It's just been another one of those days. I've become overly docile again from the sound of it. All of a sudden the wilder side of me decided to take a break and sit in the shadows while the passive overly girl me has come into play.

Oh who am I trying to kid. I'm getting to become so different all over again. No, nothing is wrong, every thing's been good. Amazingly good. For now at least. I guess I've just been thinking too much.

My screen name reads, "why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends." I took to it on one of those days much like this one. The only difference this time is what Luke said to me in reply to it, "because for those who find reality too harsh, dreams are all that keep em going."

Could the reality of being me be all that bad?I have the good life. I've always had the good life. I mean sure shit happens, most of the time I land up attracting the worst kinds of situations or find myself caught in between a rock and a hard place. So what? I quite like the joyride. The roller coaster if you will. What will happen to me when I know that my dreams will one day end and that I can't have all that I want to have. Perhaps it's because I don't need it but still, it's besides the point. Don't I deserve to be happy? After all the bullshit that I've been through?

Not too long ago, I recall giving up hope in nearly everything. And just when I learned how to dream, pray and hope, I find myself wishing that I didn't. Why hope for an end that you know cannot be. Why dream of a future that will never come to pass? Why keep on going when you know that in the end, there is nothing.

I feel so... torn. So very torn. And I think it's quite stupid of me to feel as such. Why should I? Again, I live the good life. I have everything that I could possibly need. I have a wonderful family, friends who would do anything for me should I ask their help and I have people who love me for me. Not what I do or how I look. Not for how much money I have or any of those insignificant things that matter so much to a lot of people in the world. But just me. They don't see me the way I see myself. They don't see a helpless girl. They see a me that I can't bring myself to accept.

I'm actually quite afraid. Of dropping my guard that is. Of letting go of what little constraints I have left protecting me from pain and hurt. I reassure all of you that nothing is wrong. Or nothing wrong is happening or has happened. All these things are good. Even though I know that this short period of time will probably only happen once. It may never happen again.

Here's the clincher though, despite my wild attempts at not letting myself fall, I already have. It scares me. The thought of expiry dates. The thought of ends. And I know, that in the end, I will be hurt. And I will cry. And I won't want to let go even though I know that I have no other choice. Even as I write this, I feel it.

And yet I still don't want this to have an expiry date.