Celebratory Bliss?

Well well well. This Christmas has been very different from the others. It's not a bad difference or a good one for that matter. It's just... Different. I'm not sure how to take it at the moment so yea. Anyway, I don't know what I'm doing for New Years. Whether it's gonna be Ministry of Sound or Zouk or nothing at all. Let me know people. You know how to reach me. I have to make plans and give answers soon ya?

Why Things Are The Way They Are

Oh come on... These past couple of days have made me think about other things. Heck, this whole year seems to have made me think about a great deal of important things hasn't it? Well, the latest one is why can't people just have faith in each other. Honestly. Why can't people be happy for each other??? Honestly. I know that at one stage I used to be like that. Sceptical about everything. But still... Don't you get it? Some of us can be happy and should be happy.

Life isn't a bloody bed of roses so when the opportunity comes, why not grab it? I'm not saying shove yourself under the bliss on tap but you know what I mean. Stop thinking about the bad shit that might happen and just enjoy the happiness you have. The minute you start worrying about every tiny little thing, you won't even notice the good things in your own life. And sometimes, even if they're really small, the good things can outweigh the bad.

I've never seen a kid who's in serious pain turn down ice cream. They'd just eat it and be happy about it. And all of a sudden all that pain disappears. All because they don't think about it. See my point yet?

Festive Irritation

More often than not, I find that I am friends with people who are walking talking contradictions. Even more so than I am or that I could ever be. It's times like this that I get irritated beyond all reason. I said what I had to say and just be thankful that I didn't do anything about it. Because it's usually times like that when I'll step in and screw people over. But then again, I was like that. And you always love to use it against me. But get this, that was then and this is now. You had the cheek to bitch at me about it before and yet you expect me to shut up about it now? Heh.

So for once and for all, there are very few things that piss me off. But the worst of the lot include lying to me and messing around with the people I love.

AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHOEVER'S CALLING MY DIRECT LINE AND ISN'T SAYING ANYTHING, STOP IT!

I'll write more later.

boys and girls, i know what's wrong with my blasted PS2. It's the bloody laser. It's not as strong as it used to be. Why you ask? I'll tell you why, the damned machine is already over 4 years old therefore, it's the launch model and the laser conks out faster. Brilliant isn't it? Oh well. SO, which one of you nice people will be will to help me fix the thing? I have the faq that teaches me how but I am in no condition to attempt it on my own considering I nearly killed it today trying to clean the lens!!

The faq is here btw.

Losers. Lamers. etc.

So I'm trying to get everything back on track. So I'm trying to redo things that I have to make better. Yes... I know... that encompasses a great deal of many things but whatever right? Exactly. WHATEVER!!! :D

Not everyone falls. And even then, not everyone rises. My world is getting closer and closer to perfection.

Believe

Once again I find myself on one of those self searching quests. I don't understand how or why I get so quiet and mellow and all of a sudden angry and upset. All things considering I might just be driving a part of me into seclusion again as I am somehow very 'fond' and adept at doing. Shoving things that I don't like to the back of my head. Pulling a veil over things that I don't want to deal with.

Things at home are a lot better. But I'm going to keep my fingers crossed all the same. I can't wait till I figure all this out. I have a feeling that I'm going to. Very soon.

Here's a little bit of what I chanced upon the night before at occultforums.com

"Going along with the Satanic Bible's ideas that the four elements are represented by the crown princes of hell (Satan=fire, etc.) then Baphomet would be a perfect representation for the fifth element, the spirit--unification of all things.
For the magician of the right hand path, the goal is unification with god. For the left-handed of us, the goal is to become Baphomet."

"How does baphomet relate to satan?
If satan is seen as the natural entropic force of nature, then Baphomet is where 'nature came from' and all that it is. I see it as Baphomet is everything in nature, and satan is nature itself You could also look at baphomet as the force that is the ALL."

I think I plucked this one off a thread mostly populated by Satanists. And for crying out loud any of you who are alarmed at what you've read, quoted or the fact that I thoroughly read through an occult forum let a lone a thread mostly frequented by Satanists, RELAX! They are people too. They just believe in different things. The way I believe in different things. Or are you going to run and hide from me too? Heh...

The Mind Deteriorates and the Body Gives In

I learnt a great deal of things about what I am and what I'm supposed to be. People do fall. If they didn't nobody would know any better. Those of us who does not know what it is like to have your happiness snatched away from you will never be able to fully appreciate it.

I can't say that I have experienced the shittiest of things but i do know this, sometimes my secrecy is the one thing that kills me on the inside. I was at Paragon having coffee with old friends when suddenly the topic of the Australian man who was hung recently some how surfaced. Many of them were so adamant that these people shouldn't be killed. I suppose they shouldn't be. despite everything I stand for. My belief on this issue is a contradiction to say the least. But that's not the point is it?

