Full stop. End of story.

Does being nice to someone automatically mean that I have feelings for them? Does caring mean I want to be with them? Is it true that if you know someone has been hospitalised, your constant visits mean that you DEFINITELY want to some day have them love you?

In a world where the truth is rarely spoken but is embedded in actions, has being nice to people become the equivalent to wanting to go out and have children with them?

I think not.

Anyways, that was just totally random. Pay as little attention to it as possible. My real point is, people are childish. I have no patience to deal with them. People are self centred. I have no time for them. I cannot find it in myself to be nice to anybody who cannot believe that the world does NOT revolve around them. Full stop. End of story.

I couldn't sleep. I don't think there's anything wrong. I mean, I love sleeping. I do.

Don't I?

Ok. Needless to say I'm not in any right state of mind. Not to say that there is one in the first place. It just hit me, is it impossible to stick to a monogamous relationship? Is it that difficult? I mean... What the fuck right?

I'm watching Sex and the City Season 3. Yes, I got my hands on the DVDs. I love them by the way. But they always make me wonder what the fuck is going on! WHY go back to an ex when you're perfectly happy. WHY?! It's an emotional nuclear war waiting to happen. For fuck's sake, you broke up with the person for a reason right?! RIGHT?!?

And yet despite the logic I'm trying so desperately to inject into this entry, I fail to see the point myself.

It's just like what I was telling Saf a couple of hours ago. My life has turned into something worse than a soap opera. It's become an overly draggy EPIC with not plot. Somebody PLEASE shoot me. I keep having to deal with realities that I really wish didn't exist. For example, I keep getting reminded that in, oh, 7 DAYS I won't be a teenager anymore. Where the hell did all that go?! Argh!!! I'm turning 20!!! Everybody I know is pestering me about what I'm going to do for my birthday like they're expecting me to throw a huge ass party and invite movie stars or God or someone of vast importance.

Let's just get this straight once and for all.
1. I DON'T KNOW what I want to do for my birthday.
2. Even if I did, I'm probably going to be too broke to do anything.
3. Why don't you people come up with suggestions or something.
4. Should I just elect someone to call everyone else and make plans on my behalf? That way I don't have to worry about a damned thing and just show up?!

Ok. All of them are just WAY too farfetched and ridiculously out of my reach at this point in time. So here's the thing, if you want to club then let's go club. Let's club at Zouk or chill at Sound Bar. I don't mind watching a movie as long as it's nothing like The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy which I only watched for half an hour because it just got plain revolting. Coffee is good. Cigarettes... Well I desperately want to quit at this point.

And if you didn't get the point, refer to number one on my list. I really don't know. I really really REALLY don't know. In fact, up until last week I couldn't give my mother an answer as to what I wanted for my birthday. At the moment I think I'd settle for a cheapo charm bracelet (preferably without charms.) (ok fine, one or two are alright but I have stuff to clip on to it so yea. moving on...) that hopefully won't rust considering I hate taking off my jewellery every time I need to take a shower or wash my hands.

Just don't mind me. It's almost 6am, I'm tired, cranky and totally unable to fall asleep.

But here's the part where I'll be nice. WELCOME HOME CELIA!!! And Gill, if you're back, WELCOME HOME!!! Oh oh, Prasad, Durg, CALL ME. I don't have your numbers. I'm still using the same old one ya?

JADA COME HOME! MADZ COME HOME!! w00t!!!

Kuss Kuss
MeL

(I think that one day I'm going to stop breathing due to over panicking and hyper ventilation)

I'm sorry

Sometimes crying is the best option when you're trying to be the best you can be. Sometimes living for the benefit of others is a lot more fulfulling than anything in the world. Sometimes when I say I want to quit I really mean it. Sometimes the craving get so intense that I can't contain it.

But more often than not, I'm the liar that I never wanted to be. I am my own worst enemy. And the one things that I've been lying about is this: I'm not ok. Things are NOT ok. Things never have been ok. And as much as I condemn others for it, I live a life of denial and I cannot handle it anymore. I want to run. I want so badly to get away.

Oh and if someone can tell me how to stop the tears from flowing, let me know. I can't seem to stop them.

I find that I have come to love myself. I love the way I find loop holes. I like things that are real. And being able to live my life the way I want to is the best feeling on earth.

