boredom has strange effects

I think I might be influenced by the song. Or perhaps, it really is just how I feel. I don't have a right to be upset really. Or jealous for that matter. He said that it looked like there is something else. Brutal and honest. But that's how it looks. He hates that once again it had to turn out the way it did. This however is my love's way of fighting. It's hard to understand because it goes against all normal conventions.

What right have I as a friend to say who he can or can't hang out with or talk to. Once again, I find myself in a position where I am fucking jealous of a child. Or is it just Hinder playing that's got my head spinning again? Oh great, now it decides to play Jars of Clay. I think I might be in need of a musical revamp.

Some part of me wants the sad songs that make me cry. It's at least one outlet to get rid of the mess that forms and dissipates on a constant basis and at others, it reminds me of all the things I can be happy about. When I think about the past 2 years, I have more reason to be shocked and happy and angry and depressed.

All the same, my techie side has emerged again!! And I will eventually figure out what to do with myself when reality sinks in and I realise that I'm being stupid. Oh wait, I already do know that. So what to do now... what to do what to do what to do. Meh... driving test!!!!!!!

in attempts to get sleepy

Walking After You, The Foo Fighters
me
So as it turns out I find myself bored and since old habits die hard I'll start this again. Dreaming aloud is one of the things that I haven't been doing in a while. I miss the days where my dreams were real. You know, sometimes I wonder if all of us really need someone around not all the time but most of it. But most of us are too conscious to bother the people we care about when we need someone to talk to. And sometimes it's not just anyone that we want, but specific person(s). Things just won't do. They just won't.

I do wonder though, what really is the point in chasing after things that we want. Is it really worth it in the end? Some things are I suppose. But is it as simple as chasing after our dreams or simply realizing that there are greater things out there than just what we want. I wonder if what we think is right for us really is what we should be doing.

Walk Like and Egyptian, The Bangles
the other
Now there is one fun song. I have to admit I've never paid attention to the lyrics until now :P But now that I'm paying attention to it, this is just another one of those 'youcanttakeittooliterally' songs. It's so... mundane. Life. And don't even get me started on the stereotypes. It's like you are a part of the 'sheep' life style and you're desperate to get out of it. You know you want to but you some how still end up living each day like everyone else. We're pretty much the same in that sense. The only difference is optimism and pessimism. Life itself is subjective. We all see only what we want to see and the only way we can understand is through our own perceptions. It's hard to find an undeniable truth because at the end of the day, every thing that we know and are was at one point taught to us by someone else. So my question then is this: what is real?

Fools in Love, Inara George
you
Meh.... I don't really want to get into the topic of trying to define love. I can't. But there's one thing that I notice about everyone who has been or are in love. It's... like an addiction isn't it? Everything you say and do has someone else in mind. I wonder if people do things for themselves when they are in love. I wonder if I do. I can't quite answer that one either. The song describes it as quite pathetic. I can't disagree either. See, at the end of the day, half the time you end up living for someone else, someone else who's not necessarily going to be around forever. But can we really choose to be selfish and live for ourselves? I have recently come to realize that ultimately, the choices we make are hardly ever in consideration of just ourselves. Some of us choose the more obvious roads while others take a different path that the rest of us can't help but frown upon for the sole reason that we wouldn't do the same thing let alone understand. Lately, I've been trying to see things from a different point of view. A pseudo out of body experience for lack of a better explanation. As a result I've discovered that while we all exist in one world, each of us live in our own bubbles that sometimes crosses others'. So you can't honestly say that you live your life purely for yourself.

Faint, Linkin Park
2 + 1
People are what their emotions allow them to be. There's no helping it really. Emotions aren't things that have switches. Even as we shove and hide things, they still remain only waiting for the day that you lose your strength to hide it away and then they explode on you. We can only hope that it doesn't end up one big mess. I used to think that as long as you don't place expectations on other people, you can't really be disappointed. However, I also found that it's quite impossible not to place expectations. We do. Even though we try not to. Perhaps it's human nature. Or maybe it's just simply... my nature. I can't quite decide on that one.

