FCUK - no, I do not refer to the French Connection.

Hey hey hey... Just got home... Ah... The live of the socially deprived due to strange limits on time spent outside the home more commonly known as curfew. Fucked up. Sigh... I'm in a very bad mood. Don't feel like doing anything. Rather I'd just stayed in one place today. Should've brought my guitar. I begin to doubt everything.

I can't help it that I'm insecure can I? A part of me feels like it died today. Like I'm seriously pushing a barrier that just wasn't meant to be pushed. Ok... So I'm talking in circles again. I don't know how things got the way they are now. I don't know how I can put up with it. I don't know how you can.

Anyways, I hung out with Jed again today. His mom is funny. :) Heck, I like his family. At least they're a lot more open about things. I can't stand people who pass judgments on others who they don't even know. I mean, I get so cheesed when I hear people say shit about someone else when they don't even make a fucking effort to find out what kind of person the person they're bitching about is. Sure I've been guilty of the same thing. But the minute someone points out that I'm doing shit like that I stop or at least try to. I make every effort to make things work. I find myself fighting so hard. But for what? Is it worth it? Doesn't seem like it does.

I hate people who just tell you shit so that you shut up. Shit just so that you'll temporarily be ok again when ultimately, reality bites and nothing is ok. NOTHING is ok. Because NOTHING has changed at all. Sickening.

I hate friends who only turn up when they want or need something from you. How many times have people warmed up to me coz they want me to do shit for them? Countless. At least I've got a core group of people who do care. Or at least i think they do. Please don't take this as an attack on you coz it's not. I'm just really out of touch because I hate people making use of me. And I hate people making use of my friends. But I count myself lucky. Because at least I do have people who do give a shit about me. Or at least I hope they do. And the best part is, I still have my family. Someone I really respect once said to me the love of your family isn't something that everyone has. It's a gift. Something special. Something that few have. Let's call this person erm... Z. Haha... Yea, Z is someone I have an immense amount of respect for. He's a person I trust. He's like family to me. Not like a brother sister kinda thing though. It's hard to explain? Let me put it this way, I would raise hell on earth for Z. It's really sad that things that are happening are so fucked up. I was at the point where I thought that things were good coz I found someone else who I can depend on. Turns out that shit happened and long story short, the friendship we had was stressed. It's ok now I guess. Sometimes it still feels a little raw. But I think that all in all, Z is the one person who can hurt me the most.

Jed is such an amazing person. Sure he's a lot like me. We've got the same weird habits. And this is excluding the love of cats. :) But I shan't go into that. It'll take all the space on the net to fully describe everything! Maybe even more! Thinking of them makes me feel so weird. Think being warmed up from the inside. Yes people, start being scared. MeL's gone mushy haha. I'm in a mushy mood what can I say.

But as mushy as I am, I'm still dying inside. I still feel torn. Why? Uni. School. My other life. A whole world that takes centre stage. And all the people I'm leaving behind me. It's scarey. I don't want to leave them behind. I want them to be a part of my life but things are so different that I don't even know if it can be done. I'm so different a person. I may not like what people say about them but truth be told, i know it's true. And it hurts me a lot to see them upset and even worse when I can't help. And on top of all this, to the fucker who just won't leave me alone:

You can go fuck yourself for all I care. Go on, try something funny. I dare you. Go right ahead you piece of crap. See if anyone will give a shit about you and your overly childish and whiney ways. You are a poor excuse for a human being. I'm not denying that I'm any better considering I let the likes of you get to me. But all the same, get a fucking clue. It's not going to work. Open your fucking eyes. I don't want you in my life. Please, leave me the hell alone. If you cared so much, then leave. It's enough that you bother me but if that's not important, you bother Jed. If you care one bit about my happiness or his (for what reason I'd rather not know), then please go away. PLEASE. You only complicate things.

MeL watches you.

Love ya!