Some days it feels as though it’s pointless to keep fighting. Thankfully, usually when such feelings come about I tend to talk myself out of giving up. At the end of the day I’m not going to be childish and I won’t allow myself to be punished for someone else’s mistakes. Fair enough I cannot and will not claim ignorance on all fronts and will not scream bloody murder. I deal with things in my own way and in my own time. The truth is, the fact that dealing with different people will require different methods cannot be denied, however, to believe that you know the best way at all times is preposterous. I for one would rather candid with a good combination of tact as opposed to hidden secrets and snide remarks for example. At the end of the day, it is important to keep doing the things that you love doing. It keeps you happy, makes you feel alive and most importantly grants you a great deal of self worth, without which we are nothing more than empty shells with a poor excuse for existence. What then happens when you get infected? Sometimes emotions can really behave as though they are a virus, clawing and teething away at your inner recesses and before you know it, you’ve overreacted and things have blown smack out of proportion. I’m not entirely sure what stage I’m at right now but we’ll see.

It's come that point again. In a mere 97 stretch I'm considering throwing in the towel because I simply cannot handle the late nights early mornings and the lack of any semblance of a life.

I've reached a point where all food makes me want to hurl and the thought of having yet another email amidst the 100+++ that are coming in makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

I've been wondering if I'm just being whiney and spoilt from having a relatively easy life without much stress. Or if this is really what's supposed to be happening the way it is now and if this is supposed to be normal because I honestly don't know how much more I can handle or how much more I'm expected to be able to manage.

I'm so sick and tired of people coming to us with their retarded requests expecting us to do their jobs for them. I'm frustrated with people who give us half-past-six work and get upset when we reject it because it wasn't done properly or things that other people sit on and then expect us to push our time lines and beg the clients to give us extensions on.

Breakinng point is the bloody understatement of the next century as it is and I'm beginning to wish I'd just fucking end up in hospital because then, maybe then, someone would just wake up and do something about it.

I hate to say it but guess what, I'm beginning to fucking hate my job so much so that coming to work and doing the actual work is a worse punishment than anything I can think of.

2 can keep a secret if 1 of them is dead

For as modern a society as we are today, we are still bound by simple and complicated ties as we have had since creation. And that's what this is about. Creation. We are a product of breeding and lineage that swears an allegiance before we are old enough to swear anything at all.

From first breath we are trained to do nothing but obey. Curiosity is frowned upon. Ironic considering children themselves are the most perceptive and curious of creatures. (Yes, creatures.) Strangely enough, we were all at that stage once and yet as we get older we cannot begin to understand what must go through a child's mind. Have we forgotten? I do not believe so, instead we are trained to forget. And this concept transcends into every aspect of our daily lives. We are first trained to obey our parents and then society, with many other things in between. Even as I sit and type, I am bound to obey the laws of grammar and quite frankly I am not sure who trained me for that or when.

I long to be free. As superfluous and impossible as that line is, I still long for it and I don't think I'm any different from the rest in my wanting. More often than not I do feel like I'm nothing more than a waste of space and I miss the simple security I used to have. The loneliness and emptiness is so deafening that the smallest of things can and have set me off.

Having said that, I do not feel the need to be liked/loved by everyone. That's probably the furthest thing from what I'd like. I suppose what I'm really getting at is, where do we stop obeying? At what age do we reach before we are capable of fighting back? When do we stop to say enough is enough? Everybody has a breaking point and I'm not saying that I've reached mine, but what gives person a right to govern over another? Having sired them? I seriously hope not. For whatever future I may behold, if that is what's going to happen, I'd rather end it all right now.

PS: Californication isn't too bad. It's thoroughly annoying but there are times that I find it manageable. However, I do sincerely hope that the people I care of do not turn out that way.

You know, I couldn’t sleep last night. I think I finally nodded off at 4. I tried to sleep though, really. I tried to keep it together but I couldn’t. Exhaustion from heaving and dehydration probably got to me after a couple of hours.

Ironically I made the journey to work in one piece and ended up caving when I left to have a smoke. It’s hard to do these little things now. Especially when everything I do, think and feel brings a memory or ten to mind. As I write this, I realize that I’m just plain not hungry. I only survived my morning because there were things to do. And now that the dust is settling, I’m arriving at the realization that this is real, the thing that I’ve been dreading for the past 4 years is really happening and I can’t run away from them any more.

I thought that I’d be ok with it this time knowing that we’ve come a long way. Guess you can’t really prepare yourself for these kinds of things. I can’t even say for sure that it would’ve been easier or harder if the wait hadn’t been this long. All the same, at least we had the time together. There are others who are in far worse positions than I am and I feel guilty for all this self pity but I think I’m entitled to it.

I think I took time for granted. I don’t think I treasured it enough even though I spent almost all my free time with him or how sometimes I’d get angry for no reason or I’d lash out at everyone and everything around me.

At the end of the day it’s a good thing. This new opportunity I mean. Granted the track record isn’t exactly stellar but I’m not going to say that it’s going to be the same as the others because I know without a fraction of a doubt that it’s not. A part of me is convinced that it’s because I’m not there. I’m not there to distract him from what needs to be done. I’m quite self hating in that sense.

