have i ever mentioned how much i hate waiting? i haven't?! ya, right.
i'm waiting for 7.30 AM to leave. So that I'll end up in Box Hill at 8 only because my exam is at 9. What fun. Did I mention that I hate waiting?

Fucking idiots. Honestly, the exam papers have to make their way back to campus don't they. Why can't they just have the exam in school where it's convenient? Box Hill is pretty near by I guess, but how many of us actually know how to get there?! In the morning of all times. Pretty inconvenient isn't it. Asses.

11 days to go

Ok. So the staying up for 24 hours thing didn't work. But my attempting to sleep early is! Only one problem, this morning I set the alarm to 3am. I woke up. I thought I reset it to 4 but I didn't, I set it to 4.40am. I woke up. And kept sleeping till 6. Hahaha! But I've got all my stuff together for my first paper so that's got to count for something right?

I was feeling kinda hungry earlier but couldn't be bothered to go eat. But then again, what else is new eh? I'm still feeling dazed atm. Later, I'll go through Neuroscience again. Try to nail all the stuff that I missed when I took the practice test last week. Then go through Research (again). At least that way, I'll be set for this week's papers.

Right now, I am making a resolution that no matter what, I'll wake up supremely early and take the warmest shower my skin can handle. Then start studying as soon as I feel fresh and completely woken up.

There's actually one thing that's been bugging me apart from the fact that I have only 11 more days till I'm done with postgrad. (Ya! It all seems so short now, and yet it feels like I've literally spent forever in Australia) My ticket to go home is still not confirmed. Yes people, I'm waitlisted the 14th and 15th December. And with my funds running ridiculously short, I'm going to be ROYALLY screwed if I don't manage to get home. Heck, I don't even have enough cash to last me through December at the rate things are going. I really need to talk to mom about all this but it's still too early to call her up.

Thing is, I really do want to go home but on the same note, I kind of want to stay here too. I suppose that either way, things will work out. But really, what if I end up stuck here? It doesn't sound very good does it. You know what, fuck that. I'm just going to take things one step at a time. But first, I need to make it past 11 days.

The final stretch and I'm burning out. I am desperately trying to realign my sleeping pattern to wake up ridiculously early for a week. Well, at least till the 8th. My last undergrad paper.

I've been studying, I promise!! But still, all this exhaustion is gonna catch up with me eventualy. I for one am not looking forward to it.

What if one day, I was to disappear? There are so many people I've encountered in this life time. People who've become friends, friends who became... enemies (for lack of a better word), friends who became lovers, people who left.

I cannot put to words how grateful I am to have met them all. To have been able to share in the happiness and the pain. All of them. They've all made me so much stronger. So much better. In a sense, many if not all of them have healed me. Made me feel like I can do anything and succeed. People who have all taught me that at the end, only I can save me from myself.

There are some who I would do anything for. Anything at all. Even give my life for even if they don't know it.

I'm scared. So very afraid that all this is a dream of something that I can't ever have. I'm only 21. And yet now I see my future so clearly. I don't know if it's clouded and wool's bee pulled over my eyes. But honestly speaking, if my life were to end this very second, it would be bitter-sweet.

I have danced as if know one could see me, sung as if nobody could hear. I have lived each and every single day thinking that it might be my last. But that has never stopped me from looking forward to the next second, the next breath. But I think the most important one to me right now is that I have loved. And I still love. As though I have never been hurt before in my entire life. Even though I know that I have. And when I really sit and think about it, it still does hurt. I mean, that kind of thing never really leaves you. It cuts deep and makes a mark in you that will never go away. Even so, it takes a lot out of me to even try and remember it. It's not that I've repressed it. Or at least I don't think I have even though there are a great deal of things that I still want to say to these people.

Still, at the end of it, I'm still here aren't I? I'm still fighting, still living, still dancing, singing and loving. To my dying breath, I will strive to do all that I can. It's a promise I made to myself a long long time ago. One of the last few promises I made that has never been broken. Because now more than ever, I have people who believe in me even when I can't convince myself that things will work out. I have people who dream dreams of which I am a part of.

Now there are so many things that I want to do. That I want to be able to do and know that I can if I really try. This time, I know I'll make it through. I know that I can. And if I think I can't, well, there's really no room for that.

Once again, words cannot express how much I feel right now. Words cannot express how much I fight to never lose what I've found. Nothing is more important than this.

- MeL

Leave it all Behind, Linkin Park

It burns, it freezes.

Again with the dreams. Being pushed and pulled. Not being in control. And yet this one dream, although lasting for a short while, was symbolic. It means that I must start. I must be ready. I cannot falter. I cannot let anything stand in my way anymore. Only then will I find rest.

This was only the first of crazy dreams that I've been having. But this was the least disturbing.

Exactly what is Edana trying to tell me.

Study study study. That is all I can do at this point. Finals are coming up in a matter of weeks and it's totally un funny.
So yes, this is me complaining.

For all of you in Australia, I'm staying a lot longer than usual, and for my peeps back home, I'm waitlisted to come back mid December. So please, somebody plan Christmas and/or New Years!

love love :)
- mel

Do you know what the blood stone is? I do. I'm dreaming about it again. It makes everyone bleed except me. It grows out of my left hand.

I guess you could say that I'm bothered in general. Worried, scared, panicked and in desperate need of focusing. I need to do well. I need to. It's that much important to me but at the same time, I can't seem to get into gear. I'm trying. 5 minutes into opening the textbook and I lose interest again. And my mind shifts to doing something else more entertaining.

But most of all, I'm scared. Because I can't see.