hur...

I give up. I fucking give up. It’s impossible for me to be happy isn’t it? I’m just trying to bask in the honeymoon period here and yet there are so many oppositions that it’s not funny. Seriously, you people are all so afraid of me getting hurt right? Don’t you see that YOU are hurting me? You people talk about how you’ll go after the people who hurt me. Don’t tell me you can go after yourselves. It is because of the 2 of you that I am this upset now ok? I know you care. I love you guys too. But for once in your lives, try and think of what might be going on in my mind every time you accuse me of being immoral or stupid. How would you feel if someone told you that? You aren’t perfect. None of us are.

I’ve become so tired of the entire concept of love. Do you have any idea how tiring it is to fall in love and then keep it up? Not to mention get rid of obstacles and try to support each other? Why do we have to fight. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m scared enough as it is not to mention completely exhausted what with the Jed thing. And now… I have this. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy and I do care about you a lot. You know I do. I want this to work. The feeling of being in love is exhilarating. What drains me is the fact that I keep having to fight every Tom, Dick and Mary. Heh

Hairspray

I was your mine, you were mine
I didn't mean you were, mine I was your [3X]
You're in a
you rang
yours rang

I was your mine, you were mine
I didn't mean you were, mine I was your [3X]
Your in a

At night, wishful gardens
At night, where the heart is
At night, disco gardens
At night, we'll be ga.......

I was your mine, you were mine
I didn't mean you were, mine I was your [3X]
Your in a
Wishful gardens, at night
Where the heart is, at night
Wishful gardens, at night
Wishful gardens

I was your mine, you were mine
I didn't mean you were, mine I was your [3X]
Your in a
Your rang
Your's rang
at night wishful gardens
at night, where the heart is
at night you were so modest
at night, crisco lockers
at night, the mount for homely
it's like, fistful garbage
at night, the whiz go ga....

To think this is sposed to be about US! Hahahahahahahahahaha! I'm on a massive high atm so excuse me for being idiosyncratic. Who the fuck really gives a damn anymore eh? Wake up and smell the bloody coffee man... It's dripping in lies, hate and complete falsity. I don't care what people think at this point.

I was nearly hit by another backdoor trojan today. I was amused to see the IP address. It was a familiar number. Amusing isn't it? Probably isn't who I think it is though. Cheesehead probably doesn't know how to send a trojan out let alone engineer one. Another song plays... Glycerine. Hah! The first time I heard this song was with you wasn't it. (This you is separate from the previous paragraphs' you.) Anyways, you really are colourblind. Yea, I'm strangely spiteful aren't I. Waste of my God damned time if you ask me but it's my time to waste. The same way you choose to waste yours. I've said it once, you won't find anyone else who's quite like us. But who wants a life time of complications? I know I don't. Which is probably the reason why I'm ecstatic with my current situation and self. Cheers to you.

PS: I know an insane amount of people who would love nothing more than to see you. Suffer that is. I wonder how it got to that.

Hello hello won't you come right in, I'd give anything just to see you again Hello Hello Won't You Come Right In, I'll Give Anything Just To See You..

God I miss you... Feels like years since I last saw you. To think that it wasn't too long ago huh... Well, there you go. I still miss you and I still think of you. I keep seeing you as I walk down the street. You and him. But hey. What can I say, the funny things emotions do to a person huh.

So all you people who 'think' you know who I speak of, here a BIG CLUE: he's tall, he's gorgeous and he's ALWAYS been there for me.

Once upon a time, when money wasn't important, where a smile was the best gift a person could give lived a girl.

The girl grew and found that her world was nothing but a lie. She gained knowledge and the scourges of teenage-hood dawned on her.

With her eyes wide open, she searches for a place to belong where one smile could save her soul.

She's only 18, and still young.

She hasn't given up. She never will. Her smile, lights her way.

She will never stop.

She won't let anything obstruct her. Those who have, have failed. Those who have not, better not.

