I want to paint a picture with words that can express everything that I have felt and still feel. But how can I write a story that starts in the middle and has no end? How does one then express the happiness of what was and what could be when all there is now is not? I can't even think of a song or a tune that I could sing that would show you what's inside. Because inside me is something that even I cannot explain. It is a feeling and an emotion that drives me towards a point that's moving further and further away from me.I still chase after it not knowing if I can ever reach it. After all, if I stop now, it'll only get further away wouldn't it? And who's to say when we find the things that we want that we can have it?

It's too late for me to apologize. But I am sorry that I can't stop loving you. I can' stop this feeling that I have inside. And I'm about to break. If love is blind I'll find my way. With you. But ever since you walked out that door, you've left a hole in my heart. I don't mean to drag you down but I can't seem to let you go. These foolish games are tearing me apart, your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

See what I mean? It's all fragments. Of thoughts, words and melodies that don't make any sense to me. Do I have to get up early in the morning just to be able to talk to you?

Yesterday was the first day in 2 years that I haven't said those words to you. Yesterday was also the first day in 2 years that I couldn't talk to you. Yesterday was the first day in 2 years that I began to feel that you didn't want to talk to me. And nothing has made me feel more torn up inside. Nothing in 24 years has torn me up inside because of you. I really am an insufferable fool aren't I? With no one left to cry to. No one I can conceivably burden.

I think I've just found the song.

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins


I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't

A part of me still wishes that I could curl up and die.