Psychotic Rock Star

2011-11-28T15:14:00.000+08:00

It's come that point again. In a mere 97 stretch I'm considering throwing in the towel because I simply cannot handle the late nights early mornings and the lack of any semblance of a life.

I've reached a point where all food makes me want to hurl and the thought of having yet another email amidst the 100+++ that are coming in makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

I've been wondering if I'm just being whiney and spoilt from having a relatively easy life without much stress. Or if this is really what's supposed to be happening the way it is now and if this is supposed to be normal because I honestly don't know how much more I can handle or how much more I'm expected to be able to manage.

I'm so sick and tired of people coming to us with their retarded requests expecting us to do their jobs for them. I'm frustrated with people who give us half-past-six work and get upset when we reject it because it wasn't done properly or things that other people sit on and then expect us to push our time lines and beg the clients to give us extensions on.

Breakinng point is the bloody understatement of the next century as it is and I'm beginning to wish I'd just fucking end up in hospital because then, maybe then, someone would just wake up and do something about it.

I hate to say it but guess what, I'm beginning to fucking hate my job so much so that coming to work and doing the actual work is a worse punishment than anything I can think of.

2 can keep a secret if 1 of them is dead

2011-04-07T23:13:00.003+08:00

For as modern a society as we are today, we are still bound by simple and complicated ties as we have had since creation. And that's what this is about. Creation. We are a product of breeding and lineage that swears an allegiance before we are old enough to swear anything at all.

From first breath we are trained to do nothing but obey. Curiosity is frowned upon. Ironic considering children themselves are the most perceptive and curious of creatures. (Yes, creatures.) Strangely enough, we were all at that stage once and yet as we get older we cannot begin to understand what must go through a child's mind. Have we forgotten? I do not believe so, instead we are trained to forget. And this concept transcends into every aspect of our daily lives. We are first trained to obey our parents and then society, with many other things in between. Even as I sit and type, I am bound to obey the laws of grammar and quite frankly I am not sure who trained me for that or when.

I long to be free. As superfluous and impossible as that line is, I still long for it and I don't think I'm any different from the rest in my wanting. More often than not I do feel like I'm nothing more than a waste of space and I miss the simple security I used to have. The loneliness and emptiness is so deafening that the smallest of things can and have set me off.

Having said that, I do not feel the need to be liked/loved by everyone. That's probably the furthest thing from what I'd like. I suppose what I'm really getting at is, where do we stop obeying? At what age do we reach before we are capable of fighting back? When do we stop to say enough is enough? Everybody has a breaking point and I'm not saying that I've reached mine, but what gives person a right to govern over another? Having sired them? I seriously hope not. For whatever future I may behold, if that is what's going to happen, I'd rather end it all right now.

PS: Californication isn't too bad. It's thoroughly annoying but there are times that I find it manageable. However, I do sincerely hope that the people I care of do not turn out that way.

2011-02-18T14:01:00.001+08:00

You know, I couldn’t sleep last night. I think I finally nodded off at 4. I tried to sleep though, really. I tried to keep it together but I couldn’t. Exhaustion from heaving and dehydration probably got to me after a couple of hours.

Ironically I made the journey to work in one piece and ended up caving when I left to have a smoke. It’s hard to do these little things now. Especially when everything I do, think and feel brings a memory or ten to mind. As I write this, I realize that I’m just plain not hungry. I only survived my morning because there were things to do. And now that the dust is settling, I’m arriving at the realization that this is real, the thing that I’ve been dreading for the past 4 years is really happening and I can’t run away from them any more.

I thought that I’d be ok with it this time knowing that we’ve come a long way. Guess you can’t really prepare yourself for these kinds of things. I can’t even say for sure that it would’ve been easier or harder if the wait hadn’t been this long. All the same, at least we had the time together. There are others who are in far worse positions than I am and I feel guilty for all this self pity but I think I’m entitled to it.

I think I took time for granted. I don’t think I treasured it enough even though I spent almost all my free time with him or how sometimes I’d get angry for no reason or I’d lash out at everyone and everything around me.

At the end of the day it’s a good thing. This new opportunity I mean. Granted the track record isn’t exactly stellar but I’m not going to say that it’s going to be the same as the others because I know without a fraction of a doubt that it’s not. A part of me is convinced that it’s because I’m not there. I’m not there to distract him from what needs to be done. I’m quite self hating in that sense.

This was why I never wanted to fall in love again though. I hate the sadness with an absolute passion and I hate the emptiness even more. It’s much easier to be angry with people.

I miss you Sanjay. I miss you more than my tears can say.

2010-12-16T01:50:00.002+08:00

I am only going to say this one last time. *I think*

But still it's a pretty damned big deal to me.

1. My future is in my hands.
2. If I don't like something I will fight to change it.
3. I believe that the things that matter are worth fighting for. Even if I die trying.

Perhaps this is how you will try to take that which does not belong to you. By turning us against each other you've found a good idea. Congratulations, you found my weak spot. But you will know that there is no taking away what is mine. If I go down, I'll fucking take you with me.

in all honesty, when will the yuckiness end?!

2010-12-13T15:14:00.001+08:00

Another long long while.

Bali was fabulous. I had so much fun! Thank you Sanjay for going with me  Granted we did get sick but for the most part I was happy I got to spend time away from everything else.

So Sunday I was at Peter’s wedding. Pretty much hung out with Luke and Tristan all day. Ended up drinking lots of wine and ended up with a massive headache after having walked out in the sun. So much for catching a movie as planned.

I sound very rushed and disjointed, I know. I’m still not feeling all together well. I can’t stare at the screen for too long. God knows how I managed leveling and instances really. I’m still having a massive headache, body is aching and water tastes metallic. Not entirely sure what’s wrong with me but I think I just need rest.

As usual I’m just pushing my body a bit too far and I suppose I won’t be trying out the water diet today. If I already can’t focus the water only thing will probably be the end of me :P That or my colleagues won’t know how to handle me haha!

The past week has made me realize how entirely unsatisfied I really am about what I’m doing with myself here. I thought that this might’ve been it and I was happy and good at what I was doing. Nothing like a big slap in the face to tell me otherwise. Benefit is, I’m still young and I’ve still got time to turn it around and fix it right? I hope.

I got away and while it may not sound like much of an achievement, I was really glad that I managed to afford my own holiday and not have to rely on any one to pay for randomness for me coz I had the cash to do it myself. It’s really fulfilling in a weird way to be self reliant. Kinda. But it also showed me one thing – that when I get to do the things I want and prove to myself that I can do it with minimal help I feel so much better about myself. And now that I’m back here I’m beginning to wonder if I have that kind of avenue.

On the way to work today I was listening to shuffled music as usual and for some reason the theme from 3 Musketeers bothered me a lot more than it used to. I like Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart. No real opinion on Sting, no offence but whatever. And I’ve listened to the song so many times but this morning just listening to it put me in a funk. I have yet to figure out why.

I think that maybe I need to just take a couple of days off to just rest and do whatever. It sounds dumb I know but it feels like I need a holiday from my holiday. Does that make sense? Coz every time I go on some trip or other I always come back wanting a rest and just time to do my own things. Sadly the problem with home now that while I have the freedom to do whatever whenever, I always feel obligated to do randomness that I don’t really want to. Before, I could just stay in and totally isolate myself. With my housemates in Melbourne I could do just that, have people around me but not feel as though I have to sit and make small talk. With Sanjay it’s really easy though, we both have our own things and I’m fine with us doing different things at the same time. We used to do that so often. Granted that it’s mostly me playing game and him watching the tele or napping or playing games himself :P But that’s the thing, it’s like a stress-free togetherness whereas here, while we can do that it’s the time spent moving from one place to another get what I mean? I swear I think I have to cart my laptop around from now on.

In the office I’m pretty much autonomous but I feel like I really lack direction. I get the sourcing for new business thing. I know how to cold call, I can present things to clients but at the end of the day, I’m still pretty wet behind the ears pitching to them. I can handle the existing accounts but I hate pushing people for the things that I need to get the job done. I prefer to be able to do things myself instead of having to wait for 10,000 other things and peoples and always have to bend backwards. I get that you’re busy and that you have shit to do as well but you aren’t the only ones with deadlines damnit. And because you screw with my deadlines I have to screw back with yours. See the vicious cycle? Just because I don’t yell at you doesn’t make it ok to just walk all over me.

I’m at a point where I wonder if it’s the job the industry or just here that I’m getting tired of because I have SO MUCH TIME on my hands. I know that I could spend the entire day cold calling but what’s the point when I don’t even have a basis of a direction? The whole abandoned orphan syndrome is star ting all over again and couple that with the deep yuckiness that I’m feeling in my gut?

Sanjay attributes this to my being sick and my stubbornness not to see a doctor. As it is I’m sick so often it’s crazy. Not to mention a lot of people think that I just make shit up to tell the doctor so that I get out of going to work. Honestly, I CAN take leave idiots. Why would I spend 30-40 a pop to get a day off work?! Seriously I’m not that stupid….

I’m ranting because I’m still feeling off. I want to hang out with friends but I feel obligated to stay home. I really want a hug but I also want to sleep. I need rest but I have to force myself to stay awake and appear productive even though my productivity has sunken below anything I’ve ever imagined. I want so much to be in love with what I’m doing again.

2010-08-17T17:33:00.003+08:00

I thought that was cute. I blog when I have something distinctive to say but some how it always comes out in sporadic drips and drabs that no one quite understands. I wish that I could materialize what I think and how I feel.

It might make things a little easier if I did. I want to write more. I really do. And this is my small-ish effort.

Of morning cranks

2010-07-23T08:33:00.001+08:00

What part of I am not a morning person is so hard to understand? Is it really difficult not to shout? I don't think so.

Don't pretend like you don't know that I care a great deal about what I do. You ought to know better. Don't delude yourself into thinking that you're the only one who brings office banter home or even the trouble looming over your head from one place to another.

You ask me why I always bring that up when we argue? You have the gall to ask me that when you yourself brought it up? If you need to question anything the first person you really should ask is yourself. Only you know your ulterior motives.

Fun for now huh. If that's all it is then what really is the fucking point.

- Posted from my iPhone

2010-06-29T22:29:00.003+08:00

When I was younger I used to look at the future as this vast open space full of infinite possibilities and to put it simple a whole lot of fun. However, these days, the more I think about tomorrow (or even the next 5 seconds) puts me off whatever it is I'm doing. I'm not entirely sure where this is coming from but it's been at the back of my head for a very long time. I'm already at a point where I'm close to giving up because I really don't know what else there is. Or what the point might be.

I used to find some semblance of solace in tears. These days it's a wasted effort, it doesn't help any more and there's no one to really listen to what I have to say. It's like every thing that I am is unimportant and extremely meaningless to the people who claim to care for me the most. Ironic isn't it?

I think that I am a wasted excuse for a person. Another empty shell of a growing disease. Tell me. What is the point now? That's just it. There isn't one. Because no matter how good something is, or how unbelievable, there's ALWAYS going to be a catch that'll drag you lower than you were previously. The sad thing is, it's all that I've got and I don't want to give it up even though it's dragging me further downwards.

As you said, my life is less interesting. Thanks.

2010-06-03T21:59:00.001+08:00

It's been a very long time since I've let myself make the time to sit and just write. Sometimes there's nothing to write about but more often than not, you find that you're thoughts move into a progression and you find yourself at a point where nothing that you can say or try to derive makes sense. A standstill where you're completely lost in your own mind.

I've lived the past year knowing what I wanted in life and I'd wake up in the morning to go to work not knowing where that was going. Now it's the opposite. I know what I want with work. But the rest of my life is in shambles and now I don't want to write anymore.

2010-04-27T07:54:00.002+08:00

I never blog until I'm sad or angry these days. The benefit is no one reads it.

I'm not entirely sure about what I'll do. I've been pushing it aside, denying the fact that it'll happen. That can't be my defensive tactic right? Coz it's a stupid and insane way to deal with things. I can't keep ignoring these things and then crash when it happens. It's not like I got caught unaware.

Truthfully it's been good. Songood that I never want it to end. People end up disappointing you on one front or another and my notasstrictasilike policy of not expecting things of people is nothing short of denial again. What really happens when digital meets traditional?It's a wonderful mix really but traditional doesn't quite live up to it does it? It still doesn't quite live up to my notsupposedtobethere expectations.

I just want you to know that you've made things good for me. Bearable. Calm. And all around beautiful. There I've said it.

The long standing benefit of knowing no one cones here gives me the peace of mind to write what I can't say. Don't leave.

mild irritation in all aspects

2010-03-19T08:42:00.001+08:00

I've been writing and rewriting this stupid post for a couple of days now. And even then I have to write in parts here and there so I decided to scrap the whole damned thing and write a new one.

