I really am a friend at all. You jump from one thing to another so quickly and you do it without looking back. Sometimes your words cut and they cut deep. But at the end of the day, I know for a fact that we are as we will always be. Watchers and purveyors of pure unadulterated fun.

4. You kind of scare me sometimes. When I think about it all, it's a very uncertain road and sometimes it really gets to me. Even so, it's a choice that has been made, there will always be that window of opportunity to back out and run for our lives. I don't think I will ever need to take it. You make me feel... special.

5. You are the biggest disappointment I have ever encountered in my entire life. You say the stupidest things without thinking. You don't look at things from someone else's point of view. It's always about you isn't it? It's always about how you can benefit through hurting someone else. Quite frankly, I do miss you but even so, I'm far better off without you in my life.

6. You can bright up my day without even being there. The thought of you brings a smile to my face. It gives me strength and belief that this world isn't as fucked up as I thought it to be.

7. You are the one who has made me feel like I really hit rock bottom. You managed to make me feel so disgusted with myself. The one who made me look at my reflection in the mirror and hate what I saw. The one that made me think that I'm no better than any another idiot on the street. I'm glad to be rid of you and I honestly do not want to see or hear of you again.

8. You're sometimes really full of shit. But that's ok coz sometimes I get that way too. It's been a while since I've spoken to you. Soon though, soon I'll be seeing you really soon. I love you.

9. I miss you.

10. You're the one that kept me second guessing myself. You made me afraid of looking forward. You surprised me with the things that you did and the choices you made. I guess you did make me feel really sad. You're still a really good friend and a wonderful person to boot. But I'm still not ready to make nice.

You have to sit down sometimes and ask yourself, what do you want more. What choice can you live with. And what choice is worth risking everything for. Thing is, for me, I hate dealing with what-ifs. I think I'd be able to handle the after effects of my choices better than dwelling on what could have been.

And yet having said that, sometimes you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. All because you took that leap. Then you gotta ask yourself, can you just forget all the paranoia, let go of the idea that something can't last forever. Can you live in the moment. It's scary, I'll admit, but I can do it. Can you?

You know, sometimes you reach a point in your life where you think that there's really nothing left to live for and you just want to stop. But here's the thing, do you know what actually stops you from doing the unthinkable? From comitting the biggest mistake you can make? Belief. Not necessarily in God or a higher power. Perhaps love is one of those things. Love for your faimly, friends and all that. Even more so is the love that these people have for you.

A lot of people pretend to be very apathetic when they really aren't. They fight and argue but deep down, we're all the same aren't we? Just regular people. Mortals.

Why is it that we fight so hard these things that will eventually bring that small glimmer of hope? Why is it that people are somehow so afraid. My speculation is that they're afraid of losing what they've got.

Ok, the weekend was amazing. Seriously. I had so much fun. I guess I really really am happy. All I can say is, thank you. Thank you for everything.

Can't really say much now, I gotta run again. Busy busy busy me.

Of all the stupid days for me not to be able to sleep. Of all the stupid days, it had to be today. I'm dead tired. I haven't slept a wink. And believe me, it's not fun to be drifting in and out. I just wish I could bloody well sleep.

I think it's too hot. I'm at my wits end here. I'm going to land up falling asleep in lecture later at this rate. No really. I'm very tempted to just pack my things and sit outside and whack the ps2 until it's time to go for class. Or perhaps, I should just try to sleep again. God, I need to do laundry. And I REALLY need to stop spending money.

Traffic light. Well... Let's put it this way, I was with Daniel the whole time. Spent every moment with him. We talked, we were honest, we understood each other. One of the best nights ever. And then again, he was kinda drunk. But still, I had fun. I was safe. And now, if I don't sleep I'll never be awake tomorrow. And I've got class with Sanjay. And I'm bringing my laptop. So excuse me if I'm not online.

My mood right now, I don't know. Don't ask. All I can ask of you is this, don't break me. I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I can deal with it.

I just want to be me. I just want to be happy. Is that really that hard?

Some days, you wake up and you feel like a total idiot. Some days you feel like the world is yours to control and do with as you please. I am in a good mood today. I really should just get dressed to go out. But it's still early. And quite frankly, I don't really give a shit.

well, today was pretty eventful. ran down to uni to meet up with jen, hung out at station street and got my ass kicked at tai ti by steven but what the hell. The good part is I got credit back, thank God. But either way, I've blown my budget so badly it's not even funny. Seriously.