But. Strangely, I find that the happier my influences in terms of fictional media, the more depressed I get. And the more depressed, the happier I get. Weird.

there's always light in the darkness and darkness in the light

I can't say that today has been a bad day. In fact it was pretty good. Every thing that happened had to happen. I'm happy I went to the dentist. Particularly the one in Toa Payoh. At least he was a pretentious prick that I wanted to slap. In fact, the experience was relatively entertaining. My only complaint goes to the stupid needles and the fact that it won't stop bleeding. But the numbing pain is comforting. Let's me know that I'm alive. It reminds me of how fragile people really are.

Perhaps this was why I felt like I lost a part of myself. I'm afraid of the silliest of things aren't I. I must be all that I can be. I won't be able to live with myself otherwise. And... Perhaps things will unfold in a good way. Even though it doesn't seem good at first, good things always happen in the end.

want to know what it's like to die?

I know I haven't blogged or said very much in quite awhile. But these past couple of days have been really depressing. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to have to go through it. And I don't deserve to go through it. We're different people. And no matter how much I care, it doesn't change the fact that I screwed up. I blame myself. He was with ME when it happened. And I let him. Of course I didn't realise that he was going to screw me over. I wanted so much to believe what he said to me. I wanted so much to believe that everything would finally be ok again. And we can all get on with our lives. BUT NO!

It was all a lie. One big fat lie. he doesn't care for his family, his friends or anybody he claims to. I kicked myself for doubting him before. And trust me something will happen to make me want to kick myself again but how can I have faith in someone who doesn't inspire the smallest amount of hope. I would give EVERYTHING to keep everything from falling apart.

Despite everything that I want, I think even that is beyond me or what I can do.

These Things

These things, these things that come and go
They swallow the spirit, that soul you think you know
These people, the ones that seem to delve
Deeply into the crevices you never knew were there

Loved for those sacred moments,
Held sweetly, fingertips stroking softly
In glass ball of burning fire, blazing, raging flame
Sheltered, my shattered-ness
In the arms of that one yet again,

It mends
Let me heal you…. Shelter you
From the harshness in the midst of that gentle wind
That sings and cries, that sees all and hears everything

Caress, tenderly stroke the heart, kiss, breathe sweetly in
The sacred equity of it,
Breathe again, the crisp sense of emotion
They look straight into you… Delving quietly
They give you rolling, pulsating feelings
Of being placated, satiated, satisfied
And repulsed at nature’s ways
They leave you reminiscent and yearning
Angry, and pushing and dancing astray,
Craving.

As for me,
I wish I were the wind, seeing all, singing softly
Caressing,
Following wherever they may go,
Wherever you may go
In this life, or some other, where pain ceases to exist…
What does it matter?

I wish I were a star, burning flame, raging fire
Self-sustaining and sustained by everything
In a glass ball where memories end and thoughts begin
Where sacred moments take root
Pleasant thoughts sear and scar within temptation
Pleasant thoughts of you

Where a moment of un-shattered-ness
Could last forever
And fresh ideas would be a thing of the past
Innocence, haunt me never.

These Things by MeL

I chanced upon it while cleaning up my hard drive. I didn't recognise the work to be my own until the work "un-shattered-ness". That's my style. Heh.

Just was wondering to myself, why is it that no matter what I do I keep losing? There must be something severely wrong with me. It's either I'm not pretty enough or the fact that my lack of innocence scares people away. Hmmm...

MeL fails?!? I THINK NOT

What do you want me to say? That I didn't write it? OF COURSE I WROTE THE PAPER! Has the level of english gone up? Is that it? Does it look TOO DAMNED GOOD for an Asian chick who apparently needs help with english? I don't know what you're playing at but I am not going to let you fail me because YOU think I cheated especially when I did not. You have no proof that I did because there is none. ARGH!!!

PS: Jades, msg me when u see this ya?

songs of my past seep into my present moulding my future

I just got home from the Harry Potter Gala Premier at Cineleisure. Needless to say I'm totally exhausted. Thanks for giving me tickets!!! And Nooch was goood... I love Peaches!! :D

On the movie, I was disappointed. And YES the Matrix is better. But still, I am pretty content. I am still at a complete lost as to what I want for Christmas or my Birthday even. I'm considering getting the new iPod. The 30 gig one. I'm not even going to attempt to push for the 60 even though I would very much like to have it hehe...