I think that childishness begets childishness, stupidity begets stupidity etc. So at the end of the day, what happens when we are selfish? What happens when it's all about one person and everyone else can take hike?

Priding yourself on objectiveness and constructive criticism is thrown out the window when you can't answer to your own self. It's like a psych test with those trick questions to ensure that you're telling the truth. And then you fuck up. Because you lied? Possibly. Let's put it this way, you figured out how to stick your own foot in your own mouth.

Brood away. Go ahead, because if I can't be honest about it then there is no point in my giving it any time. Never mind that you rub these things in my face on a daily basis. Never mind that I am trying so hard to make things right even though I'll probably never achieve it. Forget the fact that you know fully well what's been going. Yes, I know what's been happening with you. You wouldn't let me forget it for one split second if I wanted to. It's always some comparison that has to be made. And I'm tired of the m horse i bigger than your horse routine.

It's getting old. And I'm tired. I'm scared. Afraid of all the things that I have at risk. I'm apparently the arrogant atas one aren't I?

It's ok I suppose. We all live our own lives. I have no regrets about mine. Not now nor will I ever.

The problem with jokes

2009-11-15T14:34:00.002+08:00

The idea is this. If someone were to ask you what's wrong, what would your answer be? A possible slew of things to choose from to reply or nothing at all. But here's the real deal, what's right.

We live in a world that is ironic, selfish and horribly cruel. Things hardly ever turn out the way we plan and nothing is entirely predictable. I generally struggle to figure out what the whole point is. I say generally because these days I find that I can't really be bothered about it anymore.

I spent saturday running around. Literally. I walked from Balestier to Bugis. Surprisingly, I wasn't tired. In fact it was enjoyable. I was feeling so much better. To the point that I found the energy to club after. Hah!

Sunday... I ended up catching up on videos that have been sitting in my computer and cabbed down to Sanjay's. Cabbed. I really shouldn't. I'm super broke but I'm at a point where I honestly don't give a damn anymore. I really should go to bed. I have to be in the office at 8. *sigh* Not to mention Daddy's going to Hong Kong tomorrow. I had planned to at least have dinner with him tonight but as it turns out he had other ideas. Heh. To think I only found out about the trip on Saturday. To think I haven't really seen him since Thursday. Yes we live in the same house.

This week should prove to be... interesting. Different perhaps. But I'm not gonna push my luck.

Ah fuck, here's hoping then.

2009-10-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

It's that time of year again. No, it's not Christmas, it's the eve. I don't have much time to pen this. Let alone vet it for the countless mistakes and sporadic thoughts that usually come with impromptu writing.

I'm not in trouble yet, but I can't shake the feeling. Things aren't going to get any easier. I know that for a fact. Things will always get harder, more challenging and as I write, I know that things may not go the way I think I need them to. But nonetheless, I continue to fight for what I believe in.

I'm scared. Who wouldn't be. There's only so much a girl can take. Only so much that I can wish for. And at the end of it all, I can only hope that it's all worth as much as I believe it does at this moment. Ironic, considering I hate the word 'moment'. It's given me nothing but anguish.

It can't be helped though, it's not anyone's fault but my own. It is after all my choice. I find that right now, I can only hope that I will be strong enough. Strong enough to pick up the pieces when you shatter me again.

2009-07-05T23:29:00.001+08:00

I hate the fact that I'm pulling myself down. It's not that I like where I am now. It's not fulfilling you know, having nothing to do all day but sit around watching videos and playing games. And I hate that I'm a different person depending on the company. I wish I could just be me but you know, it's been so long since I've torn away all my masks and just let myself shine. I guess a part of me is still afraid of letting the world see who I really am. It's that invisible pseudo halo that I'm hanging onto. It's not like there are horns left. It's a bit of both I think, but that's just me. When on earth did I become so afraid of what people will think? Since when did I have the need to prove myself to anyone. I feel so... blind. Not really jaded because there is a lot out there that's waiting just for me. So many things that I could be doing. I don't really have anyone else to blame but myself on that. I'm the only one that's stopping me aren't I. I just hope that I don't run out of time. Knowing the problem is only the first in many steps to the solution right? I find myself back at square one. Do I really need the mundane adult life that everyone else deals with to find myself? Or is my prejudice completely and utterly flawed.

I know that when I get my feet grounded again I can be everything that I want to be. I already am everything that you need. Minus one thing. The confidence that I have wavers a bit too much for my liking and yours as well. I can't afford to keep breaking down every time something goes wrong right? You can't be there to save me all the time. Although sometimes I just need someone to see...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just being watched. Like someone out there's taking great amusement in every fall and every tear and scorning me for each smile. But lets face facts, who really has time these days? I can't help but feel that I am destined for greatness. Funny thing, I think I found my destiny. Kinda. I just haven't quite figured out what to do with it yet. I need to be stronger than I am now. If that's possible. But I think I'll get there. On my own. Eventually. Like I said, I hope I'm not too late. If I know one thing for sure, I'm not going to stop believing. In what I stand for, in what I have going for me, for us. In general of course.

I'm not the innocent little girl you think I am. I'm not the devil you think I might end up being either.

You are my destiny. Nothing can change that now. I'm sure of it this time.

2009-06-25T14:11:00.003+08:00

I do not think that universe has something against us per se. I just think it has something against me. Or maybe in light of today's events, it could have something against me. I don't know. And I'm angry about it. Severely angry and pissed off. But can anyone really blame me?

I mean, what really is the point in giving up on something. If you were to give up then it just wouldn't really be worth while would it?

And about this H1N1 thing, who's to say you won't get it by simply stepping outside your front door. If everyone gets paranoid then the world would shut down yes? Regardless, I am concerned and fairly worried. But quite frankly, from the looks of it, people are catching the damned thing on planes and not otherwise! So what do you really have to say to that?

I'm ranting and pissed and tired and worried and a lot of things right now. So sue me.

2009-05-20T02:47:00.003+08:00

You know my name. You know what I'm like. You know what I love and what I hate. Most of all you know how to get to me. You know how to make me give you what you want without reservation and then slumber while i curl up in a corner questioning everything. Like why I still care. Don't get me wrong. I know what you want. I know exactly what buttons to push and when as well. The difference between you and me is that I don't push them. I think about it quite often. I have it all worked out in my head. And that in itself is enough for me. I mean you know I'l never go through with it and that I'll manage to let it all go. I could you know. Right now. It's just a matter of wanting it but I don't. I want something more than just this.

But you know what? I know that at the end of the day, you're still trying to convince yourself that you can give me what I want but in actuality you have no idea. You don't know where to even begin. Because even as you start, you will always end up betraying me. To serve your own selfish needs. And when things get a little out of hand, you back off because you realise that it won't help. Nothing will. You already know that you made a huge mistake. I don't need to tell yourself that. Just looking at me reminds you of everything that you dreamt of. I remind you of the things that you want. I'm not trying to be egoistic here. I'm not even suggesting that it's me that you want.

You will always want things that are just barely out of reach. I can only hope that for your sake, you'll find the point where it's enough. And that at some point in time you'll be ok with it.

2009-04-22T12:57:00.002+08:00

Stupidest dream ever. I swear. I was buying cigarettes at Far East when this guy asks me out. Thing is, there's nothing wrong with him. Like there's nothing about the guy I can make fun of. I seems smart and is kinda cute. So I said ok. So I go home and get ready right? I end up wearing this red dress with black heels. I've never seen this dress or those heels before. AND THEN I GRAB THAT KNNCCB JIMMY CHOO BAG :( That cheat feelings bag that I will never ever be able to have ever coz is too expensive :(

So then the door bell rings. I opens the door and there the guy is, bouquet of roses in hand. Red somemore. So I leave the house and before you know it, just as I'm about to get into his car, he gets shot. And then the song "You know my name" by Chris Cornell starts playing. And guess which idiot pops out of no where wielding the gun? Needless to say I'm not very happy.

I suppose I have come to a strange conclusion. That at the end of the day, moving on isn't as hard as I thought it would be. It's the pure matter that you end up confusing me. And I let you. You want and you don't want and you want and you don't want until I myself cannot be bothered. All this time I have been doing nothing but trying to accommodate your wants. But enough. I have no intention of further prolonging this headache.

I'm not particularly interested in what you heard either. Facebook is nothing more than a social website. I refuse to allow my social life to revolve around it. After all, don't we all know that the truth isn't often found on the internet? I only trust what I can see and feel. If anyone else has a problem with that, too bad.

2009-04-18T12:26:00.002+08:00

I want to know why life always has to be so unfair. Why it brings something good and wonderful, something that meks me feel like there's a point to it all and then takes it away. I want to know why it's so hard to be happy. I want to know why you have to lie to me. I want to know what happened to us. I want to know how to stop feeling this way. It hurts so damned much. What hurts the most is that a part of me wishes that I'd never met you and I'd never have to feel the way I'm feeling. But at the same time how can I even bring myself to believe or think that way. I never want to feel like this again.

I wish I can believe you when you tell me how you feel and I wish you could see how much I'm trying to hide everything that's eating me up on the inside. In fact, this is probably what hurts the most. The fact that I somehow can't bring myself to trust anything that you say.

2009-04-16T21:01:00.000+08:00

I only have ONE thing to say.

If you have the sense to listen to yourself, you'd be pretty pissed off too. You want to bitch over something that tiny? Perhaps it's time that YOU stop being so damned biased.

boredom has strange effects

2009-03-19T13:07:00.001+08:00

I think I might be influenced by the song. Or perhaps, it really is just how I feel. I don't have a right to be upset really. Or jealous for that matter. He said that it looked like there is something else. Brutal and honest. But that's how it looks. He hates that once again it had to turn out the way it did. This however is my love's way of fighting. It's hard to understand because it goes against all normal conventions.

What right have I as a friend to say who he can or can't hang out with or talk to. Once again, I find myself in a position where I am fucking jealous of a child. Or is it just Hinder playing that's got my head spinning again? Oh great, now it decides to play Jars of Clay. I think I might be in need of a musical revamp.

Some part of me wants the sad songs that make me cry. It's at least one outlet to get rid of the mess that forms and dissipates on a constant basis and at others, it reminds me of all the things I can be happy about. When I think about the past 2 years, I have more reason to be shocked and happy and angry and depressed.

All the same, my techie side has emerged again!! And I will eventually figure out what to do with myself when reality sinks in and I realise that I'm being stupid. Oh wait, I already do know that. So what to do now... what to do what to do what to do. Meh... driving test!!!!!!!

in attempts to get sleepy

2009-03-19T02:46:00.001+08:00

Walking After You, The Foo Fighters
me
So as it turns out I find myself bored and since old habits die hard I'll start this again. Dreaming aloud is one of the things that I haven't been doing in a while. I miss the days where my dreams were real. You know, sometimes I wonder if all of us really need someone around not all the time but most of it. But most of us are too conscious to bother the people we care about when we need someone to talk to. And sometimes it's not just anyone that we want, but specific person(s). Things just won't do. They just won't.

I do wonder though, what really is the point in chasing after things that we want. Is it really worth it in the end? Some things are I suppose. But is it as simple as chasing after our dreams or simply realizing that there are greater things out there than just what we want. I wonder if what we think is right for us really is what we should be doing.

Walk Like and Egyptian, The Bangles
the other
Now there is one fun song. I have to admit I've never paid attention to the lyrics until now :P But now that I'm paying attention to it, this is just another one of those 'youcanttakeittooliterally' songs. It's so... mundane. Life. And don't even get me started on the stereotypes. It's like you are a part of the 'sheep' life style and you're desperate to get out of it. You know you want to but you some how still end up living each day like everyone else. We're pretty much the same in that sense. The only difference is optimism and pessimism. Life itself is subjective. We all see only what we want to see and the only way we can understand is through our own perceptions. It's hard to find an undeniable truth because at the end of the day, every thing that we know and are was at one point taught to us by someone else. So my question then is this: what is real?

Fools in Love, Inara George
you
Meh.... I don't really want to get into the topic of trying to define love. I can't. But there's one thing that I notice about everyone who has been or are in love. It's... like an addiction isn't it? Everything you say and do has someone else in mind. I wonder if people do things for themselves when they are in love. I wonder if I do. I can't quite answer that one either. The song describes it as quite pathetic. I can't disagree either. See, at the end of the day, half the time you end up living for someone else, someone else who's not necessarily going to be around forever. But can we really choose to be selfish and live for ourselves? I have recently come to realize that ultimately, the choices we make are hardly ever in consideration of just ourselves. Some of us choose the more obvious roads while others take a different path that the rest of us can't help but frown upon for the sole reason that we wouldn't do the same thing let alone understand. Lately, I've been trying to see things from a different point of view. A pseudo out of body experience for lack of a better explanation. As a result I've discovered that while we all exist in one world, each of us live in our own bubbles that sometimes crosses others'. So you can't honestly say that you live your life purely for yourself.

