Psychotic Rock Star

The melancholy life of the Psychotic wannabe Rock Star.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I cannot. I can't do it. I can't just stop. A part of me really wants to. A part of me wants to hold on and never let go of what I have but I know that I'll have to. Some may see this as a huge mistake but you know what? In the long run, it will never be one to me. It isn't without its imperfections. It's not what anyone or even I ever dared to dream of. But it is no dream. It is real. And I'm afraid that it will be ripped from me.

It's all still very unbelievable to me. This time has been so short and yet it feels like it's been forever. It usually takes a lot longer to come to this kind of decision and it takes even longer to be ready to follow it through. But I know myself. And despite all that rubbish that I keep saying, here's the real deal. I am not afraid to take that step. I am not afraid to make that choice. Here's what I'm really afraid of. That the choice won't be offered to me. That I'm not good enough or that I don't deserve it.

The choice itself is an easy one. What comes next is the hard part. I can't deal with this right now. I'm so very afraid of losing my grip on reality. I don't even know where all these thoughts are coming from. It feels like I want to tear myself apart just so that I won't have to deal with it. I never thought that I could feel like this again. But that's just it. When things are going so smoothly, something will always come to screw it up. And let's just face facts, most of the time it's not something that's coming. It's something that I end up doing. I'm self-destructive that way.

I know that I need help. I've known it all along. The only problem is, I never think that someone would be able to waste their time on me. I don't believe that people genuinely care. Because if I do, then what's going to happen when it happens again? I can't always be dependent on someone else to come to my rescue can I?

I just know that nothing can stop me. I will keep fighting until one day I win or at least I know that I died trying. If I were gone, would you miss me.

THERE! THERE IT IS. That persistent feeling of utter dread. That choking feeling that makes me feel like about to hurl at any second. No, it's got nothing to do with alcohol. That stupid annoying feeling that something bad is going to happen. That stupid feeling that's never ever wrong. And I don't quite know what to do about it. I wish I could make it go away. Considering i have an exam in about... oh I don't know, 24 hours? And I still need to revise for? Or the fact that tomorrow's paper marks the LAST exam of my undergrad career?

I don't like feeling this anxious or troubled for that matter. See, everything I've been talking about is making more sense to me each and every day. I'm at a point where I sometimes wish that I didn't know anything and that my intuition was nonsense. But you know what, the last time I tried convincing myself of that I ended up in a huge mess. It wasn't pretty. And I was knocked out of the fight for months. That was years ago. I'm not about to let myself walk down that road again.

Be safe my loves. I'll be with you soon.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

There are countless of different ways for people to realise that shit, they've gotta get their act together. I'm not about to go into details but this really is it. This is the crossroad. Here, I make my choice and I decide where to go and how to get there.

I have to don't I? I need this right? I'm still deathly afraid of this becoming another one of my shortcomings. It sure has the makings of it. Although 'short' here is an understatement of gargantuan proportions. So who wouldn't be afraid? Come on, let's be honest here. If knowing that just a few days would determine a huge part of your future and just a few words can change everything, wouldn't you be scared? It's fucking obvious that you'd be lying if you weren't.

But here's the real difference: is it ok to just turn it down because you're scared. Right now, I'm telling myself that I can't be afraid to take that chance. To risk everything and never look back. The chance that I might have been dreaming for, praying for. A chance that doesn't happen everyday but once in a million lifetimes. So perhaps it's not that I shouldn't be afraid but just that I shouldn't back down even if I know that if it's the wrong choice, I'd be lower than rock bottom. But if I'm right, it will mean more than words can say.

People might not know the difference but I will. I know that it's a chance for me to finally be free from by bounds. Can I risk everything? I've been known to do it. I'm pretty famous for making reckless decisions and somehow scrapping out of tough spots. At least to those who knew that I was in a tough spot to begin with.

I guess it's clear that I just don't want to go back to that dark place anymore. Not when I'm surrounded by so much. It's overwhelming at times but it's something that I can't help but want to hold on to forever. It's a world that I never realised I wanted to be a part of. It's a life that I was meant to live. Not that. Not that anymore. It's so close now that I can almost smell it. It's just slightly out of reach but it's ok. I've waited this long for it, no sense in getting a little impatient now.

I'll find my way. I always do. And let's face facts, I'm never alone. Never.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The eve of the 2nd exam. Of all stupid things, I've busted my back and my neck hurts like hell (for lack of a better term). I can barely sit still without it hurting and I can barely move without it hurting either. I tried walking about it started looking ridiculous coz I have to walk with my head parallel to the floor. So I can't really see what's ahead of me. Only what's on the ground in front of me. I'm at a point where I haven't gotten anything to eat coz I don't want to move.

All in all, today has been a ridiculously rotten day. Come to think of it, yesterday was pretty rotten too. Ah well.

Thank goodness Sanjay's bringing pain killers and food. - You're my saving grace. I love you.