Tomorrow's the traffic light party. I've finally agreed to going. I guess you could say I'm not really big on it but what the hell, might as well right? Since I gave cash to Jen already. Besides, they might slaughter me if I don't turn up. That and 15 bucks is a lot of money to me right now.

But I suppose, that if I start eating in more, and I start smoking less, I should still have enough cash to go out on the weekends. I mean, it can't be that hard right? Saving money? People do it all the time.

....Days like these, I really miss home. Miss messing around, miss the late night talks that can go on and on till morning. Miss just being able to step out my door and reach my destination within the half hour. Miss hanging out at Wala or that wonderful thing called all day breakfast. And I love poached eggs. Hehe :) But most of all, I really miss the people. The people that make my life feel so complete. People who make my life worth living. My wonderful friends, my loving family. But you know, I gotta do this. At least for me. You know that right? I've got to take that chance. It's me after all, it's about time I started takinga few risks here and there. Just know that no matter what, I'll always love you guys. And you aren't very far from my thoughts....

I had the most amusing phone conversation today. Thank you. Finally, someone who can somewhat get what I'm triyng to say.

I can see hell and heaven in your eyes. It doesn't particularly scares me, heck it excites me. Just knowing, just feeling. In the admirable words orf David Draiman, "Touching you makes me feel alive, Touch you makes me die inside."

I think the meds are getting to me. I'm getting into one of those strange sadistic moods. Then again, I've been like this all day, that strange mood that I can't explain no matter how hard I try. A mood I can't shake off.

I know what I want. I know what I need. And I also know that what I want and what I need often do not coincide. And yet, I can't help it. I wish.

I'm secretly wishing. I am not so secretly waiting. But it's no secret that I am trying to be patient. Don't know how long I can keep this up, but I try. I will break eventually. Heck, I feel it coming on. But we shall see how far I can push.

This is quite random. But it's stuck in my head. Feel like proclaiming it to the world.

Should of been, could of been
Would of been dead
If I didnt get the message
Goin to my head
I am what I am
Most motherfuckers
Dont give a damn
Aw baby think you can
Be my girl, Ill be your man

Come-on full of fun
Do me till Im well done
Little bo peep
Cumin from my stan gun
Beware... take care
Most motherfuckers
Have a cold ass stare
Aw baby please be there
Suck my kiss cut me my share

Hit me you cant hurt me
Suck my kiss
Kiss me please pervert me
Stick with this
Is she talking dirty
Give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to suck my kiss

Look at me cant you see
All I really want to be
Is free from a world
That hurts me
I need relief
Do you want me girl
To be your thief
Aw baby just for you
Id steal anything that you want me to

K - I - s - s - I - n - g
Chicka chicka dee
Do me like a banshee
Low brow is how
Swimming in the sound
Of bow wow wow
Aw baby do me now
Do me here I do allow

Hit me you cant hurt me
Suck my kiss
Kiss me please pervert me
Stick with this
Is she talking dirty
Give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to...

Should of been, could of been
Would of been dead
If I didnt get the message
Goin to my head
I am what I am
Most motherfuckers
Dont give a damn
Aw baby think you can
Be my girl, Ill be your man

Come-on full of fun
Do me till Im well done
Little bo peep
Cumin from my stan gun
Beware... take care
Most motherfuckers
Have a cold ass stare
Aw baby please be there
Suck my kiss cut me my share

Hit me you cant hurt me
Suck my kiss
Kiss me please pervert me
Stick with this
Is she talking dirty
Give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to suck my kiss

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss

Well well well well WELL. I went to lecture! w00t! I actually enjoyed it. It was the personality lecture and guess what. Freud. :P I mean you gotta love the guy. Every connotation is pertaining to sex and the concept of instant gratification.

Either way, I got the SPSS shit from Sanjay which is good. I really need to get my shit together though. I didn't study at all the whole of last week man.... So uncool. But then again, considering I was going out so darned much, it was fun.