Faint, Linkin Park
2 + 1
People are what their emotions allow them to be. There's no helping it really. Emotions aren't things that have switches. Even as we shove and hide things, they still remain only waiting for the day that you lose your strength to hide it away and then they explode on you. We can only hope that it doesn't end up one big mess. I used to think that as long as you don't place expectations on other people, you can't really be disappointed. However, I also found that it's quite impossible not to place expectations. We do. Even though we try not to. Perhaps it's human nature. Or maybe it's just simply... my nature. I can't quite decide on that one.

If, Bread
3 + 1
Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say to some people but when given the chance to, I can't find the words that correctly place my thoughts. They always end up coming out all wrong and as a result create a mess that I don't have the capacity to contain. Some of us are lucky, to have at least once in your life, found someone who you can honestly say you want to help breathe. Not in a literal sense of course.
Think about it. Haven't you met someone that suddenly out of the blue mattered more to you than you thought possible? It doesn't have to be someone you're in a relationship with (even though more often than not it is so). I think I found one person. Just one person to give the stars to. Whether or not they want it however, is another story altogether.

Someday I'll Be Saturday Night. Guns N Roses
1 +2
Ultimately all we really have a choice to do is to take things one day at a time. It's possible to plan for the future but more often than not, things don't always go according to plan. It doesn't mean that we don't try to and even when it does flop, we still find it in ourselves to get up and keep going. Some of us right away and some of us make a pit stop and take inventory. As much as we get stuck in life, there's no such thing as no way out. It only looks impossible to move forward but... time doesn't allow us to freeze in place. All we can do is make an imprint of what was.

Where is the Love, Black Eyed Peas
1+ 3
Has it ever occurred to us that we talk about our problems like they're hell on earth when there are millions of people out there who are in worse off situations. I think I really am quite fortunate despite the hypocrisy that is so prevalent. I'm trying to look for myself in the little things. I mean, if something can make me smile, even for a little while, it can't really be that horrible can it? I'm still searching for a small space that could be home. The common factor is that deep down, we all... love.

Stranded, Jennifer Paige
2 x 1
I was talking to my brother yesterday. He told me that it's ok to be sad. But it's not ok to let the sadness trap us in an unending spiral that makes us feel like we can't bare existence. We all make mistakes in our lives and we end up learning from them. And with regards to finding people to share our beings with, we keep finding someone better and better. But. Sometimes, it doesn't have to be someone new. It could very well be someone old, someone who's been there all this time and you never saw it or you never wanted to accept it. The only thing is, you can't let fear cloud your vision or stop you from taking risks. Life would be pretty boring if you didn't take that leap of faith every once in a while.

In other words, some things are worth waiting for. Some things are worth fighting for. And some things are worth living for. Besides, living is a lot harder than dying.

Passenger, Iggy Pop
3 x 1
I'm sure you've heard of the saying that life is like a roller coaster right? I kinda disagree. It's not just up down and hope you don't throw up along the way. It's... like a road trip kind of. An unplanned one or better yet, one that you don't know the destination. It wouldn't be fun if you did. And along this trip you meet other people along the way some stick around a while and get off and others ride with you and others are just traveling the same road. Like a hitch hiker that you've grown acquainted with, they must at some point leave. And move off to wherever the hell it is that they're going. It's impossible to predict that you'll meet them along the way again. But then again, while it's... not plausible, it is entirely possible. Some times stopping to breathe is a good thing. No one's gonna tell you that you can't or you aren't supposed to. Do what you want, when you want, however you want. It's your life to live, you decide who you're living it for and who you want to live it with.

Beware! Criminal
1 x 2
How soon can you tell when it's right to trust people? Can you look them in the eye and know that they are real? It's hard to tell isn't it? Simple logic states, you came, you saw and you might have conquered. Might have only because not everything is really worth conquering.

Another Way to Die, Jack White & Alicia Keys
1x 3
You come and you go. It's been that way. You let me in then you shut me out. It's not new. It's quite old really and it's getting to be quite boring. But... like I said, sometimes I like to sit and wait. Just to see what'll happen next. This time, I'm ready for it. I'd like to say that you can't surprise me but you always do. I just hope that this time, i really am being paranoid.

Btw, I REALLY like this song :P

2009-03-19T00:10:00.003+08:00

I am not in the mood to do... anything. I'm leaving on Friday fyi. I don't really want to go though. What's the point? I'm better of staying put. Why bother wasting the money right? I'd rather spend it on something that I want. At the end of the day, I'm still stuck in a place where I'm pretty much dragged out to do this and that. It's a mad capped society of demands and expectations. I'm quite tired of these expectations and I'm more tired of the world passing me by.

Most of all, I'm probably over reacting again. And It probably makes no sense, but I refused to be trumped by people who can't possibly know what I know. Who can't possibly be all that is required. Can they? I don't think so but that's not rationality talking. Nothing about me right now is very rational.

I'm ok. Really I am. I'm just trying to be strong despite that I already am. I'm trying to trust in things and situations such that it'll always work out as it should regardless of whether it's what I want. Am I really being biased? It was my honest opinion. If you can't take it then... what more can I do right? There is nothing. Nothing at all.

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you. Hmm.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

Is it selfish because I still want to talk? About anything at all? Anything but the possibility that you might have... You said something funny to me today. That mel was back. I never went away. It's sad though, that you never realised that it was me all along.

It's surprising to me still that no matter what, I always find something to say when I'm feeling the way I am right now. That I'll always want you to hear me. But something else made me smile. It is worth it. It will always be worth it. We fight the good fight and we choose our battles to our strengths. Every now and then, we are called to arms even when we aren't ready. There's nothing more that can be done but to do our very best and to not give up. Giving up is losing the battle before it has even begun. I'm sorry that it looks like you had given up. But.. I know. I know what no one else can know. I see what no one else can see. And to hell with anyone who tries to tell me I'm lying to myself because I know I'm not. I know the reason why. It's a dream. It still is a beautiful dream. I mean, there's no such thing as a story without conflict right?

The difference between reality and the silver screen is this: people tend to give up for many different reasons. I may not agree with them but it doesn't mean that they're wrong and I'm right. It just means that people see things differently and I'm not about to judge anyone. It's not my place and I have no interest in it. The only person I can and will judge is me. And as such, I will continue to do what I feel is right.

I will feel. And it will be ok. It will always be ok. I know it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself because... I am. I'm scared. So very scared. I know what you'd say to me though. The same thing you always say to me when I get afraid before anything can really happen. "Don't let fear stop you from greatness" So with this in mind, I fight on.

On a lighter and albeit scarier note, my basic theory test is tomorrow. Ok fine, maybe it's not scary at all but I'm a little panicked. Knowing the material is one thing. Falling into their trick question traps is another! Gah, I wish I had the cash to just take a cab there tomorrow -_- I think the problem with me and transport is that I hate going anymore coz it takes too long. And driving myself around won't make it any easier because a big part of the traveling that makes it long doesn't have much to do with time or distance. I just don't quite like going alone.

Maybe that really is my biggest fear then. I hate the notion of being alone and yet, I choose solitude whenever the opportunity arises. It's like... separation anxiety. I get really uncomfortable when certain people leave. In fact, I hate it when people leave in general.I don't particularly enjoy leaving either. It's the same syndrome I've been battling with for years. I want my cake and I want to eat it!!! Is it really too much to ask for? I suppose it is kinda. I can't expect someone to always be there to hold my hand as I cross the street. But still... I wish...

2009-03-18T03:57:00.006+08:00

It finally dawned upon me that... I have been given so many chances. So many times windows of opportunity have opened themselves to me and I never took them. Too caught up in a dream world where I had convinced myself that I could stay in forever. Now I find myself wishing and hoping that a window would open. Even a little. Am I asking for a lot? I think I am. Maybe for too much.

I came home tonight wondering what to do. I spoke to the one my heart screams out to. But at the end of the day, there's nothing I can do. It's no in my nature to change people or to force them to do what I want them to. Now, after having devoted the last few hours to thinking and pondering and reminiscing, I discovered that things are not as horribly bleak as I had thought hours before.

Yes, it still hurts. Yes I still love you whether or not we can ever be. To those who are still reading (few no doubt) and wondering what on earth I've been talking about, round about 53 days ago, God has it been that long, I lost someone. I lost someone and I didn't think that I could go on without him. At this moment in time, I'd give anything to have him back but I know now that it's nothing that I can have. Whether or not it's something either of us deserves is another story altogether. But hear me out. I still love him very dearly. He has been more than I could have ever hoped or wished for.

Facing facts, Sanjay and I have broken up. We are still friends. He has always been one of my best friends. He has been (and still kind of is) there for me when I need someone despite the fact that these days I need someone mostly because we are no more. I still hope for a day that we might work things out. However, I have come to terms with the fact that there is nothing to work out. We have taken this road because of the need to find ourselves again, to make something of ourselves and to make up for the time lost when we could not see what life held of each of us as individuals.

And while I expect the next few weeks and possibly months to be riled with tears of sadness, they are there in tribute to all the good that we have shared. Of all the memories that will never leave my thoughts and to the love that kept me going these past 2 years. For even in my darkest hour, I know now that at least at one point in my life, I was loved so much that there was nothing that could stop me from moving forward.

To my friend, my ex lover, the one who still has my heart and as far as I'm concerned can hold on to it until the day comes where it is destined for another or not, I wish you well. I will never be so far as you cannot reach me. You will never be far from my thoughts. And if God permits, I would love to be able to give you one last hug and one last kiss goodbye because for now, I think a part of me wants the distance away from all of this. And another wants nothing more than to sink back into the miserable existence that I have been living in since the day you left.

I miss you. And I still love you. But it's ok. Because I know in my heart that you still feel the same. And should one day our paths cross again, I will know then as I know now that we will be as we should be. I have seen it. And one day, I will be in Green and Gold side by side the one.

2009-03-18T01:12:00.001+08:00

I was digging through past memories and I came across this. I thought it apt to post it again.

Our Last Goodbye

Where are you?
Where am I?
This sounds like our last goodbye.

I've changed so much since you left
I wonder if you'd still recognise the fire inside
The desire hurts, my muscles ache
My world is lost, disintigrate

Where you have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

A voice from behind me whispers nothing in my ear
My thoughts shift from emptiness into being
Sounds and images are taking shape
Being nothing is a food as living dead

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

Paranoia eats at me, gnawing my bones
An endless chatter made to topple
Shadows of strangers cast down by me
An army of darkness is what seeks me

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

Some say you're back
Safe and near by
Others are insane yet speak a strange truth
They say you never left but it was I who ran away

Where have gone
Must I keep searching
Are you happy now
Must I keep dreaming
where are you?
Where am I?
this sounds like our last goodbye.

2009-03-17T15:15:00.001+08:00

I just had the most horrible dream. I dreamt that he got married. To Gerard? And all I was, was a friend. And there was no one there to comfort me. They all blamed me this time because I drove you to it.

On top of it all, I went surfing the very next day. And I met your mom for coffee. Hmmmmmm....

2009-03-16T15:15:00.001+08:00

You know what? It just occured to me last night that it's not my fault. More often than not in a disagreement, it takes 2. This time however, I'm just the one disagreeing. Protecting myself or protecting a life that I wanted so badly? Ultimately, it wasn't my doing at all. If this is what the fates have in store for me than so be it. I just hope that you know what you're doing. You're insufferable you know. You and your idiocy. I am a lot stronger than you are actually. I'm the one who'd going to come out a lot stronger. And as for you? The one thing you've said that makes sense is that you've made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. I have no more sympathy for you. Hey, if you're so sure that what you're doing is right then so be it. If you think that this is the only way you can progress than fine.

If there was ever a time that I want you to do something it would be now. Go ahead. Do whatever you want. I won't stop you even if I could. You're too stubborn to admit it anyways. Do it. And when all falls to pieces and you're in hell, don't look me up. Don't come running and say that you're sorry that you wish you could go back because you can't. And I won't let you. Not because it'll hurt you, but because I won't let you hurt me again. If anyone's going to hurt me it'll be on my terms. After all, I make my own bed now.

2009-03-14T20:10:00.000+08:00

I suppose I really do deserve all this don't I?
After everything I've done is this life and the previous. Unforgivable sins that are haunting me to this day. God really does hate me. Why is it that EVERYONE ELSE gets a fragment of happiness and I'm stuck here having to deal with these cards. Cards that aren't even my choice. Why is it that for everything important to me I don't get to choose. I don't get a say in it at all. Why are you doing this to me. Don't you care about me? Or are you really that selfish.

2009-03-13T03:58:00.001+08:00

I want to paint a picture with words that can express everything that I have felt and still feel. But how can I write a story that starts in the middle and has no end? How does one then express the happiness of what was and what could be when all there is now is not? I can't even think of a song or a tune that I could sing that would show you what's inside. Because inside me is something that even I cannot explain. It is a feeling and an emotion that drives me towards a point that's moving further and further away from me.I still chase after it not knowing if I can ever reach it. After all, if I stop now, it'll only get further away wouldn't it? And who's to say when we find the things that we want that we can have it?

