You. You you you you YOU.

you are my #1 crush, the ultimate in my books. The standard that nobody can really break. You've set the bar love, you and only you. And I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing. I mean, you told me to go and do things as I see fit didn't you? I know you meant well. And I know that you still want me to be happy. But let's face it, isn't it all a little too absurd? Isn't it all a little too complicated?

Hasn't there been a standard? Even with you? I'm just a regular person you know. I'm not special in anyway. I'm just... me. I don't see why it has to be so difficult. i don't understand why things have to be so darned messy all because of them. I don't understand the complications that we have built our lives upon.

Heck, I don't see the point. I'm continuing because it's me. It's what I do, I survive. There's nothing more to it. As far as I'm concerned, it's the one thing that's stable in my life. People think it's so easy to be me. They think it's a fucking walk in the park. When they don't know. They try to compare themselves with me. And it's not a one off thing. Almost everybody I've tried to get close to does it. It's like a huge competition. A huge waste of time.

You know what, it's not simple. It's not as easy as I make it out to be. They think that being me is so fucking easy. They think I've got it made. Well, I don't. How dare they think that my life is a walk in the park just because I don't show them how much pain I face every day. How dare they mock me. How dare they say that I have no right to say anything in my defence.

The only way I will be able to deem them worthy of such statements is when they've tried living just one day in my shoes. No really, just try it. Try going through one day, of not being able to be with the people you want to be with. Of not being able to be with people that you love with all your heart and soul. Try keeping up this face that I put up. They think I'm hard on them, they insist that I don't understand. Or worse yet, they say that I don't even try to. How can they expect me to sympathise with them when all they do is complain about their own shit. I don't mind listening to it, heck, I myself complain quite often. But even so, I don't make threats do I? I don't get on a high horse and claim to be better than everyone else. I'm not better than everyone else. I just don't see a point in complaining.

Think about it, why bother to bitch about something. Seriously, does bitching about things ever really help? I don't think so. It's never done me a shred of good. Why bother. Why get angry when there's nothing we can do about it?

People are strange creatures. Myself included. I'm not asking for everything. I just want one thing. The one thing that I've been holding on to for so long. I just want to be happy. Why does that have to be so difficult? Why do I always have to be scorned for it? What give anyone the right to tell me what to say, do or think. I'm sorry that everyone isn't at peace. I'm sorry that hardly anyone is satisfied with their life. But guess what, neither am I.

But. The one thing that's different is, you don't see me giving up. I won't ever give up. I will fight even though I hate fighting. Even though I'm tired of it. I will give my all. Because I know that what I'm doing is right. It's all I can do.