It's been brought to my attention that I seem to have this knack for letting history repeat itself. Note, I let it. Ah well... Annoying isn't it. I'm sick again. Urgh... How'm I supposed to go to Luke's party if I'm sick!!! Damnit... Well on the bright side, I watched Hitch last night with a few close friends. The gang short of one and with one additional. I don't make sense do I? I almost literally broke down in the news room. Nearly made scrap metal of my iPod and PowerBook. Yes, it's getting worse and to top it all off, the one person I thought could help me can't. Every one's a bloody cynic huh. Every one is only interested in themselves. The guys had a strangely interesting conversation. One of them said that he didn't want to fall in love or even love. He just wanted to have fun. Amusing. Is that what he's doing? Because clearly, it's not very fun after all isn't it. But hey, it's not my place to tell them what to and what not to do anymore. Yes, like Luke said, I keep telling you but you don't listen, so don't tell me anymore.

I don't really care anymore. About material shit I mean. So what if I smoke, so what if I drink, so what if I get everything and anything money can buy. So fucking what. What if I said I didn't want all that. Would you believe me? Honestly, I'll tell you one thing. What I want is something money can't buy and something that I'm not about to even try to buy. I don't want to buy it. It's got to be given. What I want has to be sincere and unmasked. What I want has to come without any strings attached. It has to be simple and sweet. And in a strange way innocent but not at the same time. It's a part of who I am now. Be proud of me. I'm really stopping smoking. Yay. But who the fuck really cares eh? Thanks Geoff, you're my babe! Heh... You're undying support means soo much to me.

Lemme say this once and for all. I do things because I want to. Nobody forces me to do anything. I go to class coz I want to, I drink because I want to. And if I wanted to have a baby, there's no stopping me either. But you see, I have my own set of rules to live by. I'm not stupid enough to flunk out, I'm not dumb enough not to cover my tracks if I were gonna be drunk nor do I go around making babies coz it's just not what I want. I've always known that if I wanted something hard enough, I'd be able to get it. On that same note, Hitch is so much of an ego flick than anything. I'm not saying I hated it. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. But I begin to wonder about the side effects it will land up impressing on my compadres. I wonder if they're all like Vance. All out just to fuck. Ridiculous isn't it? The more I think about it the more affirmed I am that I've got wonderfully strange friends. They might do shit that pisses me off sometimes, but so do I. And yet on top of all that, we still stick together. Heh... All in all though, there're some who I just plain want to give up on.

Another interesting thing I was told yesterday was to cut my losses and get out of the house before I get engulfed in the flames. Amusing is it not? I think I just might do that. But for now, I'm just going to see where things head. Aren't I grateful that half the people I know don't need to read my blog to know what's going on with me. Heck, I hardly have to tell them anything for them to know there's something funky going on. Just like how things are happening now.

Ai, you're weird. I like you. But you're still weird. And you're much different from what you were before. You're much more of an open book to me now. And somehow the word male nympho comes to mind. Oh wait... That's just perv. Isn't it amusing that you don't read blogs either? You're adorable and I could love you. Notice how I said could? Exactly. I'm sorry babe, I'm leaving the country. And I won't have a part of myself here or a part of you with me. I don't believe in long distance relationships. They're so full of distrust, doubt and scandals. To the point where the truth is false and in itself, totally and utterly worthless. Sounds pessimistic I know. But really Ai, I've seen it happen. I've felt it happen. So what if I was young when it did. The pure fact that you can even make me think of this is proof enough that this is way too complicated for words. I wish it would or could work. But, know this. I'm stopping because you can't even begin to understand where I'm coming from. My sole purpose in life is not to mess with you.