When You Leave

Sometimes, I thik about my life
Sometimes I turn behind me and see
Your back as you leave

You’re walking in the rain
Off to some other drain
Collect you consciousness there
No way I’ll be there when you breathe

You think, I’m a stupid little girl
Your think, you can ruin my world
You think, you know everything about me
You think, well you thought wrong

Your walking in the storm
Off to some other grass land
Better pastures, better fares
Come back? I’ll be gone when you breathe

Starlight showers down on me
Giving me strength to move on
Heaven and earth will sing my song
I won’t be here, I’ll be gone

I know, there are better things to do
I know, you aren’t the only one who leaves
And I know, you think I’ll be waiting
I know, I’ll be gone

I’m walking from the flood
Back to my hometown
Where I’ve always belonged
Even if you find me, I won’t be there
I won’t be here when you breathe

When You Breathe, by MeL for Jed

I couldn’t write you an entire album couldn’t I. Well, I’ve got time on my side don’t I? How’s holidaying by the way, hope you have the time of your life? Good luck to you wherever you are. Coz I sure as hell am having the time of mine.

Guys, you can stay over at my place anytime! I promise I won’t be violent! Scouts honour!! ;)

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Luke Audio pronunciation of "luke" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (lk)
n. Abbr. Lk

See table at Bible.


Luke, Saint. First century A.D.

Companion of Saint Paul and author of the third Gospel of the New Testament. He is considered the patron saint of painters and physicians.

luke

the evangelist, was a Gentile. The date and circumstances of his conversion are
unknown. According to his own statement (Luke 1:2), he was not an "eye-witness
and minister of the word from the beginning." It is probable that he was a
physician in Troas, and was there converted by Paul, to whom he attached
himself. He accompanied him to Philippi, but did not there share his
imprisonment, nor did he accompany him further after his release in his
missionary journey at this time (Acts 17:1). On Paul's third visit to Philippi
(20:5, 6) we again meet with Luke, who probably had spent all the intervening
time in that city, a period of seven or eight years. From this time Luke was
Paul's constant companion during his journey to Jerusalem (20:6-21:18). He
again disappears from view during Paul's imprisonment at Jerusalem and
Caesarea, and only reappears when Paul sets out for Rome (27:1), whither he
accompanies him (28:2, 12-16), and where he remains with him till the close of
his first imprisonment (Philemon 1:24; Col. 4:14). The last notice of the
"beloved physician" is in 2 Tim. 4:11. There are many passages in Paul's
epistles, as well as in the writings of Luke, which show the extent and
accuracy of his medical knowledge.


luke

Luke, luminous; white

Ken·ny Audio pronunciation of "kenny" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kn), Elizabeth. 1880?-1952.

Australian nurse who developed a simple treatment for the paralysis brought on by poliomyelitis.


rick

n 1: a painful muscle spasm especially in the neck or back (`rick' and `wrick' are British) [syn: crick, wrick] 2: a stack of hay [syn: haystack, hayrick] v 1: pile in ricks; "rick hay" 2: twist suddenly so as to sprain; "wrench one's ankle"; "The wrestler twisted his shoulder"; "the hikers sprained their ankles when they fell"; "I turned my ankle and couldn't walk for several days" [syn: twist, sprain, wrench, turn, wrick]
rick

\Rick\, n. [OE. reek, rek, AS. hre['a]c a heap; akin to hryce rick, Icel. hraukr.] A stack or pile, as of grain, straw, or hay, in the open air, usually protected from wet with thatching.

Golden clusters of beehive ricks, rising at intervals beyond the hedgerows. --G. Eliot.


melissa

\Me*lis"sa\, n. [NL., fr. Gr. me`lissa a bee, honey.] (Bot.) A genus of labiate herbs, including the balm, or bee balm (Melissa officinalis).



melissa

n : a genus of Old World mints of the family Labiatae [syn: Melissa, genus Melissa]

Irony of ironies eh? Not like everyone would've happily read through everything there. I swear my brain is completely screwed up. People please do not jump to conclusions! The new song is and the accompanying paragraph of text DO NOT refer to the same person! Sheesh! Can't a girl write a song for her friend anymore? Pffft... I'm watching Cruel Intentions now. "He told me he loved me! And I believed him! I'm so stupid!" HAHAHA!!!!! Funny! But then again it wasn't too long ago that I was walking down that road was it? Who gives a fuck anymore...

