want to know what it's like to die?

I know I haven't blogged or said very much in quite awhile. But these past couple of days have been really depressing. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to have to go through it. And I don't deserve to go through it. We're different people. And no matter how much I care, it doesn't change the fact that I screwed up. I blame myself. He was with ME when it happened. And I let him. Of course I didn't realise that he was going to screw me over. I wanted so much to believe what he said to me. I wanted so much to believe that everything would finally be ok again. And we can all get on with our lives. BUT NO!

It was all a lie. One big fat lie. he doesn't care for his family, his friends or anybody he claims to. I kicked myself for doubting him before. And trust me something will happen to make me want to kick myself again but how can I have faith in someone who doesn't inspire the smallest amount of hope. I would give EVERYTHING to keep everything from falling apart.

Despite everything that I want, I think even that is beyond me or what I can do.