and again

There it is, that sick feeling at the bottom of my gut. The feeling I abhore. The feeling that I hate with a vengence. I'm leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow. A holiday within the holiday. Honestly, I feel... suffocated. Very very suffocated.

I had one of those dreams last night. One of those blissfully happy ones. The ones that you know will never come true no matter how much you wish it. But even so, you can't help but fantasize and dream about it. Long for it. Touch it because it feels so darned close. You keep trying to reach and reach and reach but you know that it'll never be yours. It's like the one thing you want is being dangled in front of your face from every angle you can think of. Taunting you. Laughing in your face. And I hate it. I hate it so damned much. For as much as I am happy now, I know it can't last. I know it won't last. And no matter how much I gear myself up for the pain that I will eventually have to face, nothing is going to help ease it. Not anymore. Not when I'm already in too deep. Not when I find myself screaming uncontrollably as the tears rush down my face preventing me from staying sane. Making think and say irrational things to cover up all the stuff that's going in circles in my head. Things that I can't wanna think about. Things that I used to take for granted.

Why give me something so wonderful if your only going to let me have for a while and then snatch it away from me? Why give me something that nothing can replace and take it back. Why torture me. Why give me the few mintues of happiness and the eternity of pain. Are you really that cruel? You know I'm angry and you know what I have to face now. Is this really what you had planned out for me?

There's nothing I can wish for that's realisitic anymore. Even my heart seems so trivial now. As if I am unworthy of lasting joy.

I find myself having thoughts of spreading my arms to free fall, wanting to fly and failing.