So... What's your name?

Ok, My Brain is OFFICIALLY fucked.

Written by: Lenny Kravitz

Here we are still together
We are one
So much time wasted
Playing games with love

So many tears I've cried
So much pain inside
But baby it ain't over 'til it's over
So many years we've tried
To keep our love alive
But baby it ain't over 'til it's over

How many times
Did we give up
But we always worked things out
And all my doubts and fear
Kept me wondering
If I'd always be in love

So many tears I've cried
So much pain inside
But baby it ain't over 'til it's over

So many years we've tried
And kept our love alive
'Cause baby it ain't over 'til it's over

So many tears I've cried
So much pain inside
Baby it ain't over 'til it's over

So many years we've tried
And kept our love alive
'Cause baby it ain't over 'til it's over

(Repeat)

The song I wrote before? It's for you d00de. The rest of you who want to know, ask me urselves or whatever. Anyways, the song is ok. The music, I love. But the song doesn't seem to fit the person now does it. OMG I swear I'm insane. Kill me please? Dying seems like the best option at this point.

I think... I think too much

I think I'm accidentally in love. I didn't mean for this to happen but it did. I think that I've become so cynical coz I let myself get thrown into this. God, I’d give up everything to be with you. I'm actually accepting the fact that everything was just an excuse to be with you I'm actually accepting the fact that everything was just an excuse to try and block out everything i was and am feeling. Some things never change huh.

Sure we're different. sure thing've changed over such a short period of time. and maybe things are different between us but we're friends right? I don't wanna think about what ifs anymore.

I like to watch you sleep at night
You look so calm
I like to be near you whenever
I’m happy or down

I’m so jealous of all these girls
When they’re close to you
But it’s ok coz I know inside,
You’ll always be true

You’re charming and sweet
Like a perfect guy to love
Which is cool coz you’re
My brother, I love you too

And I just wanna spend
My last days of my life knowing you and i
We’ve shared
An eternity and more
Together side by side
You were holding my hand

You know I like to watch you dream those dreams
Of your life away from here
You look so peaceful when you’re thinking
Of somebody else

You know, I’ll love you and always will
For ever and ever
It’s not enough for me to move on
Away from you

And I just wanna spend
My last days of my life knowing you and i
We’ve shared
An eternity and more
Together side by side
I was holding your hand too

And I… I’ve tried to build a life of my own
Dependent on me
But still no matter what I do
I still keep searching for you

Our lives are so different now it was a dream
Of better days
Each time I look at myself
I see you. You keep be burning

What I’d give for things to be ok
Not to go back to walk on
It’s funny no matter where I go
You are my light

And I just wanna spend
My last days of my life knowing you and i
We’ve shared
An eternity and more
Together side by side
You were holding my hand

Falling In Love... AGAIN?!

I'm so tired
Of falling in love
Finding it easier to fall out
Can't deny it
I feel it inside Cupid's fire
I can't hide

CHORUS:
I'm falling in love again
Ain't nothing I can do
Falling in love again
Girl this time it's with you
When I fall
It's always the same
And I'm so tired
Of playing this game

It's been so long now
Since I gave up my heart
I've kept it locked down
I don't wanna get it harmed
So let me tell you now
I just want to be sure
That you won't hurt me
Can you promise me that

CHORUS

You got to tell me
If you're going to break my heart
'Cos I don't wanna take the chance
And if it ain't true
All it's gonna be
Is nothing but a poor romance
So give me that promise to hold on
And I'll never let you go
We gotta have something to go on
I'm letting you know now

CHORUS

Falling in love again (REPEAT)