Oh and if I haven't said it yet, I PIERCED MY NOSE!!!! :D Go me!

ok, now I have to stop talking like a bimbo.

the weekend was amazing. heck i had so much fun this past week that i haven't been studying. so not good.

well, i'm thinking that this week i'll keep it on a low key. start getting shit done. i owe it to myself don't i?

yes, i owe it to myself to be happy.

Sometimes people surprise you. That's a given. Heck, sometimes you surprise yourself. You can go out there, put yourself in the world thinking that you're the fighter, the one with a resolve. All it takes is just that one moment. That one person. And everything melts away. All that pain becomes a distant memory. And the risks that you take in life are far better than just sitting and being the coward.

Let's face facts, I was the coward. The one that was so comfortable in her own little, cramped shell who refused to come out and take the world head on. As it turns out, the minute I did, I found that it wasn't so bad. Yes, life is a bitch. But it can be fun.

Because you know that one slight moment that you're really happy? The one small moment? It's worth it. Worth all the pain. That's why I now follow this very simple mantra. You can throw anything at me. You can make me go through hell. But, for quite a few brief periods of times in 21 years of my life, I can honestly say, I was happy.

And you know what? That my friends, is worth living for.

Happy Birthday Daniel
Happy Birthday Sanjay

I hope the two of you will be able to experience the myriad of happiness as I have.

Little by little, pieces of the puzzle will fall in place and all will be as it should. But that is no reason not to care. It is not something you can use as an excuse to give up. How else will you feel your worth if you give up?

I will be as I have always been. I understand that there are some things in life that I refuse to give up. I feel immensely sorry for those who try or for those who would wish to break my resolve. I can only ask that you don't try.

Being afraid is no excuse. Living a substandard life is no excuse. But having said that, living with wool over your eyes is even worse. I will never allow myself to be subjected to that. Never again.

To those who know of what I speak, good. And to those that don't, speculation will bring you no closer to the real answers and neither will asking me.

I've had this sick feeling at the back of my gut since I came back. I thought that it would go away when I got used to living here again. But as it turns out. I still just want to go home. I want to see the people I miss. I want to hang out with the cousin that was always like a brother to me. I want to hug my brother and never let go. But I can't. And no matter how much I wish I could, I can't.

You. You you you you YOU.

you are my #1 crush, the ultimate in my books. The standard that nobody can really break. You've set the bar love, you and only you. And I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing. I mean, you told me to go and do things as I see fit didn't you? I know you meant well. And I know that you still want me to be happy. But let's face it, isn't it all a little too absurd? Isn't it all a little too complicated?

Hasn't there been a standard? Even with you? I'm just a regular person you know. I'm not special in anyway. I'm just... me. I don't see why it has to be so difficult. i don't understand why things have to be so darned messy all because of them. I don't understand the complications that we have built our lives upon.

Heck, I don't see the point. I'm continuing because it's me. It's what I do, I survive. There's nothing more to it. As far as I'm concerned, it's the one thing that's stable in my life. People think it's so easy to be me. They think it's a fucking walk in the park. When they don't know. They try to compare themselves with me. And it's not a one off thing. Almost everybody I've tried to get close to does it. It's like a huge competition. A huge waste of time.

You know what, it's not simple. It's not as easy as I make it out to be. They think that being me is so fucking easy. They think I've got it made. Well, I don't. How dare they think that my life is a walk in the park just because I don't show them how much pain I face every day. How dare they mock me. How dare they say that I have no right to say anything in my defence.

The only way I will be able to deem them worthy of such statements is when they've tried living just one day in my shoes. No really, just try it. Try going through one day, of not being able to be with the people you want to be with. Of not being able to be with people that you love with all your heart and soul. Try keeping up this face that I put up. They think I'm hard on them, they insist that I don't understand. Or worse yet, they say that I don't even try to. How can they expect me to sympathise with them when all they do is complain about their own shit. I don't mind listening to it, heck, I myself complain quite often. But even so, I don't make threats do I? I don't get on a high horse and claim to be better than everyone else. I'm not better than everyone else. I just don't see a point in complaining.

Think about it, why bother to bitch about something. Seriously, does bitching about things ever really help? I don't think so. It's never done me a shred of good. Why bother. Why get angry when there's nothing we can do about it?

