I cannot. I can't do it. I can't just stop. A part of me really wants to. A part of me wants to hold on and never let go of what I have but I know that I'll have to. Some may see this as a huge mistake but you know what? In the long run, it will never be one to me. It isn't without its imperfections. It's not what anyone or even I ever dared to dream of. But it is no dream. It is real. And I'm afraid that it will be ripped from me.

It's all still very unbelievable to me. This time has been so short and yet it feels like it's been forever. It usually takes a lot longer to come to this kind of decision and it takes even longer to be ready to follow it through. But I know myself. And despite all that rubbish that I keep saying, here's the real deal. I am not afraid to take that step. I am not afraid to make that choice. Here's what I'm really afraid of. That the choice won't be offered to me. That I'm not good enough or that I don't deserve it.

The choice itself is an easy one. What comes next is the hard part. I can't deal with this right now. I'm so very afraid of losing my grip on reality. I don't even know where all these thoughts are coming from. It feels like I want to tear myself apart just so that I won't have to deal with it. I never thought that I could feel like this again. But that's just it. When things are going so smoothly, something will always come to screw it up. And let's just face facts, most of the time it's not something that's coming. It's something that I end up doing. I'm self-destructive that way.

I know that I need help. I've known it all along. The only problem is, I never think that someone would be able to waste their time on me. I don't believe that people genuinely care. Because if I do, then what's going to happen when it happens again? I can't always be dependent on someone else to come to my rescue can I?

I just know that nothing can stop me. I will keep fighting until one day I win or at least I know that I died trying. If I were gone, would you miss me.