Irony of ironies. And I just had a dream about Jed. And now I feel so... exhilerated. So relieved. Can't help but wonder how he's doing though. Audrey's coming later. So is Rick. They're probably staying over. What nice friends I have. :)

Tarot Readings from the net

how you feel about yourself now (The Chariot)

You feel everything is a constant battle at the moment, but persevere and you will triumph in the end. Expect some good news that will help you to keep going until you achieve your goals. This is a time of movement and change and of conflicts ending in victory. You may well consider a journey that relates to work or go for that new car you’ve been looking at.

what you most want at this moment (The Devil)

The cards suggest MeL, that what you most want at this time you can’t have, like the forbidden fruit, which makes it all the more tempting. Or you could go for it but you know that it would be a bad choice and for all the wrong reasons. Yes, you want passion and gratification - just be careful where you go looking for it.

your fears (The Emperor)

You are feeling that success is just around the corner but it feels elusive, just out of reach. You are concerned that the support and help that you want from your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life won’t materialise. Trust and ask for the help you need, and success will be yours.

what is going for you (The Hierophant)

There is help at hand, just ask for it. If you are concerned about making the right decision there is someone with the right moral fibre that can help. You can receive Wise counsel and honest advice from a teacher, priest or parent, or just someone you have a lot of respect for. They are more than willing to help.

what is going against you (Death)

This is a time of anxiety, depression and fear with all the turmoil and distressing events happening in your life - it's time to show what you are made of. What has now come to an end leaves room for brand new beginnings in life, love and career. However radical events may be in your life, believe that life goes on and life is what you make of it.

outcome (The World)

Success, fulfillment and conclusion are near at hand - the successful outcome to a venture, satisfaction in a relationship and efforts rewarded. It is a culmination of events and indicates material wealth and greater spiritual awareness. You may choose to buy that dream house or a wonderfully fulfilling relationship is on offer, enjoy!





And....




how you feel about yourself now (The Hierophant)

You feel a need for advice or wise council or perhaps spiritual consolation. Someone, or perhaps immediate events, will provide moral and practical guidance. Perhaps you are considering being such a tutor, counsellor or spiritual advisor? You desire the tried and tested traditional values, so when considering your options, this approach will prove wiser than adopting an unconventional novel approach. For example, marriage is more likely to be your desire than a living together situation.

what you most want at this moment (The Tower)

The cards suggest MeL, that what you most want at this time is an easy solution to a problem. However in life, turmoil and upheaval often brings about change - just not quite as we would like it. Seize this opportunity of change as a chance for a new beginning. You may want to move home but will be experiencing setbacks.

your fears (Strength)

You are fearful of lacking the will power and strength to deal with someone or something that concerns you. Feeling negative and listening to all your fears will only cause failure and lost opportunities. Be as brave as a lion but work compassionately and you’ll be fine.

what is going for you (The Lovers)

New love and commitment will enter your life, even if there’s no one on the horizon - be prepared for a surprise. Throw caution to the wind and expect joyous and happy times ahead.

what is going against you (The Sun)

You may experience a few delays on your quest for success and achievement but don’t worry, you’ll get there in a blaze of glory. Success may go to your head a little so a little modesty wouldn’t go amiss. Other than a few minor delays, look forward to a period of joy and happiness. If you are experiencing problems with conceiving a baby, The Sun often heralds good news around children and a much wanted pregnancy or birth of a longed-for baby.

outcome (The Empress)

This is a truly creative and fertile time. Expect the best if you are considering having a child, creating a new job or business opportunity or starting a creative project. The Empress symbolizes abundance, joy and happiness, and reassurance - a firm foundation for future progress.

Hahahaha!!

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:	MaleFemale
Sexuality:	StraightGayBisexual
Flirting Skill Level - 51%
Kissing Skill Level - 40%
Cudding Skill Level - 7%
Sex Skill Level - 81%
Why They Love You	You are too sexy for words.
Why They Hate You	You can be selfish.
This fun quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 845761 Times.