If, Bread
3 + 1
Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say to some people but when given the chance to, I can't find the words that correctly place my thoughts. They always end up coming out all wrong and as a result create a mess that I don't have the capacity to contain. Some of us are lucky, to have at least once in your life, found someone who you can honestly say you want to help breathe. Not in a literal sense of course.
Think about it. Haven't you met someone that suddenly out of the blue mattered more to you than you thought possible? It doesn't have to be someone you're in a relationship with (even though more often than not it is so). I think I found one person. Just one person to give the stars to. Whether or not they want it however, is another story altogether.

Someday I'll Be Saturday Night. Guns N Roses
1 +2
Ultimately all we really have a choice to do is to take things one day at a time. It's possible to plan for the future but more often than not, things don't always go according to plan. It doesn't mean that we don't try to and even when it does flop, we still find it in ourselves to get up and keep going. Some of us right away and some of us make a pit stop and take inventory. As much as we get stuck in life, there's no such thing as no way out. It only looks impossible to move forward but... time doesn't allow us to freeze in place. All we can do is make an imprint of what was.

Where is the Love, Black Eyed Peas
1+ 3
Has it ever occurred to us that we talk about our problems like they're hell on earth when there are millions of people out there who are in worse off situations. I think I really am quite fortunate despite the hypocrisy that is so prevalent. I'm trying to look for myself in the little things. I mean, if something can make me smile, even for a little while, it can't really be that horrible can it? I'm still searching for a small space that could be home. The common factor is that deep down, we all... love.

Stranded, Jennifer Paige
2 x 1
I was talking to my brother yesterday. He told me that it's ok to be sad. But it's not ok to let the sadness trap us in an unending spiral that makes us feel like we can't bare existence. We all make mistakes in our lives and we end up learning from them. And with regards to finding people to share our beings with, we keep finding someone better and better. But. Sometimes, it doesn't have to be someone new. It could very well be someone old, someone who's been there all this time and you never saw it or you never wanted to accept it. The only thing is, you can't let fear cloud your vision or stop you from taking risks. Life would be pretty boring if you didn't take that leap of faith every once in a while.

In other words, some things are worth waiting for. Some things are worth fighting for. And some things are worth living for. Besides, living is a lot harder than dying.

Passenger, Iggy Pop
3 x 1
I'm sure you've heard of the saying that life is like a roller coaster right? I kinda disagree. It's not just up down and hope you don't throw up along the way. It's... like a road trip kind of. An unplanned one or better yet, one that you don't know the destination. It wouldn't be fun if you did. And along this trip you meet other people along the way some stick around a while and get off and others ride with you and others are just traveling the same road. Like a hitch hiker that you've grown acquainted with, they must at some point leave. And move off to wherever the hell it is that they're going. It's impossible to predict that you'll meet them along the way again. But then again, while it's... not plausible, it is entirely possible. Some times stopping to breathe is a good thing. No one's gonna tell you that you can't or you aren't supposed to. Do what you want, when you want, however you want. It's your life to live, you decide who you're living it for and who you want to live it with.

Beware! Criminal
1 x 2
How soon can you tell when it's right to trust people? Can you look them in the eye and know that they are real? It's hard to tell isn't it? Simple logic states, you came, you saw and you might have conquered. Might have only because not everything is really worth conquering.

Another Way to Die, Jack White & Alicia Keys
1x 3
You come and you go. It's been that way. You let me in then you shut me out. It's not new. It's quite old really and it's getting to be quite boring. But... like I said, sometimes I like to sit and wait. Just to see what'll happen next. This time, I'm ready for it. I'd like to say that you can't surprise me but you always do. I just hope that this time, i really am being paranoid.

