White Underwear and Skin Tight Thoughts

I just watched High Fidelity again. It’s an amazing film that I recommend every lost person to go watch. And then again, everyone is lost on some level. I’m in an amazingly good mood. Because I realise that I’m incredibly happy with my life and myself despite the fact that I have a tonne of things to do by tomorrow and the end of this week.

I think that people choose to be happy. That it’s not something that other people cause. Ok, fine, other people can cause joy and happiness but that’s besides the point. Because I really believe that a person is happy when they choose to be in their own little quirky, idiosyncratic way. And now that I’ve found that, I refuse to let anyone taint that feeling. It’s exhilarating to know that things are going well and that things are working out. It’s also amusing to realise that you are the cause of your own sadness and depression.

I’ll admit that it was my own doing. My depression I mean. I was beginning to wonder if I did that to myself. Not so much doing something, more like psyching myself into being upset over the smallest of things and not trusting myself. I am responsible for being the way that I am. No one else can take over that. No one should feel that they caused someone else’s sadness. Sure, at one point or another, someone comes along and does or says something that pisses you off. But think about it, you get upset because you let yourself. You allow someone to come in and destroy your happiness. I keep talking about Rose Walker and her notion of love and how she hates it. Rose allows people in and in turn allows people to hurt her and more so just plain lets it get to her. Of course people can do things to hurt you. But just take one step back and look at the big picture. That one shred of emotion or thought pattern may cause worlds of pain only if you let it.

There are so many things in this life worth living for – Love, friends, succession etc. But no matter how much you’ve been hurt or depressed, there is always something out there to look forward to. Take me for example, I let things that people say about me and Jed or me and Rick or me and Luke or Kenny or anyone for that matter get to me. Note I let them get to me. It makes me think about my life and why I do the things I do. Only to think “Damn, my life sucks”. Well, I’d like to dispel all that. My life doesn’t suck. I just get into a bad mood in which I think that everything is stupid and life just plain isn’t worth living for. But how many people can gladly say that they’ve got people looking out for them? At times I think that people generally give two hoots about looking out for me. Sure it stings to hear me say that. (You know who you are.) But they do don’t they. Even if it’s just for a little while that they take interest in your life, they go back to their own problems and you’re at the back of their minds and they run around being all upset about themselves or happy about themselves for that matter.

I say, fuck that shit because you are happy. You just don’t see it yet. I’ve come to a point where I want to learn to stop caring about what other people think about my personal life and me in general. It is my personal life isn’t it? It’s all about me. The world is full of self centred, maniacal hypocrites. Heck, I’m one of them and I don’t deny it. Not anymore at least. Again, even if they start talking about you behind your back, in the long run, they are making comparisons about you to themselves. And eventually, they go back to their own lives and you’re not important anymore. So what if people think you’re a whore or a bitch or a devil. I am bloody proud of who I am – Who I am here not in reference to the fact that I’m Chinese or Catholic, but more to the person behind the materialism.

I love you and I’m not afraid of saying it. I’m afraid of losing it. Why? Because I allow myself to feel fear. The same way I allow myself to be awake at this hour of morning to reflect on the day and put it on a public domain. I love… well apart from my family, I love the guys. All 5 of you – 2 more than the other 3 and of the 3, 1 more than the other 2. And of the 2, it’s hard to say that I love one more than the other. I love you both indefinitely and unconditionally. But the love here is slightly different.

Dictionary.com defines love as
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

See the difference yet? I believe in love now more than ever. I believe in the love of friends above all. I believe in offering support and listening as and where required. I appreciate not judging. I am a judgmental person who has an opinion on almost everything. (The operation term here being almost.) Most importantly, I accept. I accept the way people are, I accept the way I am. And that, has shown me bliss.

Oh before I forget, have fun holidying in Canada Saf :) Pity we don't hang out much anymore eh? Maybe see you Christmas or something. Then I can introduce you to Jed haha!

Right.


Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life
In this world
Divided by fear
We've got to believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here...

Oh, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

See the truth, all around
Our faith can be broken
Our hands can be bound
But open our hearts
And fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?...

No, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong to speak our minds
I've got to let out what's inside...

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, can we get it right?...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives...


You only live once. Let’s make the most of it and love and be loved with you’re entire being. I have no more grudge with you. I care about you on some strange level whether you give a damn about me or not. I wish you well. And I’d like for us to be friends one day.

Cue "I Want My Life" by Smile Empty Soul
You have an amazing taste in music Jed.

And as for you, yes you, I wish you well. You're special. Someone told me once, "You're a bright spark." Well, right back at ya. :)