New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

Let it be known that I still feel an immense amount of pain and confusion. This whole experience is beginning to feel like it was a complete lie – something that I refuse to believe because of all the happiness that I was feeling. Inside, I knew something what wrong but I brushed it away. Sure, I brushed that away and allowed the notions of doubt and despair to seep in. so on some strange level, I let him do this to me. I let him lie to me and do things with God knows who. I’ve had enough of all this deceit.

Nas, my answer to your previous question is yes. Although I’d understand if you wanted to withdraw. Let me go about my rough patch. I’ll be ok. Eventually. But for now, I just need someone to talk to.

What Is

Michelle's screen name struck something in me that just wanted to blog. It's the definition of the word Jealousy. The apprehension of the loss of one's affection. The question I'll pose to you guys is: where does the apprehension come from.

he's too stoned, he's too stonned, he's too stoned, he's too stonned

I am 70% evil.




I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com


She paints her nails and she don't know
He's got her best friend on the phone
She'll wash her hair,
His dirty clothes are all he gives to her
And he's got posters on the wall
Of all the girls he wished she was
And he means everything to her

Chorus:
Her boyfriend, he don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned, Nintendo
I wish that I could make her see
She's just the flavour of the week

It's friday night and she's all alone
He's a million miles away
She's dressed to kill
But the TV's on
He's connected to the sound
And he's got pictures on the wall
Of all the girls he's loved before
And she knows all his favourite songs

Repeat Chorus

Yeah

Her boyfriend, he don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned, he's too stoned
He's too stoned, he's too stoned

Repeat Chorus

Yeah she's the flavour of the week
But she makes me weak

Flavor of the Week, American Hi-Fi

champagne supernova

"Show me the way to home.
Cos I'm tired and i wanna go to bed.
I had a little drink bout an hour ago,
and its gone right to my head!
Now wherever i may roam,
over land or sea or foam,
you can always find me singing my song,
Show me the way to go home!"

A little drinking song I picked up from James when I was at Luke's Saturday evening. Which reminds me, I SENT OUT MY FIRST UNI APPLICATION!! :D w00t!

Yesterday was pretty cool too. Was at Alicia's place happily enjoying myself haha. Amazing what close friends you can make in such a short period of time huh! God, now I know what I've been missing out on! I'd say I need a wider circle of friends. Wouldn't you?

I'm strangely ecstatic at this point. Call me crazy eh? Make no mistake that I still care about you. The bottom line is, I don't know you anymore. Probably never have? But yea, I'm ok now. Thank you guys. All of you. It really helped. I love you man.

has not one told you she's not breathing

i don't wanna change inside of me in respect
to prefect the life as we both grow cold (both grow cold)
its the very first time, that i can see to believe in me if i told you so
(if i told you so)

Now you now know how sorry feels
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry Feels)

Now you now know how sorry feels
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry,Sorry)

little bit of space you said you needed
you cheated, repeated, conceitedness this
(everything you wannna take you take) (conceitedness)
so you make a big mistake,
fake and i wont take it back your to much messed (your to much messed)

Now you now know how sorry feels
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry Feels)

Now you now know how sorry feels
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry,Sorry)

(now you know)everything you confide to one to (no no) (now you know)
evrything thats mine you want to (no no) (now you know)
everything thats inside you think its (no no) (now you know)
having to much fun and you wont

Now you now know how sorry feels
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry Feels)

Now you now know how sorry feels
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry,Sorry)


Now you now know how sorry feels
(i don't wanna change inside me of
in respect to prefect the life as we both grow cold)
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry,Feels)

(its the very first time, that i can see to belive in me if i told you so)
Now you now know how sorry feels
Now you now know how sorry feels (Sorry)

now you know
now you know
now you know

sorry, dry cell

hmm

fuck off man.
you oughta know by now. have fun doing whatever the fuck it is you're doing because I've never been more amused. awww... kill joy