Btw, I REALLY like this song :P

I am not in the mood to do... anything. I'm leaving on Friday fyi. I don't really want to go though. What's the point? I'm better of staying put. Why bother wasting the money right? I'd rather spend it on something that I want. At the end of the day, I'm still stuck in a place where I'm pretty much dragged out to do this and that. It's a mad capped society of demands and expectations. I'm quite tired of these expectations and I'm more tired of the world passing me by.

Most of all, I'm probably over reacting again. And It probably makes no sense, but I refused to be trumped by people who can't possibly know what I know. Who can't possibly be all that is required. Can they? I don't think so but that's not rationality talking. Nothing about me right now is very rational.

I'm ok. Really I am. I'm just trying to be strong despite that I already am. I'm trying to trust in things and situations such that it'll always work out as it should regardless of whether it's what I want. Am I really being biased? It was my honest opinion. If you can't take it then... what more can I do right? There is nothing. Nothing at all.

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you. Hmm.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

Is it selfish because I still want to talk? About anything at all? Anything but the possibility that you might have... You said something funny to me today. That mel was back. I never went away. It's sad though, that you never realised that it was me all along.

It's surprising to me still that no matter what, I always find something to say when I'm feeling the way I am right now. That I'll always want you to hear me. But something else made me smile. It is worth it. It will always be worth it. We fight the good fight and we choose our battles to our strengths. Every now and then, we are called to arms even when we aren't ready. There's nothing more that can be done but to do our very best and to not give up. Giving up is losing the battle before it has even begun. I'm sorry that it looks like you had given up. But.. I know. I know what no one else can know. I see what no one else can see. And to hell with anyone who tries to tell me I'm lying to myself because I know I'm not. I know the reason why. It's a dream. It still is a beautiful dream. I mean, there's no such thing as a story without conflict right?

The difference between reality and the silver screen is this: people tend to give up for many different reasons. I may not agree with them but it doesn't mean that they're wrong and I'm right. It just means that people see things differently and I'm not about to judge anyone. It's not my place and I have no interest in it. The only person I can and will judge is me. And as such, I will continue to do what I feel is right.

I will feel. And it will be ok. It will always be ok. I know it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself because... I am. I'm scared. So very scared. I know what you'd say to me though. The same thing you always say to me when I get afraid before anything can really happen. "Don't let fear stop you from greatness" So with this in mind, I fight on.

On a lighter and albeit scarier note, my basic theory test is tomorrow. Ok fine, maybe it's not scary at all but I'm a little panicked. Knowing the material is one thing. Falling into their trick question traps is another! Gah, I wish I had the cash to just take a cab there tomorrow -_- I think the problem with me and transport is that I hate going anymore coz it takes too long. And driving myself around won't make it any easier because a big part of the traveling that makes it long doesn't have much to do with time or distance. I just don't quite like going alone.

Maybe that really is my biggest fear then. I hate the notion of being alone and yet, I choose solitude whenever the opportunity arises. It's like... separation anxiety. I get really uncomfortable when certain people leave. In fact, I hate it when people leave in general.I don't particularly enjoy leaving either. It's the same syndrome I've been battling with for years. I want my cake and I want to eat it!!! Is it really too much to ask for? I suppose it is kinda. I can't expect someone to always be there to hold my hand as I cross the street. But still... I wish...

It finally dawned upon me that... I have been given so many chances. So many times windows of opportunity have opened themselves to me and I never took them. Too caught up in a dream world where I had convinced myself that I could stay in forever. Now I find myself wishing and hoping that a window would open. Even a little. Am I asking for a lot? I think I am. Maybe for too much.

I came home tonight wondering what to do. I spoke to the one my heart screams out to. But at the end of the day, there's nothing I can do. It's no in my nature to change people or to force them to do what I want them to. Now, after having devoted the last few hours to thinking and pondering and reminiscing, I discovered that things are not as horribly bleak as I had thought hours before.

