I hate the fact that I'm pulling myself down. It's not that I like where I am now. It's not fulfilling you know, having nothing to do all day but sit around watching videos and playing games. And I hate that I'm a different person depending on the company. I wish I could just be me but you know, it's been so long since I've torn away all my masks and just let myself shine. I guess a part of me is still afraid of letting the world see who I really am. It's that invisible pseudo halo that I'm hanging onto. It's not like there are horns left. It's a bit of both I think, but that's just me. When on earth did I become so afraid of what people will think? Since when did I have the need to prove myself to anyone. I feel so... blind. Not really jaded because there is a lot out there that's waiting just for me. So many things that I could be doing. I don't really have anyone else to blame but myself on that. I'm the only one that's stopping me aren't I. I just hope that I don't run out of time. Knowing the problem is only the first in many steps to the solution right? I find myself back at square one. Do I really need the mundane adult life that everyone else deals with to find myself? Or is my prejudice completely and utterly flawed.

I know that when I get my feet grounded again I can be everything that I want to be. I already am everything that you need. Minus one thing. The confidence that I have wavers a bit too much for my liking and yours as well. I can't afford to keep breaking down every time something goes wrong right? You can't be there to save me all the time. Although sometimes I just need someone to see...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just being watched. Like someone out there's taking great amusement in every fall and every tear and scorning me for each smile. But lets face facts, who really has time these days? I can't help but feel that I am destined for greatness. Funny thing, I think I found my destiny. Kinda. I just haven't quite figured out what to do with it yet. I need to be stronger than I am now. If that's possible. But I think I'll get there. On my own. Eventually. Like I said, I hope I'm not too late. If I know one thing for sure, I'm not going to stop believing. In what I stand for, in what I have going for me, for us. In general of course.

I'm not the innocent little girl you think I am. I'm not the devil you think I might end up being either.

You are my destiny. Nothing can change that now. I'm sure of it this time.