In a world where you are completely surrounded by so many people that it is suffocating, do you sometimes begin to really realise how alone you are? Your problems are your own. Your happiness is fleeting. And there is not a single person out there who can or even wants to hear you talk let alone cry or scream.

It's like being in between darkness and light. Not being able to see where you're going. Being completely helpless in a place where you are the only person dependable.

I put up my pictures today. They line my walls. All except the space right above my window. It's far too narrow for a full A4 sized picture to fit. And thus, I will draw. I will write. And I will pray that I am heard.

This feeling is so not new to me. Not one bit. An yet I still find myself falling into the same trap all over again. God help me.

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'LL think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love
Tainted love, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Tainted love
Tainted love
Tainted love

Oh my aching back. Or my head. Whole body for that matter. Things are certainly taking a very interesting twist. I worry about it. So far it's been... er... 4 people in one week. That's just this week. It's not including the Sydney trip. It turns out that confidence is not doing me much good is it brother? Heh.

So I got back around... 12pm today from drinking with Tav and Jin and all at Notting Hill. Cheap beer. UBERLY cheap beer. But really, this is so... overkill. I'm so damned broke now that I doubt I'll be going to Ai-bo's birthday thing later tonight. I tire. Not to mention I lack funds... And if I were to tell my mother that I'm broke and need money to go club... I don't think she'll be happy about it? Heh... Damned credit card. Why the hell didn't they print my name right?! If they did, I wouldn't be in this mess!!! Argh!!

I'm going to ATTEMPT to study now. Wish me luck. God knows I need it.

I begin to notice, that like most guys, I tend to say what people want to hear. Like tonight, please God, nothing happened but still... The energy, the want. This is so not good. And yet.... I feel really guilty. As in REALLY guilty. Coz well.... I like someone else. In a weird way I like loads of peopel.... But... For those of you who do know... I'm kinda into this other person. As in mildly attracted to . And yet....

Fuck man... I don't know what I'm doing. I shouldn't and yet....

For fuck's sakes why am I publishing this on an online blog. Omg... Whatever. Nobody but my close friends read this so whatever.

I miss home. My security blanket. People who'd listen to me when I rant, when I'm scared. People that love me no matter what. Or people I HOPE love me.

I'm just really frazzled *again*. God knows I need a friend. I really need a friend now. I miss you guys so so so so SO much. It's not too long but still it feels that way. Please... I pray that you'll be there for me coz I reallly need friends right now.

Men are here to destroy. Hahaha! Nah don't take me seriously on that. I've not been doing much today. Body's still a little funky so well yea. I doubt I'll be doing much tomorrow either. I'm trying to recover before Friday. I mean I have to be there right? Hehe. Although all things considering I probably don't?

I was watching the Ninth Gate again last night. Reminded me of Mel all over again. MeL and Mel. *sigh* I miss him loads! But still I've got things that need to be done. People that need to be seen and places to be. Just one step at a time and things'll be just fine.

Ok I know you're all gonna slap your foreheads and roll your eyes at me but I really do think that I should try and cut down drinking. I mean seriously, I've been drinking so damned much. It's been drinking non stop since... Since before I left Singapore man! This is so not good huh. So yea. It's about time I relax, and get into gear. It's my second year of Uni already. Can't screw it up now can I? I know I'll be ok. I'm far too in control for things to falter now.

I know that things are beginning to fall into place and yet I'm still a little off here and there. Worried in a way but you know. Still, I just gotta keep at it and I'll be great. Right? Right? Right?

PS: No I'm not hyper. I'm actually kinda bored. Heh...

My lifestyle is on the move again. I'm not entirely sure how or why. I suppose I really am beginning to appreciate all the little things in life. I met some really great people in Sydney. Like the people at the Wiccan shop at the end of George Street and Jon's crazy friends when we went clubbing at Space. Don't expect me to post up pictures. My mother refused to let me take the t9. Heh. I'm not surprised.

Yesterday was Evelyne's (one of my new housemates') birthday. We drank we ate and we teased. :P I've been back about a week and already so much has happened. I'm having fun all over again. The time of my life to an extent. I still miss home. I still miss my loves. I miss you guys so much that I see you in my dreams.

I suppose that what comes of listening to The Fly Mix all the time. Well that and Far Away by Nickelback. Well... From the looks of it, I SHOULD be home come early November. That's only... shit that only 3 months away you guys! :)

Take care of yourselves. My love for you is undying.