Yes, it still hurts. Yes I still love you whether or not we can ever be. To those who are still reading (few no doubt) and wondering what on earth I've been talking about, round about 53 days ago, God has it been that long, I lost someone. I lost someone and I didn't think that I could go on without him. At this moment in time, I'd give anything to have him back but I know now that it's nothing that I can have. Whether or not it's something either of us deserves is another story altogether. But hear me out. I still love him very dearly. He has been more than I could have ever hoped or wished for.

Facing facts, Sanjay and I have broken up. We are still friends. He has always been one of my best friends. He has been (and still kind of is) there for me when I need someone despite the fact that these days I need someone mostly because we are no more. I still hope for a day that we might work things out. However, I have come to terms with the fact that there is nothing to work out. We have taken this road because of the need to find ourselves again, to make something of ourselves and to make up for the time lost when we could not see what life held of each of us as individuals.

And while I expect the next few weeks and possibly months to be riled with tears of sadness, they are there in tribute to all the good that we have shared. Of all the memories that will never leave my thoughts and to the love that kept me going these past 2 years. For even in my darkest hour, I know now that at least at one point in my life, I was loved so much that there was nothing that could stop me from moving forward.

To my friend, my ex lover, the one who still has my heart and as far as I'm concerned can hold on to it until the day comes where it is destined for another or not, I wish you well. I will never be so far as you cannot reach me. You will never be far from my thoughts. And if God permits, I would love to be able to give you one last hug and one last kiss goodbye because for now, I think a part of me wants the distance away from all of this. And another wants nothing more than to sink back into the miserable existence that I have been living in since the day you left.

I miss you. And I still love you. But it's ok. Because I know in my heart that you still feel the same. And should one day our paths cross again, I will know then as I know now that we will be as we should be. I have seen it. And one day, I will be in Green and Gold side by side the one.

I was digging through past memories and I came across this. I thought it apt to post it again.

Our Last Goodbye

Where are you?
Where am I?
This sounds like our last goodbye.

I've changed so much since you left
I wonder if you'd still recognise the fire inside
The desire hurts, my muscles ache
My world is lost, disintigrate

Where you have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

A voice from behind me whispers nothing in my ear
My thoughts shift from emptiness into being
Sounds and images are taking shape
Being nothing is a food as living dead

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

Paranoia eats at me, gnawing my bones
An endless chatter made to topple
Shadows of strangers cast down by me
An army of darkness is what seeks me

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

Some say you're back
Safe and near by
Others are insane yet speak a strange truth
They say you never left but it was I who ran away

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

I just had the most horrible dream. I dreamt that he got married. To Gerard? And all I was, was a friend. And there was no one there to comfort me. They all blamed me this time because I drove you to it.

On top of it all, I went surfing the very next day. And I met your mom for coffee. Hmmmmmm....

You know what? It just occured to me last night that it's not my fault. More often than not in a disagreement, it takes 2. This time however, I'm just the one disagreeing. Protecting myself or protecting a life that I wanted so badly? Ultimately, it wasn't my doing at all. If this is what the fates have in store for me than so be it. I just hope that you know what you're doing. You're insufferable you know. You and your idiocy. I am a lot stronger than you are actually. I'm the one who'd going to come out a lot stronger. And as for you? The one thing you've said that makes sense is that you've made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. I have no more sympathy for you. Hey, if you're so sure that what you're doing is right then so be it. If you think that this is the only way you can progress than fine.

If there was ever a time that I want you to do something it would be now. Go ahead. Do whatever you want. I won't stop you even if I could. You're too stubborn to admit it anyways. Do it. And when all falls to pieces and you're in hell, don't look me up. Don't come running and say that you're sorry that you wish you could go back because you can't. And I won't let you. Not because it'll hurt you, but because I won't let you hurt me again. If anyone's going to hurt me it'll be on my terms. After all, I make my own bed now.