People are strange creatures. Myself included. I'm not asking for everything. I just want one thing. The one thing that I've been holding on to for so long. I just want to be happy. Why does that have to be so difficult? Why do I always have to be scorned for it? What give anyone the right to tell me what to say, do or think. I'm sorry that everyone isn't at peace. I'm sorry that hardly anyone is satisfied with their life. But guess what, neither am I.

But. The one thing that's different is, you don't see me giving up. I won't ever give up. I will fight even though I hate fighting. Even though I'm tired of it. I will give my all. Because I know that what I'm doing is right. It's all I can do.

Hi, on a normal basis I wouldn't do this but what do I care eh? I'm in Australia. How much trouble can I be getting in?

I don't know if it's the fact that my cousin is getting married next week or that I've got John Mayer and Damien Rice on repeat, but it got me thinking about when I first met you. Of how no matter what happened to either of us, we'd still be able to talk and whine our guts out to each other.

It's a Friday evening. I'm not too sure what time it is where you are so I figured I'm better off not calling any ways. But then again, who knows if your phone is still up and running eh?

I got to thinking, about the situation that I'm in. I wonder what I should do. I'm a little lost at the moment and I'm scared. I'm really really scared. I don't really know what to do with myself. It's not a big mess really but it's beginning to bug me little by little. I think it's probably one of the reasons why I can't seem to concentrate no matter how hard I try. The more I read my text books the more I think about the strange things that you used to tell me. Silly things about sea shells and stars. We both knew that it was just you trying to get me to smile. I miss that.

I miss that it was so easy for me to sit and talk with you. I miss that I'd come home and you'd be there or you'd come home and I'd be. I miss the late night talks and me getting nagged at for coming home late. I miss all of it. I miss the fact that I never answered the phone because I was so preoccupied with talking about music or books with you. I miss those little bits of trivia that you'd feed me.

It's even harder because of everyone that I've ever met in this world, there's none that are just like you. I meet people that are similar in some ways but in the long run turn out to be complete assholes. I still remember what you told me. And I know it's for my own good. I know you want me to be happy. I guess a part of me is, but another part will always be sad. Because it feels different now. Like I can't talk. Or I can't reach you even if you're just there.

And I know that it's a choice that I made and that I can't back down now. I know I can't allow myself to give up. I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye now would I?So I'm trying to stay the same. Trying to remain the same girl that I can be proud of. The same girl clinging to fragments of memories and painful dreams. The impatient girl forcing patience upon herself to the day that I'll see you again.

So here's to everything.

To the only one that really sees me.

Till I leave.

I just wanted to say:

Why I torture myself is completely beyond me. Did I become stupid over the course of a year?!

It was just one of those nights with one of those dreams that have left me feeling all too nostalgic and all too achy. My back will eventually give out on me if this continues.

I dreamt about old times. Really old times. Ok fine, maybe not so old but yes. I remember it quite clearly actually. There were something new about the dream though. Watching movies at Cine till 4 in the morning, drinking ourselves silly and every opportunity, waking up realising that there's no food to get rid of the incessant growling in our guts.

And yet, while all these things took place when I was home, there were an array of people I'd just met. A whole troupe of them that I've been friends with for the past 1 or 2 years. With of course the mandatory inclusion of the dream. My dream. My unbelievably real dream.

Maybe I shouldn't study that late into the night. Or maybe I should really just go and eat something when I'm hungry as opposed to letting myself implode from hunger. I'm not trying to starve myself mind you, I'm just too lazy to cook. Too fuckin' lazy to do very much now, except ps2, psp and get this, study.

I'm determined to get my grades up. I'm adamant about doing the best I know I can. And I'm not about to let anyone pull me down.

I am going to change.

Yes. Henceforth I am going to be a better person! I am going to start studying tonight, I'm going to start eating breakfast (as soon as I do groceries), and I'm going to minimise eating instant stuff. And and, I'm already drinking less so that is also good! :D

Look at me go eh? Then again, that's just what I say now. I'm in a wonderful mood. There's very little that can spoil this mood now. Yay me!!

God, I sound so... bimbotic.

Hello. I watched Don Juan DeMarco last night. And I loved it. I understood it better than I could understand any other movie made for the male psyche. I mean, as opposed to any regular Jude Law flick like Alfie , this one actually makes sense.

The greatest lover of all time. On this Earth anyways.