Hypocrites, Love and Friendships

Luke called today. Woke me up. Haha... It's ok I guess. I should've gotten up easlier than 1210 anyways? My favourite CDs are all with Rick at the moment. I have no doubt I'll get them back in one piece... I'm supposed to have met Saf for dinner. But I'm going with my parents. I think they're angry with me. Probably disappointed. I mean it's not easy having the weight of all their expectations on my shoulders. It's not like I want to screw up. I just wish that I weren't such a loser sometimes. I don't mean to be a complete academic idiot. It's not like I'm not working hard. It's not like I want to be like this.

Why is it that people look at me and think I'm so much more than I really am? Why can't they see that I'm just like them? That I'm just human? I feel like I'm going numb. I wish I didn't have to prove myself to everybody ever so often. I wish that people weren't so superficial. I'm not the kind of person who be understood by just looking at my face. That last line didn't seem to make much sense did it?

I realise what kind of place we live in. This world is just too full of stryfe. Why is it that people just don't see that... Why is it that we all have to suffer so much before one person realises it? And then that one person can't do anything because no matter how much they try, no one is listening... Even so, they just return to their normal lives a day or two after seeing what the world is becoming.

I'm beginning to think that the freedom that was given to us is nothing but a complete facade. You can't do anything without having to answer to someone. For example, if I choose to drink a bottle of Vodka straight right now, I'd have to explain to someone why I did it. Why I did such a 'stupid' thing. When people die, the police and forensics always try to find out why. More often than not it might have been natural and no one's fault. But ultimately there's always someone who gets blamed. And someone who wastes away from it. Even if you look on the flip side where you do things like just smile, people will ask you why. Sometimes I look at my friends a small smile plays on the side of my lips just because I'm happy that I've got someone to talk to or more importantly, someone that I can trust and depend on. Sometimes they ask why. And if I told them just that, it's usually always misunderstood. Sometimes I feel like just buying things for people. Just to give them something. It's not like I'm buying their friendship. I haven't expected anything in return at all. And yet... people think there's always some ulterior motive to it.

Everything's so hypocritical. Even me. Dumb isn't it? I hate hypocrites and yet here I am. Look at what I'm doing. I'm in an industry that works by the ability to perform and the understanding of how things are done. Basically an industry that always tried to portray itself as one that doesn't depend on academic credits or how many A's you got in an exam. And yet... Here it is, doing just that. You get all kinds of bodies talking about how we as an organization, as part of the world, shouldn't just be academically smart but also street smart, application smart. So much for that. Maybe I'm just a spoilt brat? Maybe I'm just being a wet blanket. But... I don't like this at all. It's not just some joke. It's not funny.

I don't understand why people can't just be happy for each other instead of having to complain and complain and be jealous or envious. I don't understand why I'm like that sometimes. Isn't there already too much for people to deal with? Isn't it enough? Even with love. Whatever it is. Why can't people just be happy for each other. Technically we're all friends right? Even people who are enemies... What's the bloody point in hating each other? It's just so damned draining. I believe in love. Or at least I try. But it's hard sometimes when you don't know what going on. When things are just too complicated. I don't really like things to be this messy. And yet, it's sometimes the only way that things can be.