Yesterday I cried

Officially I've been with FX Media working my butt of for 2 weeks. So far, I've not given in to any of the shit I've had to go through. From things like a total change of environment, a totally new life style. Waking up in the morning and telling people I'm going to work. First day was murder. I swear I had to stop myself from crying a million and one times. But at least before I went in I got a chance to really have fun. Went to watch Helsing with Kenny, Luke, Rick and Marissa. It was ok I guess. We watched Natural Born Killers on my computer, I bought loads of flowers... I have no regrets I guess. Plus, what better way to spend my last weekend then with my best friends? Even though I was totally exhausted by the time it was all over. (Somewhere between 7-8am)

Work is not too bad. So far... I think I've worked on 2 projects? One major one and one not so. Not to mention I went to the Singapore Expo to take on site pictures! I spent a whole afternoon running around fighting through crowds of people to get good pictures in the sweltering heat. I mean, initially I was really depressed about work and all that but it turns out that it's really not to bad once I get used to it. And wouldn't you believe it, I've not yelled or told off anyone! I mean yea I get pissed from time to time but so far my temper has been in check. And with this new change, I've had time to really think about what I've been doing all these years. Sure it eats up all my time but amazingly I can find time to write. A lot.

Emotionally... I'm pretty ok now compared to how I was before. I mean I've spent the good part of my life just Running. I can't help it. Or maybe I can and I just don't want to even try and as a result have been living my life in SERIOUS denial. Which is quite possible... Think about it. From friends to really good friends to going out to fighting to being friends to fighting to really messy and confusing situations... It's kinda too much for me to handle. Everyone probably thinks I'm seriously dumb but it's who I am. Can't help it very much can I? It's not just me anymore. It takes 2 doesn't it. I don't really care if you know who you are or if you think this is stupid. I just need you to know that it still hurts. A lot. And I'm trying very hard to stop it regardless of everything. I'm sure you understand right? It was an agreement and neither of us said anything against it. This is my only way of being able to say it straight to you. Coz I know the chances of you reading are... Well near zero. You don't really care about this kinda thing anyways. If I'm stupid so be it. If I can't go through with this so be it. If you don't understand than it's just to bad. And if you find someone else then I'm happy for you even if I seem upset or jerky. Because if there's one thing I've figured out about love is that it's not just about intimate relations or about hugging or kissing or fucking. It's about about being there. About having someone to talk to. Someone to laugh with, cry with, bitch at, aruge with and someone to spend a life time with. And I have people like that. I have the greatest friends in the world. Heck, most of the time, you fit the profile too. In a sense I'm not really looking for someone. I'm just gonna let someone find me. (Oh yea sure, who's gonna wanna date MeL! sheesh! I wouldn't date me!) Anyways, until you find someone who can do all that and more, I'm just sticking around. Not as someone special but just as a friend, a girl, as me. If you'll notice, I'd do a lot of things for you. Not just you in fact. All you really have to do is ask. Sure you've asked for stuff before. But... that was like what... 1 or 2 years ago? Heh... No one asks, no one really cares enough. It's kinda depressing though... Quite pathetic that it's my nature to give until I have nothing left. And in having nothign left, I will give without expecting anything in return until I am nothingness. I may hope for you to see it but I don't expect it. What we have is different. It's complicated. But it's special none the less. At least we're friends now right? I'm still trying to stop.

Er... oooooook... Moving on....

I've been spending my money like crazy. I've been on a giant buy everything in sight spree. At least someone benefitted from it eh? ;)

I dunno why I do the things I do. I just do it ok? So yea... It's not like anything's changed. Everything's still the same as it was before so please don't think that something's up. In fact, if it really is anything, I'm beginning to understand how important you are to me and how bad I feel for totally under appreciating you. God, I sound like an idiot now. I'm not trying to buy your friendship or anything... Argh!! This is so not coming out right. I'm sorry... I dunno... I just think about everything that we've gone through and I cannot imagine having gone through it with anyone else, I can't imagine having to replace you with someone else. It simply cannot be done. And even if it could be, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't give you up for anything in the world. I don't know if you know that but yea... Again I stress, nothing has changed. I swear. I just need a friend now ok? There's a lot happening and I've never felt more alone in my life. It's really cool that I've got someone to bitch with, someone to splurge on and someone who totally understands where I'm coming from. Even though what I say doesn't necessarily come out the right way... Just ike this! :P I lurve you man!! I've like seriously been doing a LOT of thinking and I'm dead serious about all this. I mean, what am I supposed to do if the one person who's thoughtful enough to surprise me and keep a smile on my face all day at work until I begin to feel really dumb for smiling and the computer screen all day long........ Oh er, I think I'll be taking off the pic I use on MSN ya? People are SERIOUSLY getting the WRONG ideas!! Haha! Hmm... I know this is like private and shit and I shouldn't be letting the whole world read it etc etc but haha! I don't really give a shit anymore. As far as I'm concerned, you know what I'm talking about and I know what I'm talking about. (I hope.) Either way, I wanted to let you know how much I really am greatful for you being there. You're a God sent Angel. MINE! hehe! Yea right! Promise me one thing though, don't let anything get you down. You're one of the best kinds of people I know. Any better a person and you'd be perfect. I mean it.

What is up with everybody thinking that I'm going out with someone?! I AM NOT!!! I HAVE NOT BEEN!!!! UGH... And please, stop implying or telling me that you think that I'll go out with such and such a person coz it's getting very irritating to hear you go on about it when clearly I have no real interest in them at all!!! Like my life isn't complicated enough without a tonne of other people trying to tell me what to do and how to think. I'm fine with the fact that it's your opinion and your entitled to it. And yes I usually proclaim that you should just tell me shit to my face instead of talking about it behind my back. I get that you care about me. I'm greatful that you think I'm that wonderful a person who all these people might have a possible futire with. But what you don't understand is what I'm going through and how these implications no matter how small or how insignificant they seem to you, are big deals to me. It's not that your're putting ideas into my head or anything. I have many ideas of my own without your help. (Makes you wonder what kinda person I am doesn't it...) But really, thank you for thinking I'm the person who I cannot believe myself to be.

And to the rest of the world who are even CONSIDERING bugging me about work, THINK AGAIN! I AM BUSY! I'm sorry I happen to have a bigger evidently more eventful life than you do. And if you think that it's a purely social one, THINK AGAIN. I can't remember the last time I had a day to myself. I spend all my time doing one thing or another for someone else. The only time I have to myself is when I'm sleeping!!!!

And a last note...

It hurts to have you around.
It's just as bad when you're not.
It kills me when I speak to you when you want to speak to me.
It slashes me to shreds when you don't.
I feel like dying when you can't find it in you to tell me the truth.
I feel so worthless when you do coz I know it won't last.
It's cool when we can talk about the thigns we both love.
It's worse when I can't watch movies, sing, design, write, laugh, cry, talk on the phone or even think of the word love. All because all those thigns, all the things i love were and still are the things you love.
Sometimes it's hard to breathe.
Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Sometimes I wish I'd have known.
Sometimes I wish I knew.
Sometimes I wish you could see.
Sometimes I wish you understoof.
Sometimes I wish I could try.
Most of the time I wish that I could die.

I promise to revamp soon.
I promise to add links soon.
I promise to post more often.
I promise to roll over and die.
Be well.