It's too late for me to apologize. But I am sorry that I can't stop loving you. I can' stop this feeling that I have inside. And I'm about to break. If love is blind I'll find my way. With you. But ever since you walked out that door, you've left a hole in my heart. I don't mean to drag you down but I can't seem to let you go. These foolish games are tearing me apart, your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

See what I mean? It's all fragments. Of thoughts, words and melodies that don't make any sense to me. Do I have to get up early in the morning just to be able to talk to you?

Yesterday was the first day in 2 years that I haven't said those words to you. Yesterday was also the first day in 2 years that I couldn't talk to you. Yesterday was the first day in 2 years that I began to feel that you didn't want to talk to me. And nothing has made me feel more torn up inside. Nothing in 24 years has torn me up inside because of you. I really am an insufferable fool aren't I? With no one left to cry to. No one I can conceivably burden.

I think I've just found the song.

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't

A part of me still wishes that I could curl up and die.

babble babble bitch bitch

2009-03-11T05:59:00.001+08:00

I wonder what really is the underlying cause of addiction. I'm fairly certain it's not just "I like the feeling I get" thing that comes along with it. Think about it. I wonder why I smoke some times. Out of habit perhaps? Sometimes I hate the taste and sometimes I love it. But nonetheless I still continue.

In the time span of 2 months, I've contracted the flu. Both times it was pretty bad by my standards. The first was the horrible fever that wouldn't let me sleep or concentrate on anything at all. Everything was incessantly random. The second, the one I'm recovering from now, has a milder fever. Which is good really. However, there is a problem. The cough. At first it was near impossible to breathe. I began to panic praying that I wasn't ailed with an incurable disease that has begun to afflict many smokers. It really did feel like I was breathing through a straw. I couldn't take any deep breaths and the shallow ones just didn't cut it. So imagine wheezing as if you've just run a marathon along with the increased heart rate. Except it lasted through the night. Looking at myself in the mirror was scarier than usual. My tan skin was paler than I had ever seen it. And trust me, I've been really pale before.

Now, the fever is gone. The breathing is back to normal (yay!). BUT. I feel more sick than ever. Not a physical sick I'm sure but sick none the less. It feels like my body is completely out of sync. No, I didn't overdose myself -_- Please, the only thing that I haven't been measuring accurately is the cough syrup because the nurse said three quarters of the plastic spoon they provided. Come on, who's going to be able to get the amount right the whole time?!

I feel my heart race and my muscles numbing. I feel my heart desperately trying to pump blood throughout my irritated body. And my mind? Heh. More jaded than ever, more confused and irrational than ever. And ultimately, I'm angry but I'm not sure why. I want to scream but I don't know who I want to scream at. I want to move forward but I'm surrounded by a fog so thick I can't see the tip of my nose. I don't take the same amount of pleasure that I normally do in watching videos or even playing games. I miss my guitar but I have no intention of singing or playing. I miss my attunement (if that's even a word) but I don't quite know (or perhaps care) what I'm attuned to.

Most of all I miss my drive. My drive to keep going towards some kind of goal in life. Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what that goal is any more.

I remember in kindergarten. I was so sure that after the second year I wouldn't have to go to school anymore despite the fact that my brother, who is 8 years older than me, was at the time in school. Then primary school and the new thought of how to make 6 years last less than a second. Obviously I never got through it. The same was true for the earlier stages of secondary school but the vernacular of my surroundings made it apparent that this was and would not be the case.

Now I find myself sitting here wishing I was in school. Wishing that it was compulsory once more for me to attend classes every day, learn new things and occupy my time and mind on things of value. Things that would make a bloody difference. Instead, I find myself doing this. Writing. The one thing my heart truly loves. But I wonder if that is really what I want out of a profession. I feel like emotionally I want more. A lot more. Physically, I'm strangely... fine. I could do with a hug though. A really big one. Career wise, a blank. A total and utter blank! A career as a psychologist. While that is still somewhat appealing to me I've come to terms with the fact that I'd rather be reporting more than anything else. I actually really loved covering the events that Judy asked me to do for Taxi Designs. It felt.... natural. I still miss it. I could do that for ages and ages and not be bothered by it. My one flaw in the mess is I hate the traveling. The idea of me taking public transport bores me to no end. I find that I don't really go out and about and do things by myself because at the end of the day I'm more entertained sitting in my room and staring at the ceiling. Hey, at least I'm comfortable right? Heh.

Warcraft is slowly losing its appeal to me. It's fun no doubt but still.... It's getting a little boring. If not the level grind, then it's questing around, and if not that, then it's running around mining or gathering herbs. Running dungeons I must admit is still fun. But I'm ridiculously impatient and it takes ages to get people together to go. And even then, running the dungeon itself can mean waiting and trying to figure out what next. See what I mean? No matter how minutely amusing something holds for me after a while it just loses its appeal.

Talking to friends is always good and fun. But I find that with one particular person, who thank God, doesn't have my blog address and if not, has the memory of a goldfish with these things. So said person wouldn't have a clue. I digress... Well, talking is loads of fun. In fact I look forward to our conversations but sometimes they annoying the living daylights out of me. Honestly, it gets to a point of make up your bloody mind already. You want you don't want you want you don't want.... Seriously. I sometimes believe that you only talk to me because you have no one else to talk to. To think that half the time i bail on people to sit and listen to your drivel and the minute someone else comes a long you run like the wind. You tell me things as you see them but more often than not, it sounds like you don't want me to have an opinion on things. Unfortunately, as Daniel puts it, I have an opinion on pretty much everything. I just don't voice it out all the time. Unfortunately with you, the minute you don't like what you hear, it's like I've done the worst thing on the planet and everything suddenly becomes my fault. When I try to do something nice for you, you turn around and tell me that I'm in your face. Well, I practically spend most of my time in my own face, I have neither the patience nor the stupidity to be in your face all the time. I've already invested so much of my precious time to these encounters than to have to spend more of it grieving over something this trivial. I mean come on, there's only so much a girl can take.

I suppose it is a good thing that it's nearly 6 in the morning and hardly anyone is awake. I'm in a frightfully destructive mood. Feeling this numb and chaotic is nostalgic isn't it? You know what I really REALLY want right now? I want, a really nice STRONG drink. I've just finished the Apricot Brandy I had been saving. It was a little under a quart I think. But I don't suppose it's a good thing to drink it all at once. After all, it has been well over 4 hours since my last dose of medication so who the hell cares right? I wish I had more but I suppose it is a good thing that I don't. The effects could be.. quite detrimental. I wonder if anyone is willing to help me carry a case of beer home if I asked. Heh.

I want to see. I want to see if it will happen. The green and gold. It's stuck in my mind Jon. It's stuck there and I want to see it. I want to see it soon.

If anyone's made it this far, you'll be glad to find that I've run out of things to ramble about. If not, I don't really give a damn so there! :)

Scream

2009-02-16T03:48:00.003+08:00

It has been less than 2 months into the new year. I remember new year's day itself. Just a few minutes into it. I remember thinking to myself that I already hated it. Lunar New Year was worse. Most people are happy knowing that they're right. I on the other hand hate it. I hate it so much that it hurts. I hate knowing things will happen and still not be able to do anything about it. But what I hate more is knowing that no matter how much I fight I'll still lose.

Yet I still find myself at square one. Stubborn as ever. Still hoping for something that I don't think I can ever have. Something that I want more than anything in the world. Something I'd still give up everything for. Well not something but you know what I mean. I understand everything but it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to accept it let alone believe it's all real.

I can't bring myself to say it. I can form the words in my mouth. It hurts too much to even think of it. I guess if I don't say it then it can't be true. I don't want to say it because I still hope that it can be fixed and that things will work out how I believe they should. Because the one thing I don't understand is why something so pure, so beautiful can be so... wrong. Why does it have to be this way? WHY? I just don't understand that. I don't understand how it could pan out this way of all ways to pan out it just had to be the most painful. Why this way of all ways that is in itself the hardest to deal with.

I hate that I can't bring myself to say it out loud to someone else because I really need someone to talk to. I really need someone to help me because I've pretty much fallen off the highest cliff imaginable. I hate that you had to resort to this. To methods that make no rational sense. I cannot accept that you acknowledge your mistake and yet you do nothing to fix it. But instead just say that it's your mistake to live with. I hate that everything you say to me sounds so contradictory. It's as though you never meant any of the things you said. As though I were nothing more than dust, as though I never mattered. It will hurt you more to see all this but I cannot stop myself. This is the only place where I can speak of things not quite as freely as I'd like but it's the only place that I can seek any kind of refuge from a life that has been meaningless for the past 6 years. At least for the past 2 or a little less I thought that things just might be worth while but as it turns out it wasn't quite it.

Most of all, I hate myself. I hate myself for letting this happen. Again. I hate myself for allowing this pain in. I hate the fact that I reopened that door again. I never want to feel it again. I never want to have to deal with this anymore. I hate that no matter what I say I will still care too much to give up. I see it. I can see what could have been. I still see it. It's so close and yet so far out of reach that it's killing me. I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. And the only way how is something that's out of the question.

What other way do I have left? To sit here alone unable to talk to anyone about anything that matters? To pretend all over again that nothing is wrong? Honestly, look at me. Can you really believe that I am ok? Can any of you look at me or talk to me and believe that I don't feel the pain of everything that has happened? Of how more than ever I want to stop. But I can't. Because I can't bring myself to give up. My heart won't allow me even as it's dying it won't allow me.

Tell me then. How this works. You've been so forthcoming with making all these decisions haven't you? Tell me then all knowing one. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? What the fuck am I supposed to do to stop the pain, to stop the tears? Do you want me to grow cold again? You can't possibly know what that means.

I am so afraid of sleeping. Every dream I have is of you. And it hurts even more waking up. Knowing that it never happened. I wish you could see what this is doing to me. I wish that someone. ANYONE. Please... help me.

2009-02-11T21:00:00.002+08:00

I give up. again! when you want help I have to drop everything regardless of how important it is or how I'm feeling. I ask for help and you tell you're too busy or it's something i have to do myself? honestly. It's no wonder that I blog when I'm pissed off. I begin to think I should just stick to writing when I'm angry. I seem to have a lot more to say when I am.

2009-01-23T13:10:00.002+08:00

I honestly don't care whether you think I'm right. I really don't. Yesterday evening or at least early this morning, I read something that an old friend had written. If you don't want to fight for something then maybe it isn't worth fighting for? I can't help but agree with that. I can't help but see it in myself. And yet it feels like I'm the only one pulling on the proverbial tug of war rope. So what's a girl to do? Let the cards that have been dealt out be? I'm a firm believer in holding my own destiny in the palm of my hand. That and the fact that what's in store for me is hard enough to deal with let alone change.

So what now? What now? SERIOUSLY, what now. Really wishing that I knew.

Ok all things aside, I'm not the only one fighting. But I just wish that it were more obvious. A little more out there. I'd feel infinitely better if you'd just let me see that. Let me see that you think that we're worth fighting for. It's not like we've got a lot of time left.

I find myself wondering what would happen if I were to get rid of all the ponstan in my refrigerator.

2009-01-22T11:18:00.001+08:00

It's official. I think God really hates me.

2009-01-13T01:54:00.001+08:00

It always starts out as a feeling. Then you start to get attached and hopeful that this might really be it. Then you question and you question and put yourself in that dark place. But then, if all goes well, hope takes over and you get out of it. Suddenly everything's good and your dreams change and all there is around you is surrounded by bright light and an even brighter future. What then happens when that lights starts to flicker and your dreams are being threatened? What happens when you wish and pray so desperately for the light that you grew to trust in. That same light that's threatening to betray you? Do you go back to that dark place and hope to God and Goddess that things will all work out?

Well, if any of you have the answer to that question, please let me know. Because I don't want to go back there again. Love is love. Fear is fear. Love and fear? It happens but it really shouldn't should it?

2009-01-06T13:33:00.001+08:00

I've had many chances to get myself to where I 'should' be instead of where I am now. I had many chances to relieve myself but I didn't. And now I'm being forced, needless to say against my will, to go through with something that even thinking about is leaving me wreck. I hate that I have no one to talk to. No one to cry on. No one less complicated at least. I want to stop. I want all of it to stop. It's too soon, I need more time. I don't want what's happening. All things that people say to deny what is to come. The 5 stages of mourning right? I barely remember them.