I can't stand it when people who don't understand things just make random comments without any regard for those around them. They don't know how badly affected I am when people start talking about drugs. They don't know how hard it is for someone with a problem to admit there's something wrong and get help. Just look at me, I've been trying to fucking quit smoking for the longest time and yet I can't. What's more someone addicted to drugs. I don't know whether they should be killed or not, that's not my decision. I certainly hope they can be helped. Another incident of similar nature but different topic occurred a little over a week ago. When someone said something that they should never have. Stereotyping and type-casting is typical. But to condemn people? Ok fine, condemnation is too strong a word but it sure as hell feels that way. The worst thing is, this person knows people like those that they are 'condemning'. How can you be best friends with someone and yet think that way? What did you honestly expect me to say?

I don't like it when people toy with my mind. I don't like it one bit when they accuse me of doing things that I have not. I particularly hate it when they instigate that I did something that i shouldn't have. But most of all I hate it when they aren't sorry for it and yet expect things to be ok. I'm sorry that you're not sorry. Perhaps your ego has just booted you off any kind of friendship we ever had. You talk about us like it was wonderful when it wasn't. You made it sound like it was totally my fault. I'm sure you know why what happened happened. Or are you really too damned proud to admit it to yourself? I already told you I'm not perfect. That I come with flaws. Take it or leave it. I don't change over night. I don't stop caring about people easily. Yes, I do care about both of you. But perhaps in very different ways. Just because I say I love someone does not mean that I want to one day marry them and have their children. Please, we're not 5 any more. At least I'm not. I'm fucking twenty years old. Not twenteen and most definitely not two with a zero added at the back. Twenty. How old are you? Really?

Christmas is coming and I feel shittier than ever. I still have a great deal of things to get. And I have no more cash. Yes, I've spent it all. I don't know why I did but I did. I normally make sure I've gotten everyone's gift before indulging in the things that I want. But somehow this year I just didn't. Books, movies and cigarettes. Books and movies are fine I suppose but if you people aren't happy with the fact that I smoke you have no idea how much I land up kicking myself for it. It's a fucking addiction and it's not easy to bring myself to come off it. I try. I remind myself constantly of it. I don't want to land up becoming one of those people that grows up and doesn't know how to tell their kids that smoking is bad but mommy can smoke because she's grown up or she knows better or whatever. I never want to have my own kids suffer the way I'm suffering. I don't want them to ever have to know what it's like to be degraded to this state. I don't want them to be afraid of falling. I don't ever want to have to force them to believe in something they don't want to. And yet I never want to have to force them to make that choice between what they want, what mommy and daddy wants and what God wants. I never want them to have to live through a minute of that. And yet, I do. But I hope to God that they'll have people to turn to in the event of these things.

Look at me, talking about the future and children. Now we know that there's really something wrong with me.

I'm still pissed off by the way. But just so everyone knows (whether they want to or not), I've finished putting in the music to The Fine Line Between Truth and Lies. For anyone that cares to hear it, buzz me. I'm not that hard to contact. Unless of course I hate your guts than it won't be very easy now would it?

But here it is,
Am I lying to myself
Have I let me down
The reality of it all blinds my eyes
I know you see right through me

I don't want to lie to you anymore
Too tiring, too painful
Is it pointless to even look at you?
Trying seems to be a waste of time

I don't smile anymore
Every one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

Do you wait for me
Or is that something you say to all the girls
It's so cold where I am
My sun has gone away

Can you remember the things we did
Was it real or was it a dream
Oh, all the happy times ring in my head
A distant memory of old days

I don't smile anymore
Every one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

I can't remember what you said
Echoes of others buzz in my head
The endless pounding makes me cry
That's what happens when I try to lie

You look at me the way I see myself
The mask I wear long broken and gone
It's like a mirror to my soul
You're eyes, I see myself in them

I don't smile anymore
Every one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

How can you tell the truth from the lies
Even when I don't say a work you know what I'm feeling
I hate to miss the plane
But I still wanna stay and dance in the rain...

I don't smile anymore
Every one's a lie
It drips in blood of all the wrongs
There's a fine line between truth and lies

ass hole

ok, I know I've not said anything about my birthday party. But I will say this, it was fun while it lasted. I couldn't ask for anything more.

And now let me get to the one thing that's irritating the hell out of me. I have a message to someone who CLEARLY knows I am in no way happy with him.

What I do with my time is MY business. The world doesn't owe you a living and I especially don't. You don't have to go to a party on my account. Don't fucking try to play nice when you really aren't. For fuck's sake, he's my BESTFRIEND. If I could be there I would. Get your facts straight you idiot. If you ask Rick, he'll show you that I told him my dad doesn't want me to go. And if you bothered to ask Kenny, you'll know why. I guess you really don't change do you? You just hate it when people tell you to fuck off.

I dreamt of the end. The very end. Jon was there, Judy, Geoff and Jamie. They were there as well. And he was protecting me. And I was stronger than all of them. Strong enough to bind my adversary. But after a while... It didn't seem like he was my adversary. It's confusing. But I was protected and nobody could harm me.