Scream

It has been less than 2 months into the new year. I remember new year's day itself. Just a few minutes into it. I remember thinking to myself that I already hated it. Lunar New Year was worse. Most people are happy knowing that they're right. I on the other hand hate it. I hate it so much that it hurts. I hate knowing things will happen and still not be able to do anything about it. But what I hate more is knowing that no matter how much I fight I'll still lose.

Yet I still find myself at square one. Stubborn as ever. Still hoping for something that I don't think I can ever have. Something that I want more than anything in the world. Something I'd still give up everything for. Well not something but you know what I mean. I understand everything but it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to accept it let alone believe it's all real.

I can't bring myself to say it. I can form the words in my mouth. It hurts too much to even think of it. I guess if I don't say it then it can't be true. I don't want to say it because I still hope that it can be fixed and that things will work out how I believe they should. Because the one thing I don't understand is why something so pure, so beautiful can be so... wrong. Why does it have to be this way? WHY? I just don't understand that. I don't understand how it could pan out this way of all ways to pan out it just had to be the most painful. Why this way of all ways that is in itself the hardest to deal with.

I hate that I can't bring myself to say it out loud to someone else because I really need someone to talk to. I really need someone to help me because I've pretty much fallen off the highest cliff imaginable. I hate that you had to resort to this. To methods that make no rational sense. I cannot accept that you acknowledge your mistake and yet you do nothing to fix it. But instead just say that it's your mistake to live with. I hate that everything you say to me sounds so contradictory. It's as though you never meant any of the things you said. As though I were nothing more than dust, as though I never mattered. It will hurt you more to see all this but I cannot stop myself. This is the only place where I can speak of things not quite as freely as I'd like but it's the only place that I can seek any kind of refuge from a life that has been meaningless for the past 6 years. At least for the past 2 or a little less I thought that things just might be worth while but as it turns out it wasn't quite it.

Most of all, I hate myself. I hate myself for letting this happen. Again. I hate myself for allowing this pain in. I hate the fact that I reopened that door again. I never want to feel it again. I never want to have to deal with this anymore. I hate that no matter what I say I will still care too much to give up. I see it. I can see what could have been. I still see it. It's so close and yet so far out of reach that it's killing me. I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. And the only way how is something that's out of the question.

What other way do I have left? To sit here alone unable to talk to anyone about anything that matters? To pretend all over again that nothing is wrong? Honestly, look at me. Can you really believe that I am ok? Can any of you look at me or talk to me and believe that I don't feel the pain of everything that has happened? Of how more than ever I want to stop. But I can't. Because I can't bring myself to give up. My heart won't allow me even as it's dying it won't allow me.

Tell me then. How this works. You've been so forthcoming with making all these decisions haven't you? Tell me then all knowing one. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? What the fuck am I supposed to do to stop the pain, to stop the tears? Do you want me to grow cold again? You can't possibly know what that means.

I am so afraid of sleeping. Every dream I have is of you. And it hurts even more waking up. Knowing that it never happened. I wish you could see what this is doing to me. I wish that someone. ANYONE. Please... help me.

I give up. again! when you want help I have to drop everything regardless of how important it is or how I'm feeling. I ask for help and you tell you're too busy or it's something i have to do myself? honestly. It's no wonder that I blog when I'm pissed off. I begin to think I should just stick to writing when I'm angry. I seem to have a lot more to say when I am.