I suppose I really do deserve all this don't I?
After everything I've done is this life and the previous. Unforgivable sins that are haunting me to this day. God really does hate me. Why is it that EVERYONE ELSE gets a fragment of happiness and I'm stuck here having to deal with these cards. Cards that aren't even my choice. Why is it that for everything important to me I don't get to choose. I don't get a say in it at all. Why are you doing this to me. Don't you care about me? Or are you really that selfish.

I want to paint a picture with words that can express everything that I have felt and still feel. But how can I write a story that starts in the middle and has no end? How does one then express the happiness of what was and what could be when all there is now is not? I can't even think of a song or a tune that I could sing that would show you what's inside. Because inside me is something that even I cannot explain. It is a feeling and an emotion that drives me towards a point that's moving further and further away from me.I still chase after it not knowing if I can ever reach it. After all, if I stop now, it'll only get further away wouldn't it? And who's to say when we find the things that we want that we can have it?

It's too late for me to apologize. But I am sorry that I can't stop loving you. I can' stop this feeling that I have inside. And I'm about to break. If love is blind I'll find my way. With you. But ever since you walked out that door, you've left a hole in my heart. I don't mean to drag you down but I can't seem to let you go. These foolish games are tearing me apart, your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

See what I mean? It's all fragments. Of thoughts, words and melodies that don't make any sense to me. Do I have to get up early in the morning just to be able to talk to you?

Yesterday was the first day in 2 years that I haven't said those words to you. Yesterday was also the first day in 2 years that I couldn't talk to you. Yesterday was the first day in 2 years that I began to feel that you didn't want to talk to me. And nothing has made me feel more torn up inside. Nothing in 24 years has torn me up inside because of you. I really am an insufferable fool aren't I? With no one left to cry to. No one I can conceivably burden.

I think I've just found the song.

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins


I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't

A part of me still wishes that I could curl up and die.

babble babble bitch bitch

I wonder what really is the underlying cause of addiction. I'm fairly certain it's not just "I like the feeling I get" thing that comes along with it. Think about it. I wonder why I smoke some times. Out of habit perhaps? Sometimes I hate the taste and sometimes I love it. But nonetheless I still continue.

In the time span of 2 months, I've contracted the flu. Both times it was pretty bad by my standards. The first was the horrible fever that wouldn't let me sleep or concentrate on anything at all. Everything was incessantly random. The second, the one I'm recovering from now, has a milder fever. Which is good really. However, there is a problem. The cough. At first it was near impossible to breathe. I began to panic praying that I wasn't ailed with an incurable disease that has begun to afflict many smokers. It really did feel like I was breathing through a straw. I couldn't take any deep breaths and the shallow ones just didn't cut it. So imagine wheezing as if you've just run a marathon along with the increased heart rate. Except it lasted through the night. Looking at myself in the mirror was scarier than usual. My tan skin was paler than I had ever seen it. And trust me, I've been really pale before.

Now, the fever is gone. The breathing is back to normal (yay!). BUT. I feel more sick than ever. Not a physical sick I'm sure but sick none the less. It feels like my body is completely out of sync. No, I didn't overdose myself -_- Please, the only thing that I haven't been measuring accurately is the cough syrup because the nurse said three quarters of the plastic spoon they provided. Come on, who's going to be able to get the amount right the whole time?!

I feel my heart race and my muscles numbing. I feel my heart desperately trying to pump blood throughout my irritated body. And my mind? Heh. More jaded than ever, more confused and irrational than ever. And ultimately, I'm angry but I'm not sure why. I want to scream but I don't know who I want to scream at. I want to move forward but I'm surrounded by a fog so thick I can't see the tip of my nose. I don't take the same amount of pleasure that I normally do in watching videos or even playing games. I miss my guitar but I have no intention of singing or playing. I miss my attunement (if that's even a word) but I don't quite know (or perhaps care) what I'm attuned to.

Most of all I miss my drive. My drive to keep going towards some kind of goal in life. Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what that goal is any more.