Sydney. I loved it. Loads of fun. Either way, I made new friend! hehe. And in case anyone's noticed, I kinda just got back. Exhausted beyond all reason. But here's the song of the moment:

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know,

you know, you know




I love you

And I've loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore




On my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know,

you know, you know




I love you

And I've loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore




So far away

(So far away)

Been far away for far too long

So far away

(So far away)

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know




I wanted

I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

And I've loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you any more

Believe it

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving you any more

Believe it

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and never let me go




Far Away, Nickelback

Poor excuse for living accommodations. It's how I've always regarded the apartment in which I spend a good part of the year in. It's not home. To me, it's a halfway house with a twist. In... a little under 8 hours, I'll be on a plane. Going back. I suppose the Sydney trip is something I should look forward to but I can't help but feel sad. I already cried when my brother sent me home. After he left of course. I mean, I always cry when I think of him and how much I'll miss him. It's even harder this time because we spent so much of my remaining time together. I haven't left yet and I already miss him. We talked about all sorts of things from our problems to the problem with the world in general. We talk politics, religion, music and films. Technology and good food. Anything you can think of, we've talked about it.I'm so grateful that we're close. I don't want to lose him and I never want to see him sad.

Be safe. And I will keep the promises I made. I will try to pray. I will make sure that I don't let things get me down. Everywhere, everyday, every instant, there is someone out there. We aren't perfect people, but I wouldn't change you. You're stronger than you or anyone else gives you credit for. I love you.


We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true
We can live in fear
Extend our selves to love
We can fall below
Or lift our selves above
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear
I always try so hard
To share my self around
But now I'm closing up again
Drilling through the ground
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear
I'd love to give my self away
But I find it hard to trust
I've got no map to find my way
Amongst these clouds of dust
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear
But it's not always that clear
But it's not always that clear
But it's not always that clear

Fear and Love, Morcheeba

FYI, please LOOK AT THE DATE AND TIME of the blogs before asking me questions. Many thanks...

PS: Familia. Always. Never doubt that.

You people make things out to be all about you with no regard for anyone else. You make it look like everything you're feeling is just about you. When you don't realise that a lot of the things that you say and do is all about you. You say that I show my temper and that I'm being dramatic. Is that really what you think is going on? Is it all really just you against the world? That's just an excuse. It's always easier to blame the rest of the world. I don't understand why you can't just say that you're sorry. I wonder what has to happen before you finally realise what's really happening.

I wish there were someone who could see and feel what I feel. I wish I weren't so alone. I'm home for God's sake. I'm suppose to be at peace here and yet I'm not. Sometimes I wish I could be normal. If I can't even help this, I don't know what else I can do.

Over something so trivial you guys want to blow things out of proportion. Talk about being over sensitive. But then again, maybe I'm the one who's being over sensitive. Can't you just be happy? For my sake at least? What's the point in living in a world where people just can't be happy that they aren't alone.

I really do hope one day you can see what all this is doing. I really wish that one day you can figure out that your squabbles are ripping the hopes of others to shreds.

I've not been blogging much. Yes. Busy. Tired. Same old deal. Only... Different.

You know, I really don't get it. How is it that I keep landing myself in odd and compromising positions? I don't ask for it. Heck, I try my best to avoid it. And just when I think that everything is going to be alright, It blows up. I don't need this right now. All I can say is, for the most part of the night I had fun. It was just the morning that fucked everything up.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being honest with me. I trust and love you very much. I would give anything in the world for your happiness. And when I say anything, I really mean anything. Be save my love. By His will. And as blasphemous as it is, I will go out of my way. I will do everything and anything to keep you safe. That is the extent of my love.

see? I told you Italy was gonna win! I told you I told you I told you! :P

Ok I'll stop now. Time to go back to sleep!

So this is what it's going to be like huh. This is what I've apparently brought upon myself. To be in a position where I don't feel like I really belong anywhere? To be where I belong and yet feel completely out of place. To be with those I care about and yet feel completely alone.

Why is it that I can only talk about certain things when it's just us? Why is it that the conversation keeps slanted in one direction? Why is it that for some reason I suddenly feel so ridiculously out of place? Why do I suddenly really feel like I've become someone that I'm not?

Where are you people? What are you looking at? Do you really see? Or are you just blinded? Do you even care?

How is it that just so few words and turn my entire mood around? How is it that from being totally ecstatic I suddenly feel so... I can't think of the word. It's not quite sad or depressed, it's not angry either. Ah. Empty. Yes. How is it that I suddenly feel so empty? So devoid of well... everything? I don't understand. I'm home. I'm not supposed to feel this way.