I never thought that you could push me this far. I didn't realise that this was what you meant when you kept asking me if I was sure. I still am sure. As far as I'm concerned, all I want from you is an apology. Not to me though. You have behaved in a most childish manner and for that, I can forgive. But it's not mine to forgive now is it? I am not the one implicated here even though I clearly am the most affected.

To think that I've told you time and time again that your insensitivity is the one thing that will bring you down. That doesn't matter now does it. I wish you well. The next time you decide to piss someone off, don't expect me to be sympathetic.

I realized that being nice is pointless it is an absolute waste of my time. Because no matter how hard I try, the message is not going to get through.

You really surprise me sometimes, what you said to me today caught me by surprise. I didn't expect it at all. Hell, I find myself wondering how you knew in the first place. Is it really that obvious to you? I'm trying. I will make it. I will push myself to make it. I'll make you proud Daddy. I'll make you proud.

leaving for hong kong

Not being able to smoke for the next 7 days scares me. Honestly, I might as well just quit. And then again, this IS ME we're talking about. Maybe that's why a part of me doesn't want to leave.

Ah well.

and again

There it is, that sick feeling at the bottom of my gut. The feeling I abhore. The feeling that I hate with a vengence. I'm leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow. A holiday within the holiday. Honestly, I feel... suffocated. Very very suffocated.

I had one of those dreams last night. One of those blissfully happy ones. The ones that you know will never come true no matter how much you wish it. But even so, you can't help but fantasize and dream about it. Long for it. Touch it because it feels so darned close. You keep trying to reach and reach and reach but you know that it'll never be yours. It's like the one thing you want is being dangled in front of your face from every angle you can think of. Taunting you. Laughing in your face. And I hate it. I hate it so damned much. For as much as I am happy now, I know it can't last. I know it won't last. And no matter how much I gear myself up for the pain that I will eventually have to face, nothing is going to help ease it. Not anymore. Not when I'm already in too deep. Not when I find myself screaming uncontrollably as the tears rush down my face preventing me from staying sane. Making think and say irrational things to cover up all the stuff that's going in circles in my head. Things that I can't wanna think about. Things that I used to take for granted.

Why give me something so wonderful if your only going to let me have for a while and then snatch it away from me? Why give me something that nothing can replace and take it back. Why torture me. Why give me the few mintues of happiness and the eternity of pain. Are you really that cruel? You know I'm angry and you know what I have to face now. Is this really what you had planned out for me?

There's nothing I can wish for that's realisitic anymore. Even my heart seems so trivial now. As if I am unworthy of lasting joy.

I find myself having thoughts of spreading my arms to free fall, wanting to fly and failing.

You know... I'm happy I got my powerbook back. And... I can't help but feel... Different. More different than I have before. This trip back home has so far been filled with mixed feelings. I'm scared again. More scared now than I've ever been before. I feel like an emotional trainwreck waiting to collide into nothingness.

I really need to stop watching those sappy feel good movies. I really need to stop being such a nihilist. I need to stop being so caught up with everything that I can't handle knowing what I have to do. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to stop being this happy in imperfection. I don't want to give up. I REALLY don't want to give all this up. And I have no more sollace in anything. Nothing helps anymore.

While I understand what needs to be done, it doesn't mean I have to accept it right? It'll be the easier thing to do. But I can't take that easy road out. I can't do it now, I'm already in too deep. I would give everything. Anything.

If only you could hear me scream.
If only you could see my pain.
If only I knew how to stay