babble babble bitch bitch

I wonder what really is the underlying cause of addiction. I'm fairly certain it's not just "I like the feeling I get" thing that comes along with it. Think about it. I wonder why I smoke some times. Out of habit perhaps? Sometimes I hate the taste and sometimes I love it. But nonetheless I still continue.

In the time span of 2 months, I've contracted the flu. Both times it was pretty bad by my standards. The first was the horrible fever that wouldn't let me sleep or concentrate on anything at all. Everything was incessantly random. The second, the one I'm recovering from now, has a milder fever. Which is good really. However, there is a problem. The cough. At first it was near impossible to breathe. I began to panic praying that I wasn't ailed with an incurable disease that has begun to afflict many smokers. It really did feel like I was breathing through a straw. I couldn't take any deep breaths and the shallow ones just didn't cut it. So imagine wheezing as if you've just run a marathon along with the increased heart rate. Except it lasted through the night. Looking at myself in the mirror was scarier than usual. My tan skin was paler than I had ever seen it. And trust me, I've been really pale before.

Now, the fever is gone. The breathing is back to normal (yay!). BUT. I feel more sick than ever. Not a physical sick I'm sure but sick none the less. It feels like my body is completely out of sync. No, I didn't overdose myself -_- Please, the only thing that I haven't been measuring accurately is the cough syrup because the nurse said three quarters of the plastic spoon they provided. Come on, who's going to be able to get the amount right the whole time?!

I feel my heart race and my muscles numbing. I feel my heart desperately trying to pump blood throughout my irritated body. And my mind? Heh. More jaded than ever, more confused and irrational than ever. And ultimately, I'm angry but I'm not sure why. I want to scream but I don't know who I want to scream at. I want to move forward but I'm surrounded by a fog so thick I can't see the tip of my nose. I don't take the same amount of pleasure that I normally do in watching videos or even playing games. I miss my guitar but I have no intention of singing or playing. I miss my attunement (if that's even a word) but I don't quite know (or perhaps care) what I'm attuned to.

Most of all I miss my drive. My drive to keep going towards some kind of goal in life. Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what that goal is any more.

I remember in kindergarten. I was so sure that after the second year I wouldn't have to go to school anymore despite the fact that my brother, who is 8 years older than me, was at the time in school. Then primary school and the new thought of how to make 6 years last less than a second. Obviously I never got through it. The same was true for the earlier stages of secondary school but the vernacular of my surroundings made it apparent that this was and would not be the case.

Now I find myself sitting here wishing I was in school. Wishing that it was compulsory once more for me to attend classes every day, learn new things and occupy my time and mind on things of value. Things that would make a bloody difference. Instead, I find myself doing this. Writing. The one thing my heart truly loves. But I wonder if that is really what I want out of a profession. I feel like emotionally I want more. A lot more. Physically, I'm strangely... fine. I could do with a hug though. A really big one. Career wise, a blank. A total and utter blank! A career as a psychologist. While that is still somewhat appealing to me I've come to terms with the fact that I'd rather be reporting more than anything else. I actually really loved covering the events that Judy asked me to do for Taxi Designs. It felt.... natural. I still miss it. I could do that for ages and ages and not be bothered by it. My one flaw in the mess is I hate the traveling. The idea of me taking public transport bores me to no end. I find that I don't really go out and about and do things by myself because at the end of the day I'm more entertained sitting in my room and staring at the ceiling. Hey, at least I'm comfortable right? Heh.

Warcraft is slowly losing its appeal to me. It's fun no doubt but still.... It's getting a little boring. If not the level grind, then it's questing around, and if not that, then it's running around mining or gathering herbs. Running dungeons I must admit is still fun. But I'm ridiculously impatient and it takes ages to get people together to go. And even then, running the dungeon itself can mean waiting and trying to figure out what next. See what I mean? No matter how minutely amusing something holds for me after a while it just loses its appeal.

Talking to friends is always good and fun. But I find that with one particular person, who thank God, doesn't have my blog address and if not, has the memory of a goldfish with these things. So said person wouldn't have a clue. I digress... Well, talking is loads of fun. In fact I look forward to our conversations but sometimes they annoying the living daylights out of me. Honestly, it gets to a point of make up your bloody mind already. You want you don't want you want you don't want.... Seriously. I sometimes believe that you only talk to me because you have no one else to talk to. To think that half the time i bail on people to sit and listen to your drivel and the minute someone else comes a long you run like the wind. You tell me things as you see them but more often than not, it sounds like you don't want me to have an opinion on things. Unfortunately, as Daniel puts it, I have an opinion on pretty much everything. I just don't voice it out all the time. Unfortunately with you, the minute you don't like what you hear, it's like I've done the worst thing on the planet and everything suddenly becomes my fault. When I try to do something nice for you, you turn around and tell me that I'm in your face. Well, I practically spend most of my time in my own face, I have neither the patience nor the stupidity to be in your face all the time. I've already invested so much of my precious time to these encounters than to have to spend more of it grieving over something this trivial. I mean come on, there's only so much a girl can take.

I suppose it is a good thing that it's nearly 6 in the morning and hardly anyone is awake. I'm in a frightfully destructive mood. Feeling this numb and chaotic is nostalgic isn't it? You know what I really REALLY want right now? I want, a really nice STRONG drink. I've just finished the Apricot Brandy I had been saving. It was a little under a quart I think. But I don't suppose it's a good thing to drink it all at once. After all, it has been well over 4 hours since my last dose of medication so who the hell cares right? I wish I had more but I suppose it is a good thing that I don't. The effects could be.. quite detrimental. I wonder if anyone is willing to help me carry a case of beer home if I asked. Heh.

I want to see. I want to see if it will happen. The green and gold. It's stuck in my mind Jon. It's stuck there and I want to see it. I want to see it soon.

If anyone's made it this far, you'll be glad to find that I've run out of things to ramble about. If not, I don't really give a damn so there! :)