Don't Think Of Me

I don't understand why you needed to lie to me. Of all things you had to do. This is FUCKING ridiculous. You obviously don't even care do you? You don't care that I do and you probably don't even give a fuck about us. I'm sorry I was too bloody ignorant to see it. If this isn't clue enough then I don't know what is. Why couldn't you just fucking come out and say it huh? Why fuck, why! Is this some big joke to you? Fuck this shit. God know why I still care so much about you and this whole situation. I feel like a blooming idiot. I read the emails already ok? I KNOW. So quit lying to me already. I don't care if you read this. I don't care if you think I've violated your privacy because you totally religquished that the minute you gave me your password. I broke nothing. Not even trust because clearly, there was none to begin with. If you think that you feel the need to defend yourself or whatever, hit the gmail account. I have a massive bone to pick with you Jed. And I'd hate for it to be in a public blog for the world to see. Or better yet, for you and whoever the fuck it is you're seeing. I don't know what you think you're trying to prove because all you've shown me is what a huge asshole you are. And as far as I'm concerned, I want my tarot deck back.

So you're with her, and not with me, I hope she's sweet, and so pretty
I hear she cooks delightfully, a little angel beside you
So you're with her, and not with me, oh how lucky one man can be
I hear your house is small and clean, oh how lovely with your home coming queen
Oh how lovely it must be

When you see her sweet smile baby, don't think of me
When she lays in your warm arms, don't think of me

So you're with her, and not with me, I know she spreads sweet honey
In fact your best friend, I heard he spent last night with her
Now how do you feel
Now how do you feel

When you see her sweet smile baby, don't think of me
When she lays in your warm arms, don't think of me
And it's too late and it's too bad, don't think of me
Oh it's too late and it's too bad, don't think of me

Does it bother you now all the mess I made
Does it bother you now the clothes you told me not to wear
Does it bother you now all the angry games we played
Does it bother you now when I'm not there

When you see her sweet smile baby, don't think of me
When she lays in your warm arms, don't think of me
And It's too late and it's too bad, don't think of me
Oh it's too late, oh it's too bad, don't think of me

Don't Think Of Me, Dido

Choices

how you feel about yourself now (Temperance)

You feel a need for harmony and balance in your life and indeed are starting to feel that some peace has already been restored. If you have been through some tough times, such as a break up of a relationship or financial problems, peace will be restored. However if you are still experiencing problems, this is a time for calm, careful control and patience and you will soon have a sense of normality again.

what you most want at this moment (The Devil)

The cards suggest MeL, that what you most want at this time you can’t have, like the forbidden fruit, which makes it all the more tempting. Or you could go for it but you know that it would be a bad choice and for all the wrong reasons. Yes, you want passion and gratification - just be careful where you go looking for it.

your fears (The Empress)

You are feeling insecure, perhaps have money worries, as a parent you may have concerns over your children, or perhaps it's an unplanned pregnancy. There are people around you who love and care for you and they will give you support. Try not to be over protective and do not resort to emotional blackmail, it won’t do you any favours.

what is going for you (Judgement)

Brand new potential, an opportunity which once given must not be ignored, a new project, decision or relationship that could affect the rest of your life. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

what is going against you (The Lovers)

Are you suffering in silence in an unhappy relationship or feeling very lonely? Do you have the courage to make the decision you really know you should make? You have a great sense of duty but are you happy? A difficult decision has to be made - have courage and you will achieve emotional happiness.

outcome (The Fool)

Open your mind and soul to new possibilities this is a time to realise your full potential, follow your instincts and act on your hunches. A time for spontaneity, fun and surprises. However, be mindful of being too impulsive - your decisions should be based on experience and knowledge of self.

Tension

The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Two of Swords (Peace), when reversed: Indecision due to contradictory characteristics brought together. Tension in the aftermath of a quarrel that has been resolved. Scheming, abuse of trust, and agreements made in bad faith. Allowing the mind to block off the emotions. Self deception as a means of justifying cruel acts.

The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. Wheel of Fortune, when reversed: An unexpected turn of bad luck. A broken sequence of events. Outside influences for the worse. An inescapable descent due to Fate or Karma. Great changes taking place as a result of earlier actions that cannot be taken back. Misfortune, failure and reluctance to use free will.

