I remember what it's like to not be able to move. To be unable to lift a finger. To want to scream but my lips won't move. I remember what it felt like to be paralysed. To be in an odd schizophrenic state. I remember what it was like when I lost control, when I lost my mind. I remember fighting so hard to get it back. Every time I think I'm about to lose myself, I'm forced to fight. Because I refuse to give up. Because giving up is not what I am. Avoiding a situation is not me. I look, I do, I focus, I deal. That is how I've lived. That's how I managed to get by for this long.

It's not that it doesn't bother me, it still does to this day. The pain I felt all those years ago. It still lingers. I haven't really repressed it nor have I tried to forget it. In fact, I make myself remember. It's just that today was the first time that I closed my eyes and I could see it. That's what I dreamt about.

I was locked down again. But into a position where I was helpless against a virus that would not leave. A virus with a will like my own. I woke up feeling intense hatred and anger. But that's the thing. I knew that I wasn't going to let it win. It's a part of me. It's within me. An inner demon if you will. One that rarely surfaces but is always in the current. But after really thinking about it, as much as it hurt, or as much as I wished it never happened to me, I'm partly glad that it did. The only thing that I have to say is, I'm sorry that it took me all of 8 years to realise it. To fully understand what it taught me.

I'm not being a masochist when I say that I'd live through it all over again. Because if it were to repeat, I know now what I did not know then. Back then I kept it in, I never let anyone see how much I was suffering. I suppose it's that part of me that hasn't changed. It was born partly from not wanting people to despair on my behalf and the selfishness that no one could understand and no one would be able to help even if they tried. But that's the beauty of people, of friends, family, people I love. They often surprise you in strange ways when you give them the chance to. And in a strange way, this other side of me is just like that. It's a defence mechanism, it's a comfort zone, it's love, it's hate, it's everything. It's not quite me and yet it's in me. It's the light that I see when I wake up and it's the darkness that takes me to what matters most. It's in the people you look at, it's in the flowers and the rain. It's in the laughter and the tears of complete strangers, in friends and even in adversaries. It's a drive. It's there to bring equilibrium. And perhaps now you will know why I loved the phrase "undying equilibrium". The everlasting balance that is me.