I have the feeling that I've completely lost my head. LOST IT. And I'm beginning to crave losing everything else. I mean, if I finish it, I won't have to be like this anymore right? Right?? If only things are so simple. If only I'd even think or TRY to take the easy road.

you know

2009-01-02T23:54:00.003+08:00

you know you'd end up doing something like this didn't you. you already knew from the very beginning that it'd end up like this. of all the things and of all the people, you knew the best. but you didn't listen to yourself. and now you're waiting again. too scared to move, too scared not to move.

you really should hope that you know what you're doing. at least i hope i know what i'm doing.

idle banter

2008-12-11T03:11:00.001+08:00

A few years ago, I had told a friend that doing this would be a HUGE mistake. But here it is. I am not happy. In fact, I am pissed off beyond belief. I am pissed at you and I'm pissed at myself. And usually that doesn't go hand in hand. I hate the fact that you think I'm a simple minded fool who will let you walk all over me. I hate the fact that I allow you to continue believing that I am as such.

It is only for specific people who I care a great deal about that I keep my mouth shut. And it is also for said people that I exude an ample amount of concern. I do not expect it in return but I do expect some semblance of civility (if there's such a word), tact and perhaps intelligence. However, it appears that I have overestimated you in such events.

I would very much like to say that from now on, I will not stand for it. I would like to say shove it in harsher and most definitely more vulgar words. I would very much like for you to open your eyes to see and clean your ears such that you might hear yourself. Because let's be honoest with ourselves. If the world could see you as you are in front of those you hold close to you, do not even in the slightest expect them to show you such care. It is unbelievable that you are capable of hiding that. In fact I must applaud you for the fact that you hide your true self so well.

I am still attempting to convince myself once again that underneath it all, you really don't know the meaning behind your action and in actuality you are as the world sees you. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that I don't. I don't see that at all. I see selfishness, childishness and disregard. I actually had a better statement than just that but fortunately or unfortunately (take it however you like) I don't care to type it out let alone remember it.

Good luck to you. Really. Good luck to you. It'll be a miracle if should you be able to attain the peace you think you deserve seeing as you really did dig your own grave. I will not allow you of all people to blame me for the problems that you have brought upon yourself. Do not for one second think that I blame you for my miscomings whether or not they have been caused by you. In fact, I am willing to take full responsibility for them as I have come to realise that the bane of my existance has only become such because I let them walk all over me. I may be nice in this lifetime but should we meet again, if you really think that you can expect the same courtesy I am giving you now, you are clearly mistaken. Do not expect me to show you mercy when you have shown others none. Do not expect me to bend backwards for you when you lack the mentality to help yourself.

On a slightly more amusing note, I'm fairly surprised that I managed to type all this out while being utterly politically correct.

2008-11-29T13:16:00.001+08:00

People are selfish. Everyone at some point or other in their lives are utterly and entirely selfish. Always wanting others to do so much while giving nothing in return. Don't they know that they really do get what they give?

I get extremely aggravated when people decide on things without hearing the full story. I get even more pissed when they are completely stuck in their own little worlds without the slightest knowledge of what's happening outside. But there is one thing that is far worse than that. It's the plain desire to not know what really is going on.

Honestly, I hope you lot are happy in your own little bubbles. It sounds mean of me, but I wait for the day that your little bubble bursts and reality dawns upon you. Because by the time that happens, you will be alone, cold and bitter because you will still be trying to blame everyone else but yourself. What really puts the cherry on top of that ice cream sundae is the fact that no one is going to give you the time of day and at the end of it all, whether or not you've realise the grave mistakes you've made, it will be far too late for reconciliation.

these days

2008-11-24T11:22:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish that I could just stop. Sometimes I wish that I could see why things have to happen but more often than not, these days, I wish that I could stop everything and just come to a complete stand still but I can't can I?

Almost every day now I wish I could understand the cause behind everything that's happened. But more so, I still wish that I could just stop. Completely and entirely. Never to start again.

That's until I see your face. Until I see that smile. That makes everything ok. Everything bearable even if it's just a little while. So what will happen when you're not going to be there anymore. Who's going to stop me from making the biggest mistake I can ever make.

2008-10-04T17:20:00.002+08:00

I know I haven't written in a while. I know I've been neglecting a lot of things. If anything I know now more than ever I need my friends. And most importantly I need my family. Because here, where I am now, I don't get that kind of reprieve. I'm forced to paint a fake smile on my face when on the inside I've not wanted to do anything but let everything out. I still wonder if this is what I want.

Words. Words are very powerful whether you mean for them to be or not. We all have to live up to the fact that what we say affects other people don't we? Why. WHY can't you see what it's doing to me. Why can't you see that at the end of the day you're doing exactly what you promised you wouldn't. How on earth do you expect me to trust you after all this. I can't can I? I can trust my life to you but I can't trust my happiness or sanity. And without those, what's the worth of having a life?

what's good

2008-06-17T22:59:00.002+08:00

I don't think it's good to bottle things up, but I do.
I don't think it's good to pretend to be ok when you aren't, but I do.
I don't think it's good to say something only to take it back.
I don't think it's good to say anything without thinking about it first.
I don't think it's good to lash out at people when they really didn't do anything wrong.
I don't think it's good to win a discussion by blackmail.
I don't think it's good to live your life when you really don't want to.

There are undoubtedly a lot of things that I don't think are good. But that's just the way things are coz at the end of the day, you can't always be happy with everything. I think it's hard to live the way I live even though I know that a lot of people have a much harder time.

But ultimately, I still, now even more than before, believe that I'm just plain not good enough.

untitled

2008-05-24T11:06:00.000+08:00

Growing up following intuition
Trusting friends without question
Where does that road lead?
Before you think
You're in some kinda trouble
Stuck alone with no one to lean on
What would you do?

They aren't gonna see the tears rolling down you face
They aren't gonna help when you fall flat on your face
The only one who's gonna be there is you

Embrace the world you see in your own eyes
Forget the past, which you cannot change
Leave the perversion that is seeping through the cracks
Live your dream, make it your reality

Life's just a game of chess
You can't see which side is which
It's all a game you can barely learn to follow
Even if you could hear me
Even if you mean the words you said
You're still lying to yourself
You wouldn't do anything would you?

They're not going to be your guardian angel
They're not going to be responsible for the choices you make
The only one who can is you

Embrace the world you see in your own eyes
Forget the past, which you cannot change
Leave the perversion that is seeping through the cracks
Live your dream, make it your reality

I've tried to be all that I can be
Still busy filling in the gaps
Trying to fix the mess I made
Only to have more staring straight at me
No place to falter, not time to waste
Have to make choices and stick with them
Leave the repulsive vultures to feast on their corpses

You've got to see beneath the lies and madness
You've got to learn that the voices outside can make or break
It's yours to hold, the world and its riches

Embrace the world you see in your own eyes
Forget the past, which you cannot change
Leave the perversion that is seeping through the cracks
Live your dream, make it your reality

- MeL

2008-02-09T12:53:00.000+08:00

I didn't think that it was possible for me to become this blinded. It's a vicious cycle isn't it? A huge huge cycle that I've gone and trapped myself in. I thought that maybe, just MAYBE, this would be ok. That finally it was something really good. Talk about jinxing it huh. I'm not saying that it's totally not good. Some parts are wonderful. And it's for those parts that I'm still struggling to make it.

You know, at the end of the day right, if you don't make the choice for yourself, then who are you making it for? Is it worth it to sacrifice your happiness for the happiness of another? In the long run, do you think that you'll be happy living someone else's life and not your own?

Right now, I've made my choice and I'm going to stick with it. No matter what, I'll stick with it. I'm just sitting here now, trying to figure out if this is it. If this really is it.

Must everything be so... Bittersweet

2008-02-07T18:31:00.000+08:00

Still don't know what's going to happen from here. Still trying really hard to keep it together. But you know... I'll make it work somehow. I'll make it run smoothly. Or I'll die trying. Coz at the end of the day, if I don't, no one else can.

I'm going on Tuesday. Now that it's fast approaching, I know that I won't see this place for a long time. I know that... I'll have to be strong. I always do don't I? I at least have to try.

tired, upset and fuckin scared

2008-01-24T19:55:00.001+08:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Tan Jialing Melissa-Ann
Birthday:	6th December 1985
Birthplace:	Singapore
Current Location:	Singapore
Eye Color:	Dark Brown. Unless under direct sunlight at which it's light
Hair Color:	Dark brown. But with loads of light, tinged red
Height:	1.70m
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Too many things to list
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Crocs!
Your Weakness:	Being stuck in a prison of my own making
Your Fears:	Never getting out
Your Perfect Pizza:	OoOo Erm... Anchiovies, Olives, LOADS of meat :) Mushrooms Cheese Tomatoes...
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	You mean apart from the race against time to get my application processed?
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	WTF
Thoughts First Waking Up:	go back to sleep
Your Best Physical Feature:	Er... Eyes?
Your Bedtime:	When I get sleepy
Your Most Missed Memory:	That first kiss
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Mac
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	They're both coffee -_-
Do you Smoke:	duh...
Do you Swear:	fuck!! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!! answer the question yet?
Do you Sing:	Ya
Do you Shower Daily:	Who doesn't?
Have you Been in Love:	I am in love :)
Do you want to go to College:	Dude, graduating
Do you want to get Married:	One day
Do you belive in yourself:	Not as much as I'd like
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	I have my moods
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Pretty much
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Love
Do you play an Instrument:	Yea, a couple
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Duh...
In the past month have you Smoked:	Duh...
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Nope :(
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yup
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Yes! MeL <3 Sushi
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Yea
Ever been called a Tease:	Yup :P
Ever been Beaten up:	Nope
Ever Shoplifted:	Nope
How do you want to Die:	Really really quick and painless
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Happy
What country would you most like to Visit:	Italy!!
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

2008-01-22T18:34:00.001+08:00

You know... Talk is cheap. Let's see what comes next. I want to be there. I want to look and see why I can't have my cake and eat it. I want to look into your eyes and feel the pain. I want to see what you'd do knowing that it was a lie. I want you to look at me when you break my heart. And then leave as I try to pick up the pieces and pray that the damage won't make the healing impossible. Because guess what, one look at my face and everyone's going to know that there's something wrong.

So guess what. You think you know everything? You don't. It's not your concern. It's got a lot to do with you yes. But you're imposing on me. You are and you know it. You want it carried? Teach the one who ought to be carrying it. Because you know what? I was right all a long. There is only one problem and that problem is you.

When enough is enough

2008-01-22T17:47:00.001+08:00

You really want to see what I'm made of don't you? You really want to try my patience. You're in for a ride. I may have a lot of patience but push me too far and you'll wish you'd never met me. Which in all honesty would be a sad day for the both of us.

2008-01-17T18:01:00.000+08:00

I give up. I really do give up. Honestly, I really really give up. I can't handle having to deal with so many things at once and have the one person that I thought I could depend on just live in a whole different world oblivious to the kind of pain and ache I feel each and every day. To feel like I'm completely and utterly unimportant. Like I don't know any better, or I don't care. It's not like that. I don't want to give up but you know what, it's getting harder and harder each and every day.

2008-01-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

I'm afraid. I'm close to freaking out. Because I don't think that I'll make it. Grades aside, I'm afraid that I've missed the deadlines. I don't know if I can handle it at this point. I'm supremely afraid that I won't be able to go back and get what needs to be done well... done.

Help me. Please. I really need this. Really really REALLY need this.

meh

2007-12-22T12:15:00.000+08:00

I'm in Singapore wishing I were in Melbourne. Or at least wishing that Singapore itself was in Melbourne. Maybe under a glass dome in the outback. I miss Sanjay so much it's not funny. The new Mac is beautiful. I loves it to bits. But nothing compares to what I really want. So please, stop asking me what I want for Christmas because at the end of the day, none of you can give it to me no matter how much you wish you could.

2007-12-15T12:05:00.000+08:00

sick feeling in my stomach. I don't feel good. I don't feel good at all. Shereena's leaving for Melbourne tonight. Alicia and Alexey are leaving tonight. I dunno la... It's... upsetting that I can't always have what I want. But still, I can't help but want...

2007-11-07T19:03:00.000+08:00

I cannot. I can't do it. I can't just stop. A part of me really wants to. A part of me wants to hold on and never let go of what I have but I know that I'll have to. Some may see this as a huge mistake but you know what? In the long run, it will never be one to me. It isn't without its imperfections. It's not what anyone or even I ever dared to dream of. But it is no dream. It is real. And I'm afraid that it will be ripped from me.

It's all still very unbelievable to me. This time has been so short and yet it feels like it's been forever. It usually takes a lot longer to come to this kind of decision and it takes even longer to be ready to follow it through. But I know myself. And despite all that rubbish that I keep saying, here's the real deal. I am not afraid to take that step. I am not afraid to make that choice. Here's what I'm really afraid of. That the choice won't be offered to me. That I'm not good enough or that I don't deserve it.

