You know... I'm happy I got my powerbook back. And... I can't help but feel... Different. More different than I have before. This trip back home has so far been filled with mixed feelings. I'm scared again. More scared now than I've ever been before. I feel like an emotional trainwreck waiting to collide into nothingness.

I really need to stop watching those sappy feel good movies. I really need to stop being such a nihilist. I need to stop being so caught up with everything that I can't handle knowing what I have to do. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to stop being this happy in imperfection. I don't want to give up. I REALLY don't want to give all this up. And I have no more sollace in anything. Nothing helps anymore.

While I understand what needs to be done, it doesn't mean I have to accept it right? It'll be the easier thing to do. But I can't take that easy road out. I can't do it now, I'm already in too deep. I would give everything. Anything.

If only you could hear me scream.
If only you could see my pain.
If only I knew how to stay