Should I get that? Or a new PS2 considering mine's dead... Or perhaps the PSP. I hear that Square Enix is soon to release another of the Final Fantasy subsidiaries for that platform. It would be nice to watch movies on the PSP as compared to the iPod. But all the same, I'll have oodles more space so that shouldn't be too much of a problem right?

I feel my grip slipping. I feel the imminent fall that I cannot avoid. This time I don't seem to care anymore. I don't think I want to care. I think I'm pretty much beyond caring. Even about myself. The more I think about it the more I get the feeling that i care about someone else more than i could ever care for myself. I don't have to worry anymore do I? Every thing's going to be all right. Things will work out. Things like these happen for very good reasons. I just have to figure out what they are and how to work towards them. So. Now is not the time for regretting. In fact, there never will be a time for regretting. I am answerable only to myself. And nobody can take that away from me. If I was not meant to do the things that I do, something would have happened to drive me away from them by now. But, the more I believe, the better things get. So the road ahead of me is pretty clear isn't it?

I don't care about anyone else right now. I don't care about people anymore. I just care for a select few, to whom should anything happen, would inevitably kill me.

To the people who have my love, you will never lose it. To those who have the hate of my past, you are long forgotten. I have no more time for the likes of you.

Botanics

Key things to note in deciding whether or not I've gone crazy. When I get obsessed with wanting to find this ONE PARTICULAR cleansing brand, Botanics, a subsidiary of Boots.

I love it to bits! It's good on my skin not to mention smells divine. I've heard that it's available at Watson's. Apparently. I've got to go check tomorrow. Yes, I am obsessed.

I really should be more concerned with figuring out what to get people for their upcoming birthday's not to mention Christmas. Even more importantly, I don't know what I want for my own birthday. I've completely forgotten that it's in a little over 3 weeks. Amazing eh? Madz will be back in a couple of days time. And Jades in a month. I can't wait!!!

I have had it with helping people that ultimately do NOTHING but irritate the living hell out of me. GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU! FAMILY OR NOT FAMILY. I will be as childish as I want and you can't say anything about it!!!!

drugs and such

That's it. It has gone way too far. Have no idea what I'm talking about? Well, it's about the whole death penalty issued to Van, this Vietnamese - Australian guy who was caught for drug trafficking.

There are a lot of people out there who are very much against the death penalty. I used to be one of them. But are we honestly going to let this guy go even though he brought Heroin in? Sorry, but I don't think so. Those of you who have had close brushes with drugs or druggies or the likes know better than the rest who have never had any such experience. Of course we can't blame the guy for Singaporeans or anyone who take drugs but that's besides the point. He knowingly brought it in. I'm pretty sure he is aware of the consequences of bringing drugs into ANY country.

His family and friends have my sympathies but letting him go is threatening the laws that keep this country safe. I'm not one to be nationalistic but there are some things that I won't stand for.

I don't understand why there are so many who are against this 'punishment'. Yes, we aren't God and we have no real right to say when someone is going to be killed. I saw on the news in Australia a while back that the Australian government is also petitioning for him to be returned to Australia. Let's just put it this way, if the tables were turned, would they do the same to whoever it is who brings drugs into Australia? This is Australia we're talking about. A country who's airport is so strict that many things are under their quarantine list to the point that even commercially bottled food or sauces have to be declared. What are they going to do? Ask people to declare illegal drugs and let them in? I don't think so.

So the next time any of you ask or get upset with me for thinking the way I do, try and understand where I'm coming from. Because unlike the lot of you, I happen to know what it's like watching someone succumb to smack let alone any other kinds of drugs.

Why won't you call

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was at Aunty Francina's. It was Christmas or something. And she lived in this semi-detached landed property. Of all things, the upper level had this bar like place where my friends were. 2 people that I didn't recognise but I knew were my friends. Kenny was there, Luke was there, Miguel was there and so was Deidre. Then out of no where, Rick and Audrey made an appearance. Rick was wearing some kind of cap that had an uncanny resemblance to my RipCurl one. They turned and smiled at us.

The strangest thing was, Deidre, her friends and I had to change into sleeping clothes. Than I woke up. How weird was that?? I find myself very confused.

Well, I've been back for 1 day and 2 nights. This being my second day. And I still feel very disoriented. I'm not sure what's going on or what to expect at the moment. I haven't called so many people. And I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I want to. Things are just so damned complicated. I don't know what to do.