The choice itself is an easy one. What comes next is the hard part. I can't deal with this right now. I'm so very afraid of losing my grip on reality. I don't even know where all these thoughts are coming from. It feels like I want to tear myself apart just so that I won't have to deal with it. I never thought that I could feel like this again. But that's just it. When things are going so smoothly, something will always come to screw it up. And let's just face facts, most of the time it's not something that's coming. It's something that I end up doing. I'm self-destructive that way.

I know that I need help. I've known it all along. The only problem is, I never think that someone would be able to waste their time on me. I don't believe that people genuinely care. Because if I do, then what's going to happen when it happens again? I can't always be dependent on someone else to come to my rescue can I?

I just know that nothing can stop me. I will keep fighting until one day I win or at least I know that I died trying. If I were gone, would you miss me.

2007-11-07T06:46:00.000+08:00

THERE! THERE IT IS. That persistent feeling of utter dread. That choking feeling that makes me feel like about to hurl at any second. No, it's got nothing to do with alcohol. That stupid annoying feeling that something bad is going to happen. That stupid feeling that's never ever wrong. And I don't quite know what to do about it. I wish I could make it go away. Considering i have an exam in about... oh I don't know, 24 hours? And I still need to revise for? Or the fact that tomorrow's paper marks the LAST exam of my undergrad career?

I don't like feeling this anxious or troubled for that matter. See, everything I've been talking about is making more sense to me each and every day. I'm at a point where I sometimes wish that I didn't know anything and that my intuition was nonsense. But you know what, the last time I tried convincing myself of that I ended up in a huge mess. It wasn't pretty. And I was knocked out of the fight for months. That was years ago. I'm not about to let myself walk down that road again.

Be safe my loves. I'll be with you soon.

2007-11-06T20:11:00.000+08:00

There are countless of different ways for people to realise that shit, they've gotta get their act together. I'm not about to go into details but this really is it. This is the crossroad. Here, I make my choice and I decide where to go and how to get there.

I have to don't I? I need this right? I'm still deathly afraid of this becoming another one of my shortcomings. It sure has the makings of it. Although 'short' here is an understatement of gargantuan proportions. So who wouldn't be afraid? Come on, let's be honest here. If knowing that just a few days would determine a huge part of your future and just a few words can change everything, wouldn't you be scared? It's fucking obvious that you'd be lying if you weren't.

But here's the real difference: is it ok to just turn it down because you're scared. Right now, I'm telling myself that I can't be afraid to take that chance. To risk everything and never look back. The chance that I might have been dreaming for, praying for. A chance that doesn't happen everyday but once in a million lifetimes. So perhaps it's not that I shouldn't be afraid but just that I shouldn't back down even if I know that if it's the wrong choice, I'd be lower than rock bottom. But if I'm right, it will mean more than words can say.

People might not know the difference but I will. I know that it's a chance for me to finally be free from by bounds. Can I risk everything? I've been known to do it. I'm pretty famous for making reckless decisions and somehow scrapping out of tough spots. At least to those who knew that I was in a tough spot to begin with.

I guess it's clear that I just don't want to go back to that dark place anymore. Not when I'm surrounded by so much. It's overwhelming at times but it's something that I can't help but want to hold on to forever. It's a world that I never realised I wanted to be a part of. It's a life that I was meant to live. Not that. Not that anymore. It's so close now that I can almost smell it. It's just slightly out of reach but it's ok. I've waited this long for it, no sense in getting a little impatient now.

I'll find my way. I always do. And let's face facts, I'm never alone. Never.

2007-11-01T18:00:00.000+08:00

The eve of the 2nd exam. Of all stupid things, I've busted my back and my neck hurts like hell (for lack of a better term). I can barely sit still without it hurting and I can barely move without it hurting either. I tried walking about it started looking ridiculous coz I have to walk with my head parallel to the floor. So I can't really see what's ahead of me. Only what's on the ground in front of me. I'm at a point where I haven't gotten anything to eat coz I don't want to move.

All in all, today has been a ridiculously rotten day. Come to think of it, yesterday was pretty rotten too. Ah well.

Thank goodness Sanjay's bringing pain killers and food. - You're my saving grace. I love you.

2007-10-30T04:16:00.000+08:00

have i ever mentioned how much i hate waiting? i haven't?! ya, right.
i'm waiting for 7.30 AM to leave. So that I'll end up in Box Hill at 8 only because my exam is at 9. What fun. Did I mention that I hate waiting?

Fucking idiots. Honestly, the exam papers have to make their way back to campus don't they. Why can't they just have the exam in school where it's convenient? Box Hill is pretty near by I guess, but how many of us actually know how to get there?! In the morning of all times. Pretty inconvenient isn't it. Asses.

11 days to go

2007-10-29T06:45:00.000+08:00

Ok. So the staying up for 24 hours thing didn't work. But my attempting to sleep early is! Only one problem, this morning I set the alarm to 3am. I woke up. I thought I reset it to 4 but I didn't, I set it to 4.40am. I woke up. And kept sleeping till 6. Hahaha! But I've got all my stuff together for my first paper so that's got to count for something right?

I was feeling kinda hungry earlier but couldn't be bothered to go eat. But then again, what else is new eh? I'm still feeling dazed atm. Later, I'll go through Neuroscience again. Try to nail all the stuff that I missed when I took the practice test last week. Then go through Research (again). At least that way, I'll be set for this week's papers.

Right now, I am making a resolution that no matter what, I'll wake up supremely early and take the warmest shower my skin can handle. Then start studying as soon as I feel fresh and completely woken up.

There's actually one thing that's been bugging me apart from the fact that I have only 11 more days till I'm done with postgrad. (Ya! It all seems so short now, and yet it feels like I've literally spent forever in Australia) My ticket to go home is still not confirmed. Yes people, I'm waitlisted the 14th and 15th December. And with my funds running ridiculously short, I'm going to be ROYALLY screwed if I don't manage to get home. Heck, I don't even have enough cash to last me through December at the rate things are going. I really need to talk to mom about all this but it's still too early to call her up.

Thing is, I really do want to go home but on the same note, I kind of want to stay here too. I suppose that either way, things will work out. But really, what if I end up stuck here? It doesn't sound very good does it. You know what, fuck that. I'm just going to take things one step at a time. But first, I need to make it past 11 days.

2007-10-28T09:47:00.000+08:00

The final stretch and I'm burning out. I am desperately trying to realign my sleeping pattern to wake up ridiculously early for a week. Well, at least till the 8th. My last undergrad paper.

I've been studying, I promise!! But still, all this exhaustion is gonna catch up with me eventualy. I for one am not looking forward to it.

2007-10-19T01:45:00.000+08:00

What if one day, I was to disappear? There are so many people I've encountered in this life time. People who've become friends, friends who became... enemies (for lack of a better word), friends who became lovers, people who left.

I cannot put to words how grateful I am to have met them all. To have been able to share in the happiness and the pain. All of them. They've all made me so much stronger. So much better. In a sense, many if not all of them have healed me. Made me feel like I can do anything and succeed. People who have all taught me that at the end, only I can save me from myself.

There are some who I would do anything for. Anything at all. Even give my life for even if they don't know it.

I'm scared. So very afraid that all this is a dream of something that I can't ever have. I'm only 21. And yet now I see my future so clearly. I don't know if it's clouded and wool's bee pulled over my eyes. But honestly speaking, if my life were to end this very second, it would be bitter-sweet.

I have danced as if know one could see me, sung as if nobody could hear. I have lived each and every single day thinking that it might be my last. But that has never stopped me from looking forward to the next second, the next breath. But I think the most important one to me right now is that I have loved. And I still love. As though I have never been hurt before in my entire life. Even though I know that I have. And when I really sit and think about it, it still does hurt. I mean, that kind of thing never really leaves you. It cuts deep and makes a mark in you that will never go away. Even so, it takes a lot out of me to even try and remember it. It's not that I've repressed it. Or at least I don't think I have even though there are a great deal of things that I still want to say to these people.

Still, at the end of it, I'm still here aren't I? I'm still fighting, still living, still dancing, singing and loving. To my dying breath, I will strive to do all that I can. It's a promise I made to myself a long long time ago. One of the last few promises I made that has never been broken. Because now more than ever, I have people who believe in me even when I can't convince myself that things will work out. I have people who dream dreams of which I am a part of.

Now there are so many things that I want to do. That I want to be able to do and know that I can if I really try. This time, I know I'll make it through. I know that I can. And if I think I can't, well, there's really no room for that.

Once again, words cannot express how much I feel right now. Words cannot express how much I fight to never lose what I've found. Nothing is more important than this.

- MeL

Leave it all Behind, Linkin Park

It burns, it freezes.

2007-10-15T11:09:00.000+08:00

Again with the dreams. Being pushed and pulled. Not being in control. And yet this one dream, although lasting for a short while, was symbolic. It means that I must start. I must be ready. I cannot falter. I cannot let anything stand in my way anymore. Only then will I find rest.

This was only the first of crazy dreams that I've been having. But this was the least disturbing.

Exactly what is Edana trying to tell me.

2007-10-14T11:37:00.000+08:00

Study study study. That is all I can do at this point. Finals are coming up in a matter of weeks and it's totally un funny.
So yes, this is me complaining.

For all of you in Australia, I'm staying a lot longer than usual, and for my peeps back home, I'm waitlisted to come back mid December. So please, somebody plan Christmas and/or New Years!

love love :)
- mel

2007-10-01T12:23:00.000+08:00

Do you know what the blood stone is? I do. I'm dreaming about it again. It makes everyone bleed except me. It grows out of my left hand.

I guess you could say that I'm bothered in general. Worried, scared, panicked and in desperate need of focusing. I need to do well. I need to. It's that much important to me but at the same time, I can't seem to get into gear. I'm trying. 5 minutes into opening the textbook and I lose interest again. And my mind shifts to doing something else more entertaining.

But most of all, I'm scared. Because I can't see.

2007-09-07T16:51:00.000+08:00

There have been many obstacles in my path and there are more to come. Here's the thing though, what would you do? Would you take the easy road to freedom or will you work and bust your ass off for it?

It's been 6 months and yet it only feels like yesterday at the bar with the jugs and Jack and chicken curry. I am glad I made that choice. I am glad I decided to work for it. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you. I love you Sanjay.

2007-08-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

After 2 excruciatingly long weeks, I've finally got my internet back. Never the less, I'm at Sanjay's. No I'm not doing my assignments even though I know that I really really should. Heh. After finishing the pathology assignment, planning for the first half of the research paper AND doing the first 4 lab exercises, I'm tired out. My sleeping pattern is fucked but hey, I've done a lot in just a few days and I bloody deserve a break.

I hate the idea that I keep getting blamed for things that I have absolutely nothing to do with. I hate that I have to sit there and pretend that nothing's going on when it's so blatantly obvious that something is. I'm tired so having to live out my entire life constantly worrying about one person or another because they are compelled to treat me as less than a person. To treat me like a dumping ground where they can take their shit and blame it all on me. I've had more than enough.

But on better notes, I'm addicted to poker via facebook. But let's face it, with the world poker tournament playing on foxtel, there's no comparison is there? Hehehe. Damnit, I can't take my laptop out to watch and do work all because I volunteered to download our weekly dosage of anime. Meh...

2007-08-07T17:08:00.000+08:00

Is it selfish to think that some people don't deserve what they have? I think it is. I don't like feeling that way. I'm happy that people are happy and yet... why I can't I be happy for them?

I think it's because once upon a time, they hurt me. That once upon a time they broke me. But it's ok now isn't it? It's all good now that I've found a reason to pick up the pieces. It's good that I found someone who'll keep me safe.

I guess I just miss a lot of people right now. Especially you Muffin-man

2007-08-06T11:34:00.000+08:00

He was gifted to me. The best and the worst gift I could have been given. I've been ripped apart yet again. I never thought that I'd have to deal with it. I just want to put it out there. Put it in words for the world to see.

It grows harder and yet easier every day. I'm slowly making sense of things. But sometimes I wish I could see. Or hear. Even feel. I want it al don't I. I want it all even though I know that I will shatter. Maybe it's just really a personification of everything that I want. Maybe deep down that's what draws me to this. I really wouldn't be surprised.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

Lips of an Angel, Hinder

2007-07-30T12:17:00.000+08:00

I never thought that you could push me this far. I didn't realise that this was what you meant when you kept asking me if I was sure. I still am sure. As far as I'm concerned, all I want from you is an apology. Not to me though. You have behaved in a most childish manner and for that, I can forgive. But it's not mine to forgive now is it? I am not the one implicated here even though I clearly am the most affected.

To think that I've told you time and time again that your insensitivity is the one thing that will bring you down. That doesn't matter now does it. I wish you well. The next time you decide to piss someone off, don't expect me to be sympathetic.

2007-07-22T14:15:00.001+08:00

I realized that being nice is pointless it is an absolute waste of my time. Because no matter how hard I try, the message is not going to get through.

