The Mind Deteriorates and the Body Gives In

I learnt a great deal of things about what I am and what I'm supposed to be. People do fall. If they didn't nobody would know any better. Those of us who does not know what it is like to have your happiness snatched away from you will never be able to fully appreciate it.

I can't say that I have experienced the shittiest of things but i do know this, sometimes my secrecy is the one thing that kills me on the inside. I was at Paragon having coffee with old friends when suddenly the topic of the Australian man who was hung recently some how surfaced. Many of them were so adamant that these people shouldn't be killed. I suppose they shouldn't be. despite everything I stand for. My belief on this issue is a contradiction to say the least. But that's not the point is it?

I can't stand it when people who don't understand things just make random comments without any regard for those around them. They don't know how badly affected I am when people start talking about drugs. They don't know how hard it is for someone with a problem to admit there's something wrong and get help. Just look at me, I've been trying to fucking quit smoking for the longest time and yet I can't. What's more someone addicted to drugs. I don't know whether they should be killed or not, that's not my decision. I certainly hope they can be helped. Another incident of similar nature but different topic occurred a little over a week ago. When someone said something that they should never have. Stereotyping and type-casting is typical. But to condemn people? Ok fine, condemnation is too strong a word but it sure as hell feels that way. The worst thing is, this person knows people like those that they are 'condemning'. How can you be best friends with someone and yet think that way? What did you honestly expect me to say?

I don't like it when people toy with my mind. I don't like it one bit when they accuse me of doing things that I have not. I particularly hate it when they instigate that I did something that i shouldn't have. But most of all I hate it when they aren't sorry for it and yet expect things to be ok. I'm sorry that you're not sorry. Perhaps your ego has just booted you off any kind of friendship we ever had. You talk about us like it was wonderful when it wasn't. You made it sound like it was totally my fault. I'm sure you know why what happened happened. Or are you really too damned proud to admit it to yourself? I already told you I'm not perfect. That I come with flaws. Take it or leave it. I don't change over night. I don't stop caring about people easily. Yes, I do care about both of you. But perhaps in very different ways. Just because I say I love someone does not mean that I want to one day marry them and have their children. Please, we're not 5 any more. At least I'm not. I'm fucking twenty years old. Not twenteen and most definitely not two with a zero added at the back. Twenty. How old are you? Really?

Christmas is coming and I feel shittier than ever. I still have a great deal of things to get. And I have no more cash. Yes, I've spent it all. I don't know why I did but I did. I normally make sure I've gotten everyone's gift before indulging in the things that I want. But somehow this year I just didn't. Books, movies and cigarettes. Books and movies are fine I suppose but if you people aren't happy with the fact that I smoke you have no idea how much I land up kicking myself for it. It's a fucking addiction and it's not easy to bring myself to come off it. I try. I remind myself constantly of it. I don't want to land up becoming one of those people that grows up and doesn't know how to tell their kids that smoking is bad but mommy can smoke because she's grown up or she knows better or whatever. I never want to have my own kids suffer the way I'm suffering. I don't want them to ever have to know what it's like to be degraded to this state. I don't want them to be afraid of falling. I don't ever want to have to force them to believe in something they don't want to. And yet I never want to have to force them to make that choice between what they want, what mommy and daddy wants and what God wants. I never want them to have to live through a minute of that. And yet, I do. But I hope to God that they'll have people to turn to in the event of these things.

Look at me, talking about the future and children. Now we know that there's really something wrong with me.