It finally dawned upon me that... I have been given so many chances. So many times windows of opportunity have opened themselves to me and I never took them. Too caught up in a dream world where I had convinced myself that I could stay in forever. Now I find myself wishing and hoping that a window would open. Even a little. Am I asking for a lot? I think I am. Maybe for too much.

I came home tonight wondering what to do. I spoke to the one my heart screams out to. But at the end of the day, there's nothing I can do. It's no in my nature to change people or to force them to do what I want them to. Now, after having devoted the last few hours to thinking and pondering and reminiscing, I discovered that things are not as horribly bleak as I had thought hours before.

Yes, it still hurts. Yes I still love you whether or not we can ever be. To those who are still reading (few no doubt) and wondering what on earth I've been talking about, round about 53 days ago, God has it been that long, I lost someone. I lost someone and I didn't think that I could go on without him. At this moment in time, I'd give anything to have him back but I know now that it's nothing that I can have. Whether or not it's something either of us deserves is another story altogether. But hear me out. I still love him very dearly. He has been more than I could have ever hoped or wished for.

Facing facts, Sanjay and I have broken up. We are still friends. He has always been one of my best friends. He has been (and still kind of is) there for me when I need someone despite the fact that these days I need someone mostly because we are no more. I still hope for a day that we might work things out. However, I have come to terms with the fact that there is nothing to work out. We have taken this road because of the need to find ourselves again, to make something of ourselves and to make up for the time lost when we could not see what life held of each of us as individuals.

And while I expect the next few weeks and possibly months to be riled with tears of sadness, they are there in tribute to all the good that we have shared. Of all the memories that will never leave my thoughts and to the love that kept me going these past 2 years. For even in my darkest hour, I know now that at least at one point in my life, I was loved so much that there was nothing that could stop me from moving forward.

To my friend, my ex lover, the one who still has my heart and as far as I'm concerned can hold on to it until the day comes where it is destined for another or not, I wish you well. I will never be so far as you cannot reach me. You will never be far from my thoughts. And if God permits, I would love to be able to give you one last hug and one last kiss goodbye because for now, I think a part of me wants the distance away from all of this. And another wants nothing more than to sink back into the miserable existence that I have been living in since the day you left.

I miss you. And I still love you. But it's ok. Because I know in my heart that you still feel the same. And should one day our paths cross again, I will know then as I know now that we will be as we should be. I have seen it. And one day, I will be in Green and Gold side by side the one.