You really surprise me sometimes, what you said to me today caught me by surprise. I didn't expect it at all. Hell, I find myself wondering how you knew in the first place. Is it really that obvious to you? I'm trying. I will make it. I will push myself to make it. I'll make you proud Daddy. I'll make you proud.

leaving for hong kong

2007-07-10T14:32:00.000+08:00

Not being able to smoke for the next 7 days scares me. Honestly, I might as well just quit. And then again, this IS ME we're talking about. Maybe that's why a part of me doesn't want to leave.

Ah well.

and again

2007-07-09T19:11:00.000+08:00

There it is, that sick feeling at the bottom of my gut. The feeling I abhore. The feeling that I hate with a vengence. I'm leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow. A holiday within the holiday. Honestly, I feel... suffocated. Very very suffocated.

I had one of those dreams last night. One of those blissfully happy ones. The ones that you know will never come true no matter how much you wish it. But even so, you can't help but fantasize and dream about it. Long for it. Touch it because it feels so darned close. You keep trying to reach and reach and reach but you know that it'll never be yours. It's like the one thing you want is being dangled in front of your face from every angle you can think of. Taunting you. Laughing in your face. And I hate it. I hate it so damned much. For as much as I am happy now, I know it can't last. I know it won't last. And no matter how much I gear myself up for the pain that I will eventually have to face, nothing is going to help ease it. Not anymore. Not when I'm already in too deep. Not when I find myself screaming uncontrollably as the tears rush down my face preventing me from staying sane. Making think and say irrational things to cover up all the stuff that's going in circles in my head. Things that I can't wanna think about. Things that I used to take for granted.

Why give me something so wonderful if your only going to let me have for a while and then snatch it away from me? Why give me something that nothing can replace and take it back. Why torture me. Why give me the few mintues of happiness and the eternity of pain. Are you really that cruel? You know I'm angry and you know what I have to face now. Is this really what you had planned out for me?

There's nothing I can wish for that's realisitic anymore. Even my heart seems so trivial now. As if I am unworthy of lasting joy.

I find myself having thoughts of spreading my arms to free fall, wanting to fly and failing.

2007-07-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

You know... I'm happy I got my powerbook back. And... I can't help but feel... Different. More different than I have before. This trip back home has so far been filled with mixed feelings. I'm scared again. More scared now than I've ever been before. I feel like an emotional trainwreck waiting to collide into nothingness.

I really need to stop watching those sappy feel good movies. I really need to stop being such a nihilist. I need to stop being so caught up with everything that I can't handle knowing what I have to do. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to stop being this happy in imperfection. I don't want to give up. I REALLY don't want to give all this up. And I have no more sollace in anything. Nothing helps anymore.

While I understand what needs to be done, it doesn't mean I have to accept it right? It'll be the easier thing to do. But I can't take that easy road out. I can't do it now, I'm already in too deep. I would give everything. Anything.

If only you could hear me scream.
If only you could see my pain.
If only I knew how to stay

home sweet home?

2007-06-27T20:47:00.000+08:00

You know, it's different. Each time I come back. It's not as if I don't like it here. I guess I'd be happier if the weather improved or at least my freedom weren't curtailed. On some level I miss Melbourne. But honestly, it's good to be home.

One step at a time I guess. There's a lot more to life than.. you know

Insolent pond scum.

2007-06-20T19:50:00.000+08:00

It is my honest opinion that half the totaly number of people on the internet cannot speak or type proper English. Honestly, I cannot imagine myself 'toking lyk dis'. Fucking annoying. Servers me right for going friendster surfing huh.

I mean come on! A little bit of singlish here and there is manageable but for fuck's sakes an entire profile in singlish?! That's ridiculous. Seriously. And you wonder why people don't take you seriously with openings like Add Mie Aft View or something along those lines.

taste it, feel it, breathe it in

2007-06-20T06:06:00.000+08:00

I can almost taste the freedom I long for. I can also caress it in my arms. In a mere 8 hour give or take, it'll be over. Even if it's for a little while. It's almost there and I can barely contain myself. I'm totally unmotivated as it is, I know that I have it in me. I know that I can do it. I can do anything can't I? Especially when I want it this much, when I know I deserve it.

So here's to the free air. To the happiness, joy and love that we all strive for. It's in my hands I tell you. For how long, it's hard to say but know this, I'm not giving any of it up without a fight. I'll give my all to keep what I have. It's mine after all. No one can take it away from me. Life is too short for me to give up so easily even if I know what comes next. Even if I know I'll be basking in bliss at the end. I know where to go from here.

2007-06-18T15:59:00.001+08:00

clear sign of stress

So I've finished 3 papers. Still have one more to do on Wednesday then it's over. Thank God. Alon drove me there and back today. It was really nice of him and I seriously appreciate it. :) The entire day it's been threatening to rain and then it drizzles and then it stops again. The forecast for Wednesday looks like it's going to be the same. In any case, I can only pray that it doesn't because God knows that if it does that I'm going to be in deep deeep DEEEEEEEEP shit. Considering I can't write properly or use my hands when it's too cold. So unless I make like an idiot and wear gloves to school, I don't know how it's going to work. I thik I might end up just doing that though. At least it'll help right? *sigh*

Today's paper was ok I guess. There were a couple of things that I didn't quite know how to answer. But let's put it this way, the first problem I had was.... The date. HAHAHAHA! Seriously, my sense of time is completely off. So I had to count from last Wednesday. Well I could've counted from this Thursday. That or I could've remembered that mom's leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow but nooo...

I'm really gonna miss my mom. It's gonna be really different at home without her there. I wonder how Daddy and Adam are going to take it. It's gonna be hard for Daddy though. I mean come on, I spent a few days without waking up to Sanjay and it gets to me. Imagine Daddy, it's been years and years and years of not being alone and suddenly he is. Blah...

I'm coming home soon I'm coming home soon I'm coming home soon!!!!! The flight touches down at around 9-ish Thursday evening. I can't wait! Let's hope that QF9 is more comfortable that I remember it to be eh?

I love you many many.

counting the minutes

2007-06-15T04:37:00.000+08:00

I slept around 6. In the evening mind you. And ended up waking up somewhere between 1 and 2 with a moist face and massive aches. What else is new. I slacked around for another 2 hours till my alarm went off at 4. No, I wasn't planning on waking up at 4 because I knew I'd (unfortunately) already be awake.

I was supposed to wake my boyfriend up. What a nice person I am huh. It turns out that he only got to sleep around the time I woke up. Which was pretty normal I guess. Sleeping at 1.30 am is normal unlike my new 6pm regime. So after counless calls I finally got through to him at which he told me that he was only planning to be in school at 9. In my head I screamed damnit. I had a whole 4 hours to play around with. I ended up doing all 140 questions on the Cognitive Psychology website within 30 minutes. I only got 3 answers wrong this time. All because in my groggy state I didn't read the question properly/clicked the wrong answer or one of those things. Heh. So I guess you could say that I'm ready for this exam.

I refuse to look at Monday's and Wednesday's exam notes or questions. I can't afford to have anything interfere with the stuff I've prepared for. So another few hours of slacking around trying to figure out what I can do at this hour besides smoke my brains out. That's right, I can't do anything. Anything but think and wait.

I'm not hungry and I can't drink coffee or eat anything with cream in it. Not now. Or I'll feel sick again like I did Wednesday morning. I dread the walk to Uni. Heck, I dread stepping out of my tropical room to use the toilet. It's too damned cold out. For the record, anyone who decides to tell me that 2-fucking-degrees is not cold is clearly insane.

I wonder what things will be like when the exams are over. I mean in between them I find that I've nothing to do anymore to the point that I've tidied up my room. (FYI, I would do laundry if I had the coins that I saved for it or if the laundry room was open but tough luck, it's not open so there's no point even trying is there.) I wouldn't have had this problem if I weren't living in this God forsaken place would I? And then again, leaving early for an exam in this weather would ubdoubtedly ensure my death, numbness or frostbite. Fine, frostbite's a little to extreme but I swear it's not a walk in the park. This seriously is the coldest winter ever.

6.47am. No one's awake at this hour. No one who's free that is. The few people that are online and responding to messages are all studying. And the others? They probably just fell asleep forgetting to switch to away mode.

I want to write a song. I want to plug the guitar in. But... I don't think I'll be playing the electric any time soon. Not with the hours I keep. And when I find that I have all the time in the world to play, I'll already be on the plane. So no such luck.

Today's going to be a relatively busy day I guess. But it all starts with going to school for the exam. I'm going to get my X-Ray shit done today. Honestly, how they fucked up an X-Ray is completely beyond me. Unless of course they detected black speckles where my lungs should be. I wouldn't really be surprised considering how much I smoke and my history of allergies and heritable illnesses. What else is new. It doesn't bother me much even if I were to die today on the way to Uni. What's the point. Everything's so completely jaded. I know I'll be missed, and I know I'll miss many people terribly. But there's really nothign that I can do is there. Doesn't matter anymore.

I know I've been getting into boughts of depression all over again. It's not like anything's wrong or something bad happened. I'm pretty happy with my life in general. I'm just saying that if it were to end here and now, I would go with no regrets.

There went MeL. They'd say I went to a happy place. But of course my idea of happy place would probably not be the same as theirs. I just want all of this to be over. My sleeping pattern makes everything seem so... Long. I don't like it every much. Perhaps it will get back to normal after Madhavi's leaving party and Charlotte's 21st Birthday later in the evening. Here's to hoping.

I love you. I really, really love you.

2007-06-14T07:03:00.000+08:00

"To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails."

- William Arthur Ward

So sue me for being a risk taker. I do what I want, how I want, when I want. And there are many ways of looking at how things unfold.

My dreams are my reality and my reality is my dream.

with hands held high into the sky so blue, the ocean opens up to swallow you

2007-06-13T04:52:00.000+08:00

I can't really explain this weird sensation. It's like I'm holding on and giving up at the same time. I guess that's the thing with me and dreams. They bother me. They get to me. Because these kinds of dreams? They seem so real to me. And before I know it, it actually happens.

And maybe this is all it really is. Just a dream. I don't quite know what to do next. I just want all this to be over and done with. So I can get back to being me. Get back to reality. Going back to life. This past few weeks have been crazy. I sleep and I wake up crying or I don't sleep at all. And I have to hide my tears and my sorrows. It's not easy you know.

I don't think I deserve something this beautiful or wonderful. I don't think I'm worth it. I don't think I should have it. Because at the end of the day I'll want to keep it forever when I know that I can't. So maybe I really shouldn't bother with such things. Keep my eyes on the big things. What I can keep. What I can hold. What will be mine to the very end.

I really do know that at the end, I will be happy and that I will have my peace. But the journey there is proving to be tiring and far too long. I want to wait it out and at the same time, I'm being very impatient.

I know it's only a little bit longer. Just a little bit more to go and things will fall into place. Now it's just a question of endurance.

2007-06-11T03:30:00.000+08:00

It takes a little bit out of people
Meeting by chance, exchanging glances
It takes a bit more courage
To just live out your dreams

More often than once,
We are give opportunities
To let go and live
To jump without looking
To open your eyes to see what no one else can

But what then when you find yourself at the end of the road?
What happens when you know it's fading
Would you stand and fight
Would you thread the path again

The future is always in your hands
Be well, make what you will of it
For at the end of a long long road
Don't look back, never regret

The only thing I would lament, is not holding on. Because even though it's what I want, I can't. I always had to try and make everyone happy. I always have to end up pretending to be strong when all I want to do is fall in your arms where I know I'd be safe again. But even that, I can no longer have.

This gift was beautiful. Perhaps too beautiful.

2007-06-09T23:03:00.000+08:00

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
To hear you breathe by my side
And although sleep leaves me behind
There's nowhere I'd rather be
And now our bed is oh so cold
My hands feel empty
No one to hold
And I can sleep what side I want
It's not the same with you gone

Oh, if you'd come home
I'll let you know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

It's been three years
One night apart
But in that night you tore my heart
If only you had slept alone
If those seeds had not been sown
Oh you could come home
And you would know that

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need is sitting here with you
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin
Can leave the way you just came in
Send my regards to her
I hope you find that......

All you want
Is right there in that room
All you want
And all you need is sitting there with you
All you want

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
To hear you breathe by my side

Do I really have to say anything else?

in the most perfect moment

2007-06-09T01:09:00.000+08:00

This isn't good is it? I find myself feeling completely off whenever it comes to this. Even so, we have to do what we have to do. We can't always have what we want can we? No matter how much we wish for it, some things can't be the way you want it to be.

After all, if it were, then where would spontaneity go? I know that it'll be ok. I know it will. I'm sure it will. There's nothing that can screw this up. Nothing at all. Not right now any ways. I have to be strong don't I? I have to give it my all. This is my life we're talking about. But if I don't get to share it with the people I care about, then what's the point?

