sanity compromised.

You leave a trail behind you wherever you go
It can't be seen and it can't be erased
A memory of distant times and lost thoughts
Of scattered dreams and shattered hopes

There my attempts at writing something that makes some kind of sense. I'm tied. Exhausted. A little disoriented with myself at the moment. Contented and discontented at the same time. Muddled if anything. I'll feel better when he returns. Some have that calming effect on me. Keeps me going when all else is failing.

i tried writing my paper again today. I have to clock in about 500-600 more words. Then I can start editing it and make it make some semblance of sense. I sent it to my mother who decided that it needed grammatical intervention. Sure I had a few typing errors here and there but I think I got a little miffed when she tried to change my writing style because she had to read this one particular bit a few times before grasping what I was trying to put across. Strange. I have never had someone say that about my essays/articles/whatever before.

I'm flawed. I know I am. I welcome the fact that I am. I don't want to be perfect for anyone. I just want to be perfectly me. And I think I'm very capable of that. But why then do I still feeling that aching emptiness. It usually blows over after a while. My body feels like it's burning out. Perhaps it's got something to do with the way I'm living my life right now. I'm loafing around so much that I'm afraid I'll get used to it.

I am angry. At myself. For not being able to be me. I'm still hiding behind a mask, problems, sugar coating stupid things and making them seem ok again when they really aren't. But it's just my way of trying to make them ok. It takes a lot of time and energy out of me.

Anyways, welcome back home Alex. I wish I were home too. It's my fault for sending away the one thing that has kept me grounded. I've grown too dependent. I need to learn to live without depending on other people. Sure the happiness of my loved ones matter a lot to me. But... I've let it come to a point where it's taking over my conscious. I love you. I really do. And I miss you so much it hurts. It's only been a while too.