counting the minutes

I slept around 6. In the evening mind you. And ended up waking up somewhere between 1 and 2 with a moist face and massive aches. What else is new. I slacked around for another 2 hours till my alarm went off at 4. No, I wasn't planning on waking up at 4 because I knew I'd (unfortunately) already be awake.

I was supposed to wake my boyfriend up. What a nice person I am huh. It turns out that he only got to sleep around the time I woke up. Which was pretty normal I guess. Sleeping at 1.30 am is normal unlike my new 6pm regime. So after counless calls I finally got through to him at which he told me that he was only planning to be in school at 9. In my head I screamed damnit. I had a whole 4 hours to play around with. I ended up doing all 140 questions on the Cognitive Psychology website within 30 minutes. I only got 3 answers wrong this time. All because in my groggy state I didn't read the question properly/clicked the wrong answer or one of those things. Heh. So I guess you could say that I'm ready for this exam.

I refuse to look at Monday's and Wednesday's exam notes or questions. I can't afford to have anything interfere with the stuff I've prepared for. So another few hours of slacking around trying to figure out what I can do at this hour besides smoke my brains out. That's right, I can't do anything. Anything but think and wait.

I'm not hungry and I can't drink coffee or eat anything with cream in it. Not now. Or I'll feel sick again like I did Wednesday morning. I dread the walk to Uni. Heck, I dread stepping out of my tropical room to use the toilet. It's too damned cold out. For the record, anyone who decides to tell me that 2-fucking-degrees is not cold is clearly insane.

I wonder what things will be like when the exams are over. I mean in between them I find that I've nothing to do anymore to the point that I've tidied up my room. (FYI, I would do laundry if I had the coins that I saved for it or if the laundry room was open but tough luck, it's not open so there's no point even trying is there.) I wouldn't have had this problem if I weren't living in this God forsaken place would I? And then again, leaving early for an exam in this weather would ubdoubtedly ensure my death, numbness or frostbite. Fine, frostbite's a little to extreme but I swear it's not a walk in the park. This seriously is the coldest winter ever.

6.47am. No one's awake at this hour. No one who's free that is. The few people that are online and responding to messages are all studying. And the others? They probably just fell asleep forgetting to switch to away mode.

I want to write a song. I want to plug the guitar in. But... I don't think I'll be playing the electric any time soon. Not with the hours I keep. And when I find that I have all the time in the world to play, I'll already be on the plane. So no such luck.

Today's going to be a relatively busy day I guess. But it all starts with going to school for the exam. I'm going to get my X-Ray shit done today. Honestly, how they fucked up an X-Ray is completely beyond me. Unless of course they detected black speckles where my lungs should be. I wouldn't really be surprised considering how much I smoke and my history of allergies and heritable illnesses. What else is new. It doesn't bother me much even if I were to die today on the way to Uni. What's the point. Everything's so completely jaded. I know I'll be missed, and I know I'll miss many people terribly. But there's really nothign that I can do is there. Doesn't matter anymore.

I know I've been getting into boughts of depression all over again. It's not like anything's wrong or something bad happened. I'm pretty happy with my life in general. I'm just saying that if it were to end here and now, I would go with no regrets.

There went MeL. They'd say I went to a happy place. But of course my idea of happy place would probably not be the same as theirs. I just want all of this to be over. My sleeping pattern makes everything seem so... Long. I don't like it every much. Perhaps it will get back to normal after Madhavi's leaving party and Charlotte's 21st Birthday later in the evening. Here's to hoping.

I love you. I really, really love you.