This was why I never wanted to fall in love again though. I hate the sadness with an absolute passion and I hate the emptiness even more. It’s much easier to be angry with people.

I miss you Sanjay. I miss you more than my tears can say.

I am only going to say this one last time. *I think*

But still it's a pretty damned big deal to me.

1. My future is in my hands.
2. If I don't like something I will fight to change it.
3. I believe that the things that matter are worth fighting for. Even if I die trying.

Perhaps this is how you will try to take that which does not belong to you. By turning us against each other you've found a good idea. Congratulations, you found my weak spot. But you will know that there is no taking away what is mine. If I go down, I'll fucking take you with me.

in all honesty, when will the yuckiness end?!

Another long long while.

Bali was fabulous. I had so much fun! Thank you Sanjay for going with me  Granted we did get sick but for the most part I was happy I got to spend time away from everything else.

So Sunday I was at Peter’s wedding. Pretty much hung out with Luke and Tristan all day. Ended up drinking lots of wine and ended up with a massive headache after having walked out in the sun. So much for catching a movie as planned.

I sound very rushed and disjointed, I know. I’m still not feeling all together well. I can’t stare at the screen for too long. God knows how I managed leveling and instances really. I’m still having a massive headache, body is aching and water tastes metallic. Not entirely sure what’s wrong with me but I think I just need rest.

As usual I’m just pushing my body a bit too far and I suppose I won’t be trying out the water diet today. If I already can’t focus the water only thing will probably be the end of me :P That or my colleagues won’t know how to handle me haha!

The past week has made me realize how entirely unsatisfied I really am about what I’m doing with myself here. I thought that this might’ve been it and I was happy and good at what I was doing. Nothing like a big slap in the face to tell me otherwise. Benefit is, I’m still young and I’ve still got time to turn it around and fix it right? I hope.

I got away and while it may not sound like much of an achievement, I was really glad that I managed to afford my own holiday and not have to rely on any one to pay for randomness for me coz I had the cash to do it myself. It’s really fulfilling in a weird way to be self reliant. Kinda. But it also showed me one thing – that when I get to do the things I want and prove to myself that I can do it with minimal help I feel so much better about myself. And now that I’m back here I’m beginning to wonder if I have that kind of avenue.

On the way to work today I was listening to shuffled music as usual and for some reason the theme from 3 Musketeers bothered me a lot more than it used to. I like Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart. No real opinion on Sting, no offence but whatever. And I’ve listened to the song so many times but this morning just listening to it put me in a funk. I have yet to figure out why.

I think that maybe I need to just take a couple of days off to just rest and do whatever. It sounds dumb I know but it feels like I need a holiday from my holiday. Does that make sense? Coz every time I go on some trip or other I always come back wanting a rest and just time to do my own things. Sadly the problem with home now that while I have the freedom to do whatever whenever, I always feel obligated to do randomness that I don’t really want to. Before, I could just stay in and totally isolate myself. With my housemates in Melbourne I could do just that, have people around me but not feel as though I have to sit and make small talk. With Sanjay it’s really easy though, we both have our own things and I’m fine with us doing different things at the same time. We used to do that so often. Granted that it’s mostly me playing game and him watching the tele or napping or playing games himself :P But that’s the thing, it’s like a stress-free togetherness whereas here, while we can do that it’s the time spent moving from one place to another get what I mean? I swear I think I have to cart my laptop around from now on.

In the office I’m pretty much autonomous but I feel like I really lack direction. I get the sourcing for new business thing. I know how to cold call, I can present things to clients but at the end of the day, I’m still pretty wet behind the ears pitching to them. I can handle the existing accounts but I hate pushing people for the things that I need to get the job done. I prefer to be able to do things myself instead of having to wait for 10,000 other things and peoples and always have to bend backwards. I get that you’re busy and that you have shit to do as well but you aren’t the only ones with deadlines damnit. And because you screw with my deadlines I have to screw back with yours. See the vicious cycle? Just because I don’t yell at you doesn’t make it ok to just walk all over me.

I’m at a point where I wonder if it’s the job the industry or just here that I’m getting tired of because I have SO MUCH TIME on my hands. I know that I could spend the entire day cold calling but what’s the point when I don’t even have a basis of a direction? The whole abandoned orphan syndrome is star ting all over again and couple that with the deep yuckiness that I’m feeling in my gut?

Sanjay attributes this to my being sick and my stubbornness not to see a doctor. As it is I’m sick so often it’s crazy. Not to mention a lot of people think that I just make shit up to tell the doctor so that I get out of going to work. Honestly, I CAN take leave idiots. Why would I spend 30-40 a pop to get a day off work?! Seriously I’m not that stupid….

I’m ranting because I’m still feeling off. I want to hang out with friends but I feel obligated to stay home. I really want a hug but I also want to sleep. I need rest but I have to force myself to stay awake and appear productive even though my productivity has sunken below anything I’ve ever imagined. I want so much to be in love with what I’m doing again.

I thought that was cute. I blog when I have something distinctive to say but some how it always comes out in sporadic drips and drabs that no one quite understands. I wish that I could materialize what I think and how I feel.

It might make things a little easier if I did. I want to write more. I really do. And this is my small-ish effort.