with hands held high into the sky so blue, the ocean opens up to swallow you

I can't really explain this weird sensation. It's like I'm holding on and giving up at the same time. I guess that's the thing with me and dreams. They bother me. They get to me. Because these kinds of dreams? They seem so real to me. And before I know it, it actually happens.

And maybe this is all it really is. Just a dream. I don't quite know what to do next. I just want all this to be over and done with. So I can get back to being me. Get back to reality. Going back to life. This past few weeks have been crazy. I sleep and I wake up crying or I don't sleep at all. And I have to hide my tears and my sorrows. It's not easy you know.

I don't think I deserve something this beautiful or wonderful. I don't think I'm worth it. I don't think I should have it. Because at the end of the day I'll want to keep it forever when I know that I can't. So maybe I really shouldn't bother with such things. Keep my eyes on the big things. What I can keep. What I can hold. What will be mine to the very end.

I really do know that at the end, I will be happy and that I will have my peace. But the journey there is proving to be tiring and far too long. I want to wait it out and at the same time, I'm being very impatient.

I know it's only a little bit longer. Just a little bit more to go and things will fall into place. Now it's just a question of endurance.