No idea what I'm talking about? Oh well. Think about it. I'm sure you guys have something inside you that wants some thing you know you can't ever have. I just don't have the guts to be specific about it right now. In any case, I know the feeling's temporary.

I love you.

2007-06-07T04:03:00.000+08:00

You know what, I'm taking a break from doing my work.

I'm sitting in the basement of one of Melbourne Uni's various libraries studying my guts out and I'm tired. I don't suppose doing the Topic on Prejudice is helping or not helping my mood.

This one part that I was reading though made me think of a conversation I had not to long ago.

... How can people just plain give up because they think they can't make it. It's rubbish. Anyone can make it. Education and cash are important yes but it's not he most important factor. In my opinion, motivation and drive is. If you're going to sit there thinking oh, woe is me. The world is a bitch. Life is unfair. And I'll never get anywhere so why don't I just let people fawn over me or worse yet, why don't I make it a point to over exaggerate my contentment in a mediocre lifestyle....

I hate these people. I think that they are doing absolutely nothing for themselves but digging their own graves.

I'm glad to be rid of them. Aren't you?

2007-06-03T15:35:00.000+08:00

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So Take a look at me now
So there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
When that's what I've got to face

Take a good look at me now
'Cause l'll still be standing (standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Don't say anything. Don't ask. I can't word it, I can't say it. But it's there staring at me. It's what I have to do. It's what we have to do. It's not like the choices are any easier. But that is what I will do

2007-05-26T19:31:00.000+08:00

People always seem to forget who it is they're dealing with. They dabble and get involved in things that have nothing to do with them. They get disappointed and angry over things that they have no reason to be angry for.

And in the end, what then? What then when you've won the battle but lost the war? I pray for these people who clearly do not know what they're getting themselves into. I pray the results of their actions do not leave them lying in a corner. More importantly, I refuse to lose. One way or another, I will do as I always have.

windows and fish

2007-05-15T01:44:00.001+08:00

Once again it's been a long time. Something is most definitely up but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I'm taking things easy I guess.

For example, I've decided to take as much time as I need to work everything out. So far it's ok.

EXCEPT that I'm not making sense coz I'm this close to falling asleep, throwing up and dealing with a massive stomach ache.

Damn.

And I thought I had everything under control.

2007-05-03T09:59:00.000+08:00

Ok. I know I've been off. In fact, I still am. But there isn't anything new that's been bothering me. I mean, I know I'm getting sick again but that's besides the point. Besides, I'm not dying even though sometimes it feels like I'm dying a little bit every day. Isn't that normal?

I find myself... Content in many ways. Like I'm doing thing that I want to do. Living my life as I think I want. But here's the real issue, what happens when you live your life from a day to day basis and you have no real long term goal? I'm trying I guess. I'm doing the best that I can. I'll make it some how. Just one little step at a time. Because the bottom line is, that even if each step is killing me, that same step is giving me more reason to live.

at the edge

2007-04-28T16:36:00.001+08:00

You may not realise it but these stupid things that you say that apparently have no effect on you have an effect on me. You don't understand how much I've done. You don't know how tired I am. And still you do these things as though you don't even realise how much it's hurting me. And here's the best part, you'll never know. Why? Because as much as you try, you'll never be able to see the real me. You'll never be able to understand what it's been like for me to go through hell and come back with a smile on my face like nothing's happened.

You have absolutely NO FUCKING RIGHT to snap at me. I've been very very very patient with you and I swear my patience is running thin.

to better days

2007-04-26T12:08:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't written in a while. Just to update you lot, I'm nearly done with all my assignments. I just have the Research Methods lab report left. It shouldn't be a problem as soon as Luke passes me more info. It's just the post hoc shit, sprucing up the discussion and it'll take me under half an hour to get a decent abstract out. So that's always good. In other words, I should be finished with it tonight!! Go me! Go me go me go me!!!!

On other things, I'm very proud of you. :) I know you hated it like mad but you still went ahead and did what's best for you. I love you many many! :D

what do insomniacs dream about?

2007-04-20T07:21:00.000+08:00

ever been so tired that you feel like you've overdosed? or that you're about to collapse with each breath you take?

With each cigarette I can almost taste the caffeine.
Death sticks he called them.
Somewhere in between dying and getting a daily fix.

Around an hour or two of sleep and a deep draught of redbull. That's how I'm going to have to start my mornings. I am the sleepless, the frozen sleepless.

I wish I could lay my head down and walk the dreams again. I miss them dearly.

2007-04-14T21:52:00.000+08:00

Actions speak a lot louder than words. And thoughts are at the bottom of both. No I'm not entirely sure what I'm talking about. Love isn't as hard as people make it out to be. And my love is keeping me alive.

now what was that john mayer song that alon always played...

Religiously speaking, are you... uhh... religious?

2007-04-10T10:34:00.000+08:00

What an interesting turn of events. My euphoria as reached a whole new level of high. If that's actually possible. My assignments... Still remain at 2 down 4 to go. And tonight, I won't be able to get anything done. Why you ask, because I'm going to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert!!! Props to Daniel Zhang for helping me score the tickets!!! Anyways, I'll be going with Sanjay so buzz my phone if you need anything :)

2007-04-09T00:43:00.000+08:00

I reiterate the fact that I fucking HATE expiry dates. They're the one thing that's going to kill me.

2007-04-06T03:20:00.001+08:00

I want to say thank you to all the wonderful people who've helped me out over the last few days. The 4 of you men know who you are so there is no need to mention names eh?

Either way, you guys have no idea how much you've helped me out. Thank you so so much for everything.

I'm tired but not sleepy. So not good. But then again, it allows me time to sit and get started on my third assignment. YES! I am actually on track! I've managed to complete the personality paper and I'm quite happy with it the way it is. The research assignment however, I'm still muddled over. I really have to learn how to decipher the calculations now that I actually know how to do them manually. Hehe. But that one should be pretty alright. For now, I'm going to get started on the Soci assignment. I'm looking at a 2000 word paper that's worth 50% of the grade. The troubling thing about it is I know nothing about it. Well... maybe a little but I don't think a little's gonna cut it. Time to get back to work!

Much love

2007-04-05T14:49:00.000+08:00

I know I was going to do something. But I can't remember what it was I'm supposed to do. Ah well, back to work.

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2007-04-03T23:37:00.001+08:00

It's just been another one of those days. I've become overly docile again from the sound of it. All of a sudden the wilder side of me decided to take a break and sit in the shadows while the passive overly girl me has come into play.

Oh who am I trying to kid. I'm getting to become so different all over again. No, nothing is wrong, every thing's been good. Amazingly good. For now at least. I guess I've just been thinking too much.

My screen name reads, "why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends." I took to it on one of those days much like this one. The only difference this time is what Luke said to me in reply to it, "because for those who find reality too harsh, dreams are all that keep em going."

Could the reality of being me be all that bad?I have the good life. I've always had the good life. I mean sure shit happens, most of the time I land up attracting the worst kinds of situations or find myself caught in between a rock and a hard place. So what? I quite like the joyride. The roller coaster if you will. What will happen to me when I know that my dreams will one day end and that I can't have all that I want to have. Perhaps it's because I don't need it but still, it's besides the point. Don't I deserve to be happy? After all the bullshit that I've been through?

Not too long ago, I recall giving up hope in nearly everything. And just when I learned how to dream, pray and hope, I find myself wishing that I didn't. Why hope for an end that you know cannot be. Why dream of a future that will never come to pass? Why keep on going when you know that in the end, there is nothing.

I feel so... torn. So very torn. And I think it's quite stupid of me to feel as such. Why should I? Again, I live the good life. I have everything that I could possibly need. I have a wonderful family, friends who would do anything for me should I ask their help and I have people who love me for me. Not what I do or how I look. Not for how much money I have or any of those insignificant things that matter so much to a lot of people in the world. But just me. They don't see me the way I see myself. They don't see a helpless girl. They see a me that I can't bring myself to accept.

I'm actually quite afraid. Of dropping my guard that is. Of letting go of what little constraints I have left protecting me from pain and hurt. I reassure all of you that nothing is wrong. Or nothing wrong is happening or has happened. All these things are good. Even though I know that this short period of time will probably only happen once. It may never happen again.

Here's the clincher though, despite my wild attempts at not letting myself fall, I already have. It scares me. The thought of expiry dates. The thought of ends. And I know, that in the end, I will be hurt. And I will cry. And I won't want to let go even though I know that I have no other choice. Even as I write this, I feel it.

And yet I still don't want this to have an expiry date.

2007-03-31T13:27:00.000+08:00

Between sneezing, blowing my nose, potato chips, cigarettes, and a whole bunch of bullshit, I will do my assignments. I will make sure that I do well. I will not let anything stand in my way.

Unfortunately, I'm letting blogging stand in my way. Along with anime. Dear God. Who am I trying to kid.

2007-03-29T08:39:00.000+08:00

This has been another crazy week and I don't think things are going to get any more relaxing. I've actually been getting some work done so that's pretty good.

One thing still bugs me though, that dream. It doesn't sound like something I'd do and yet there I was. Slip off the tongue comments must really be getting to me huh. I keep having to reinforce what Freud said. "the you that you know is not worth knowing." On some levels I can agree with it and yet on others... The me I know is the only me I've got. The only one that I can believe in.

My brain is going to explode one day.

secrets

2007-03-25T15:04:00.001+08:00

CHOOSE 10 RANDOM FRIENDS AND WRITE DOWN YOUR TRUE FEELINGS ABOUT THEM. DO NOT DISCLOSE WHO THEY ARE - LEAVE THEM GUESSING.

1. You are my best friend, my love, my spirit and my strength. Without you constantly there, I don't know what would have happened. You'll always be number one in my books.

2. You can be a real idiot sometimes in the things that you do and the choices that you make. Sometime even the things you say are completely moronic. And yet at others, your words are nothing but complete inspiration to me. Knowing that you've been through hell and made it back alive is really something special. I still see you struggling to get past all the labels but the thing that's really admirable is that you aren't giving up.

3. You sometimes make me wonder if I really am a friend at all. You jump from one thing to another so quickly and you do it without looking back. Sometimes your words cut and they cut deep. But at the end of the day, I know for a fact that we are as we will always be. Watchers and purveyors of pure unadulterated fun.

4. You kind of scare me sometimes. When I think about it all, it's a very uncertain road and sometimes it really gets to me. Even so, it's a choice that has been made, there will always be that window of opportunity to back out and run for our lives. I don't think I will ever need to take it. You make me feel... special.

5. You are the biggest disappointment I have ever encountered in my entire life. You say the stupidest things without thinking. You don't look at things from someone else's point of view. It's always about you isn't it? It's always about how you can benefit through hurting someone else. Quite frankly, I do miss you but even so, I'm far better off without you in my life.

6. You can bright up my day without even being there. The thought of you brings a smile to my face. It gives me strength and belief that this world isn't as fucked up as I thought it to be.

7. You are the one who has made me feel like I really hit rock bottom. You managed to make me feel so disgusted with myself. The one who made me look at my reflection in the mirror and hate what I saw. The one that made me think that I'm no better than any another idiot on the street. I'm glad to be rid of you and I honestly do not want to see or hear of you again.

8. You're sometimes really full of shit. But that's ok coz sometimes I get that way too. It's been a while since I've spoken to you. Soon though, soon I'll be seeing you really soon. I love you.

9. I miss you.

10. You're the one that kept me second guessing myself. You made me afraid of looking forward. You surprised me with the things that you did and the choices you made. I guess you did make me feel really sad. You're still a really good friend and a wonderful person to boot. But I'm still not ready to make nice.

2007-03-25T14:34:00.000+08:00

You have to sit down sometimes and ask yourself, what do you want more. What choice can you live with. And what choice is worth risking everything for. Thing is, for me, I hate dealing with what-ifs. I think I'd be able to handle the after effects of my choices better than dwelling on what could have been.

And yet having said that, sometimes you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. All because you took that leap. Then you gotta ask yourself, can you just forget all the paranoia, let go of the idea that something can't last forever. Can you live in the moment. It's scary, I'll admit, but I can do it. Can you?

2007-03-20T00:25:00.000+08:00

You know, sometimes you reach a point in your life where you think that there's really nothing left to live for and you just want to stop. But here's the thing, do you know what actually stops you from doing the unthinkable? From comitting the biggest mistake you can make? Belief. Not necessarily in God or a higher power. Perhaps love is one of those things. Love for your faimly, friends and all that. Even more so is the love that these people have for you.

A lot of people pretend to be very apathetic when they really aren't. They fight and argue but deep down, we're all the same aren't we? Just regular people. Mortals.

Why is it that we fight so hard these things that will eventually bring that small glimmer of hope? Why is it that people are somehow so afraid. My speculation is that they're afraid of losing what they've got.