I remember in kindergarten. I was so sure that after the second year I wouldn't have to go to school anymore despite the fact that my brother, who is 8 years older than me, was at the time in school. Then primary school and the new thought of how to make 6 years last less than a second. Obviously I never got through it. The same was true for the earlier stages of secondary school but the vernacular of my surroundings made it apparent that this was and would not be the case.

Now I find myself sitting here wishing I was in school. Wishing that it was compulsory once more for me to attend classes every day, learn new things and occupy my time and mind on things of value. Things that would make a bloody difference. Instead, I find myself doing this. Writing. The one thing my heart truly loves. But I wonder if that is really what I want out of a profession. I feel like emotionally I want more. A lot more. Physically, I'm strangely... fine. I could do with a hug though. A really big one. Career wise, a blank. A total and utter blank! A career as a psychologist. While that is still somewhat appealing to me I've come to terms with the fact that I'd rather be reporting more than anything else. I actually really loved covering the events that Judy asked me to do for Taxi Designs. It felt.... natural. I still miss it. I could do that for ages and ages and not be bothered by it. My one flaw in the mess is I hate the traveling. The idea of me taking public transport bores me to no end. I find that I don't really go out and about and do things by myself because at the end of the day I'm more entertained sitting in my room and staring at the ceiling. Hey, at least I'm comfortable right? Heh.

Warcraft is slowly losing its appeal to me. It's fun no doubt but still.... It's getting a little boring. If not the level grind, then it's questing around, and if not that, then it's running around mining or gathering herbs. Running dungeons I must admit is still fun. But I'm ridiculously impatient and it takes ages to get people together to go. And even then, running the dungeon itself can mean waiting and trying to figure out what next. See what I mean? No matter how minutely amusing something holds for me after a while it just loses its appeal.

Talking to friends is always good and fun. But I find that with one particular person, who thank God, doesn't have my blog address and if not, has the memory of a goldfish with these things. So said person wouldn't have a clue. I digress... Well, talking is loads of fun. In fact I look forward to our conversations but sometimes they annoying the living daylights out of me. Honestly, it gets to a point of make up your bloody mind already. You want you don't want you want you don't want.... Seriously. I sometimes believe that you only talk to me because you have no one else to talk to. To think that half the time i bail on people to sit and listen to your drivel and the minute someone else comes a long you run like the wind. You tell me things as you see them but more often than not, it sounds like you don't want me to have an opinion on things. Unfortunately, as Daniel puts it, I have an opinion on pretty much everything. I just don't voice it out all the time. Unfortunately with you, the minute you don't like what you hear, it's like I've done the worst thing on the planet and everything suddenly becomes my fault. When I try to do something nice for you, you turn around and tell me that I'm in your face. Well, I practically spend most of my time in my own face, I have neither the patience nor the stupidity to be in your face all the time. I've already invested so much of my precious time to these encounters than to have to spend more of it grieving over something this trivial. I mean come on, there's only so much a girl can take.

I suppose it is a good thing that it's nearly 6 in the morning and hardly anyone is awake. I'm in a frightfully destructive mood. Feeling this numb and chaotic is nostalgic isn't it? You know what I really REALLY want right now? I want, a really nice STRONG drink. I've just finished the Apricot Brandy I had been saving. It was a little under a quart I think. But I don't suppose it's a good thing to drink it all at once. After all, it has been well over 4 hours since my last dose of medication so who the hell cares right? I wish I had more but I suppose it is a good thing that I don't. The effects could be.. quite detrimental. I wonder if anyone is willing to help me carry a case of beer home if I asked. Heh.

I want to see. I want to see if it will happen. The green and gold. It's stuck in my mind Jon. It's stuck there and I want to see it. I want to see it soon.

If anyone's made it this far, you'll be glad to find that I've run out of things to ramble about. If not, I don't really give a damn so there! :)