the fine line between truth and lies

Why is it that I feel like I’ve betrayed him? Why do I still feel responsible for someone that I no longer answer to? Is it because I feel like I’ve betrayed myself? Has my conscience grown that much since I’ve come here? Before, things like this would never have bothered me. I mean, once isn’t ok but for the sake of this discussion let’s just say that once was all right. Twice?! THRICE? NO! FOUR TIMES. Yea. You’d think I would have learned by now.

Perhaps that is why I have been completely off my rocker over the past few days. I don’t know what to do really. I at least got one off my back and the other is too far away for me to even take notice but this once is right here. Right now. Staring me in the eye. Maybe it is better this way and maybe it isn’t but all the same it’s infuriating. Why is it that one night I think that I’ve got a game plan and come the next night, it’s all gone?

Do I really see him as just a substitute? Heh… What would Luke say? I know what he would do if he were in my position but what would he say? Talking about choices is a whole lot easier than actually following through with them. Seriously.

I feel like I’ve let him down. Let myself down. Why did I call him my boyfriend you may ask? To get one of the assholes off my back and it worked. And yet even though I know it’s nothing, I feel responsible and incredibly guilty. I did let you down didn’t I Jed? I’ve really done it this time. I’ve lost count with the number of stupid things you and I have both done. Heck I can barely remember the stupid things I’ve done for that matter but yea. I give up. Parts of me don’t want to think about it. Parts of me just want to give up on everything altogether.

Please don’t forget me. Don’t forget, I’m coming home.