I honestly don't care whether you think I'm right. I really don't. Yesterday evening or at least early this morning, I read something that an old friend had written. If you don't want to fight for something then maybe it isn't worth fighting for? I can't help but agree with that. I can't help but see it in myself. And yet it feels like I'm the only one pulling on the proverbial tug of war rope. So what's a girl to do? Let the cards that have been dealt out be? I'm a firm believer in holding my own destiny in the palm of my hand. That and the fact that what's in store for me is hard enough to deal with let alone change.

So what now? What now? SERIOUSLY, what now. Really wishing that I knew.

Ok all things aside, I'm not the only one fighting. But I just wish that it were more obvious. A little more out there. I'd feel infinitely better if you'd just let me see that. Let me see that you think that we're worth fighting for. It's not like we've got a lot of time left.

I find myself wondering what would happen if I were to get rid of all the ponstan in my refrigerator.

It's official. I think God really hates me.

It always starts out as a feeling. Then you start to get attached and hopeful that this might really be it. Then you question and you question and put yourself in that dark place. But then, if all goes well, hope takes over and you get out of it. Suddenly everything's good and your dreams change and all there is around you is surrounded by bright light and an even brighter future. What then happens when that lights starts to flicker and your dreams are being threatened? What happens when you wish and pray so desperately for the light that you grew to trust in. That same light that's threatening to betray you? Do you go back to that dark place and hope to God and Goddess that things will all work out?

Well, if any of you have the answer to that question, please let me know. Because I don't want to go back there again. Love is love. Fear is fear. Love and fear? It happens but it really shouldn't should it?

I've had many chances to get myself to where I 'should' be instead of where I am now. I had many chances to relieve myself but I didn't. And now I'm being forced, needless to say against my will, to go through with something that even thinking about is leaving me wreck. I hate that I have no one to talk to. No one to cry on. No one less complicated at least. I want to stop. I want all of it to stop. It's too soon, I need more time. I don't want what's happening. All things that people say to deny what is to come. The 5 stages of mourning right? I barely remember them.

I have the feeling that I've completely lost my head. LOST IT. And I'm beginning to crave losing everything else. I mean, if I finish it, I won't have to be like this anymore right? Right?? If only things are so simple. If only I'd even think or TRY to take the easy road.

you know

you know you'd end up doing something like this didn't you. you already knew from the very beginning that it'd end up like this. of all the things and of all the people, you knew the best. but you didn't listen to yourself. and now you're waiting again. too scared to move, too scared not to move.

you really should hope that you know what you're doing. at least i hope i know what i'm doing.