at the edge

You may not realise it but these stupid things that you say that apparently have no effect on you have an effect on me. You don't understand how much I've done. You don't know how tired I am. And still you do these things as though you don't even realise how much it's hurting me. And here's the best part, you'll never know. Why? Because as much as you try, you'll never be able to see the real me. You'll never be able to understand what it's been like for me to go through hell and come back with a smile on my face like nothing's happened.

You have absolutely NO FUCKING RIGHT to snap at me. I've been very very very patient with you and I swear my patience is running thin.

to better days

I know I haven't written in a while. Just to update you lot, I'm nearly done with all my assignments. I just have the Research Methods lab report left. It shouldn't be a problem as soon as Luke passes me more info. It's just the post hoc shit, sprucing up the discussion and it'll take me under half an hour to get a decent abstract out. So that's always good. In other words, I should be finished with it tonight!! Go me! Go me go me go me!!!!

On other things, I'm very proud of you. :) I know you hated it like mad but you still went ahead and did what's best for you. I love you many many! :D

what do insomniacs dream about?

ever been so tired that you feel like you've overdosed? or that you're about to collapse with each breath you take?

With each cigarette I can almost taste the caffeine.
Death sticks he called them.
Somewhere in between dying and getting a daily fix.

Around an hour or two of sleep and a deep draught of redbull. That's how I'm going to have to start my mornings. I am the sleepless, the frozen sleepless.

I wish I could lay my head down and walk the dreams again. I miss them dearly.

Actions speak a lot louder than words. And thoughts are at the bottom of both. No I'm not entirely sure what I'm talking about. Love isn't as hard as people make it out to be. And my love is keeping me alive.

now what was that john mayer song that alon always played...

Religiously speaking, are you... uhh... religious?

What an interesting turn of events. My euphoria as reached a whole new level of high. If that's actually possible. My assignments... Still remain at 2 down 4 to go. And tonight, I won't be able to get anything done. Why you ask, because I'm going to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert!!! Props to Daniel Zhang for helping me score the tickets!!! Anyways, I'll be going with Sanjay so buzz my phone if you need anything :)

I reiterate the fact that I fucking HATE expiry dates. They're the one thing that's going to kill me.

I want to say thank you to all the wonderful people who've helped me out over the last few days. The 4 of you men know who you are so there is no need to mention names eh?

Either way, you guys have no idea how much you've helped me out. Thank you so so much for everything.

I'm tired but not sleepy. So not good. But then again, it allows me time to sit and get started on my third assignment. YES! I am actually on track! I've managed to complete the personality paper and I'm quite happy with it the way it is. The research assignment however, I'm still muddled over. I really have to learn how to decipher the calculations now that I actually know how to do them manually. Hehe. But that one should be pretty alright. For now, I'm going to get started on the Soci assignment. I'm looking at a 2000 word paper that's worth 50% of the grade. The troubling thing about it is I know nothing about it. Well... maybe a little but I don't think a little's gonna cut it. Time to get back to work!

Much love

I know I was going to do something. But I can't remember what it was I'm supposed to do. Ah well, back to work.

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

It's just been another one of those days. I've become overly docile again from the sound of it. All of a sudden the wilder side of me decided to take a break and sit in the shadows while the passive overly girl me has come into play.

Oh who am I trying to kid. I'm getting to become so different all over again. No, nothing is wrong, every thing's been good. Amazingly good. For now at least. I guess I've just been thinking too much.

My screen name reads, "why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends." I took to it on one of those days much like this one. The only difference this time is what Luke said to me in reply to it, "because for those who find reality too harsh, dreams are all that keep em going."

Could the reality of being me be all that bad?I have the good life. I've always had the good life. I mean sure shit happens, most of the time I land up attracting the worst kinds of situations or find myself caught in between a rock and a hard place. So what? I quite like the joyride. The roller coaster if you will. What will happen to me when I know that my dreams will one day end and that I can't have all that I want to have. Perhaps it's because I don't need it but still, it's besides the point. Don't I deserve to be happy? After all the bullshit that I've been through?

Not too long ago, I recall giving up hope in nearly everything. And just when I learned how to dream, pray and hope, I find myself wishing that I didn't. Why hope for an end that you know cannot be. Why dream of a future that will never come to pass? Why keep on going when you know that in the end, there is nothing.

I feel so... torn. So very torn. And I think it's quite stupid of me to feel as such. Why should I? Again, I live the good life. I have everything that I could possibly need. I have a wonderful family, friends who would do anything for me should I ask their help and I have people who love me for me. Not what I do or how I look. Not for how much money I have or any of those insignificant things that matter so much to a lot of people in the world. But just me. They don't see me the way I see myself. They don't see a helpless girl. They see a me that I can't bring myself to accept.

I'm actually quite afraid. Of dropping my guard that is. Of letting go of what little constraints I have left protecting me from pain and hurt. I reassure all of you that nothing is wrong. Or nothing wrong is happening or has happened. All these things are good. Even though I know that this short period of time will probably only happen once. It may never happen again.

Here's the clincher though, despite my wild attempts at not letting myself fall, I already have. It scares me. The thought of expiry dates. The thought of ends. And I know, that in the end, I will be hurt. And I will cry. And I won't want to let go even though I know that I have no other choice. Even as I write this, I feel it.

And yet I still don't want this to have an expiry date.