The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.

The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based. Four of Wands (Completion), when reversed: Squandering a great and hard won victory through decadence and laziness. Failing to reward those truly responsible for an achievement. Using past accomplishments as an excuse to ignore current problems. Abandoning the very qualities that brought about initial success.

The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. The High Priestess, when reversed: Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.

The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. The Hermit: Withdrawal from events and relationship to introspect and gather strength. Seeking the inner voice or calling upon vision from within. A need of understanding and advice, or a wise man who will offer knowing guidance. Personal experience and thoughtful temperance.

The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. Eight of Wands (Swiftness), when reversed: Too much force applied too suddenly. A flash in the pan. A foolhardy and untimely plunge into the unknown. Impatience leading to poor decisions in love, business, travel, or spiritual growth.

The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with. Eight of Cups (Indolence), when reversed: The realization that a matter thought to be important was actually of little consequence. Moving on from something in which you had invested great love and devotion. The start of an inner journey to find higher aspects of life. Reflection on what is truly fulfilling in life.

The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. Six of Swords (Science): Trusting in intelligence and intuition and setting off into the unknown. Leaving an untenable situation and charting a new course. Passage from difficulty and progress towards a solution. The road to recovery. Travel and exploration.

The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. King of Swords, when reversed: The dark essence of air, such as a gray sky: A mature leader of unyielding ethics and absolute authority. An incorruptible judge, whose devotion to the letter of the law cannot be swayed by emotion, mercy, or exigent circumstances. Perfect clarity of thought, excessive use of force, and mastery of language as a tool for deception. One who, like a great tyrant, inspires not love or devotion, but fear, respect, and obedience.

distrust

God, I hate this. I miss you so much it hurts. Distance is really playing at my fears and not to mention doubt. I'm sorry I can't be more trusting. It's just the way it is. I want to trust you don't get me wrong. I read your email Jed. I saw it. I know already. All I can say is I'm disappointed. And yet, I still love you. I don't understand why you just couldn't tell me. You'd be surprised with the amount of patience I have. I'm watching and waiting. I can't wait to hear your voice again. My regards to your friend. I still care about you a lot. And to the fuck wit who finds it amusing to tell me things that it thinks I don't know, fuck off will ya? Maybe we should talk. Then you'll see what's happening. Why you keep defending and running to the troll is beyond me.

sublime

A pain sears through my mind, body and soul. I'm aching
Longing for you to be near
The thought of you leaves me weak
My mind disintegrates

The effect on me is so surreal
Your smile makes life so sublime
That's just a taste of how I feel
I want this dream of you to be real

Saying goodbye is never easy
what more for me to feel it
Trustinf hidden faces is just like lying
To myself and you

The effect on me is so surreal
Your smile makes life so sublime
That's just a taste of how I feel
I want this dream of you to be real

Everydoor that closes opens another
My foot's still in this door
I see eternity in a grain of sand
I hold forever in my hands

The effect on me is so surreal
Your smile makes life so sublime
That's just a taste of how I feel
I want this dream of you to be real

- Mel, for Jed.

I wrote this today while waiting for Luke. Barely 10 minutes and the words just came churning out of my head. I miss you, I love you. I feel so abandoned at this point. Incredibly lost.

Be safe my love. And don't forget to check the gmail account!

White Underwear and Skin Tight Thoughts

I just watched High Fidelity again. It’s an amazing film that I recommend every lost person to go watch. And then again, everyone is lost on some level. I’m in an amazingly good mood. Because I realise that I’m incredibly happy with my life and myself despite the fact that I have a tonne of things to do by tomorrow and the end of this week.

I think that people choose to be happy. That it’s not something that other people cause. Ok, fine, other people can cause joy and happiness but that’s besides the point. Because I really believe that a person is happy when they choose to be in their own little quirky, idiosyncratic way. And now that I’ve found that, I refuse to let anyone taint that feeling. It’s exhilarating to know that things are going well and that things are working out. It’s also amusing to realise that you are the cause of your own sadness and depression.

I’ll admit that it was my own doing. My depression I mean. I was beginning to wonder if I did that to myself. Not so much doing something, more like psyching myself into being upset over the smallest of things and not trusting myself. I am responsible for being the way that I am. No one else can take over that. No one should feel that they caused someone else’s sadness. Sure, at one point or another, someone comes along and does or says something that pisses you off. But think about it, you get upset because you let yourself. You allow someone to come in and destroy your happiness. I keep talking about Rose Walker and her notion of love and how she hates it. Rose allows people in and in turn allows people to hurt her and more so just plain lets it get to her. Of course people can do things to hurt you. But just take one step back and look at the big picture. That one shred of emotion or thought pattern may cause worlds of pain only if you let it.

There are so many things in this life worth living for – Love, friends, succession etc. But no matter how much you’ve been hurt or depressed, there is always something out there to look forward to. Take me for example, I let things that people say about me and Jed or me and Rick or me and Luke or Kenny or anyone for that matter get to me. Note I let them get to me. It makes me think about my life and why I do the things I do. Only to think “Damn, my life sucks”. Well, I’d like to dispel all that. My life doesn’t suck. I just get into a bad mood in which I think that everything is stupid and life just plain isn’t worth living for. But how many people can gladly say that they’ve got people looking out for them? At times I think that people generally give two hoots about looking out for me. Sure it stings to hear me say that. (You know who you are.) But they do don’t they. Even if it’s just for a little while that they take interest in your life, they go back to their own problems and you’re at the back of their minds and they run around being all upset about themselves or happy about themselves for that matter.

I say, fuck that shit because you are happy. You just don’t see it yet. I’ve come to a point where I want to learn to stop caring about what other people think about my personal life and me in general. It is my personal life isn’t it? It’s all about me. The world is full of self centred, maniacal hypocrites. Heck, I’m one of them and I don’t deny it. Not anymore at least. Again, even if they start talking about you behind your back, in the long run, they are making comparisons about you to themselves. And eventually, they go back to their own lives and you’re not important anymore. So what if people think you’re a whore or a bitch or a devil. I am bloody proud of who I am – Who I am here not in reference to the fact that I’m Chinese or Catholic, but more to the person behind the materialism.

I love you and I’m not afraid of saying it. I’m afraid of losing it. Why? Because I allow myself to feel fear. The same way I allow myself to be awake at this hour of morning to reflect on the day and put it on a public domain. I love… well apart from my family, I love the guys. All 5 of you – 2 more than the other 3 and of the 3, 1 more than the other 2. And of the 2, it’s hard to say that I love one more than the other. I love you both indefinitely and unconditionally. But the love here is slightly different.

Dictionary.com defines love as
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

See the difference yet? I believe in love now more than ever. I believe in the love of friends above all. I believe in offering support and listening as and where required. I appreciate not judging. I am a judgmental person who has an opinion on almost everything. (The operation term here being almost.) Most importantly, I accept. I accept the way people are, I accept the way I am. And that, has shown me bliss.

Oh before I forget, have fun holidying in Canada Saf :) Pity we don't hang out much anymore eh? Maybe see you Christmas or something. Then I can introduce you to Jed haha!

Right.


Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life
In this world
Divided by fear
We've got to believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here...

Oh, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

See the truth, all around
Our faith can be broken
Our hands can be bound
But open our hearts
And fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?...

No, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong to speak our minds
I've got to let out what's inside...

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, can we get it right?...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives...


You only live once. Let’s make the most of it and love and be loved with you’re entire being. I have no more grudge with you. I care about you on some strange level whether you give a damn about me or not. I wish you well. And I’d like for us to be friends one day.

Cue "I Want My Life" by Smile Empty Soul
You have an amazing taste in music Jed.

And as for you, yes you, I wish you well. You're special. Someone told me once, "You're a bright spark." Well, right back at ya. :)